News You Can't Use

Before I go home today, I wanted to snag my favorite news posts of what caught my eye today.

- Apparently, it's not a good idea to go streaking on a bicycle, but I'm sure most people would've known that before now.

- Another lesson to stupid criminals: If you're going to steal fuel, don't leave your personalized drill behind. These lessons are like warning labels for the criminally stupid; someone has to screw this up first before the warning is put out there.

- How does one hold up a store with a banana? Apparently, you don't do it well when your opponent is armed with a knife. A bad pun lurks on the site, so don't slip when you find it (sorry!).

- Here's a three-for-one. A man named "Bubba" lives up to his name (liquoring up teens and beating up people in their own homes), famous last words of someone looking to "keep [their] butt out of trouble", and more food items used in assaults (to go along with their last report of a "plate of chicken" being used).

- Just in time for wrapping up Gay Pride weekend: A couple in Richmond, Va may be facing misdemeanor charges for getting married because the "bride" was not a woman. I wouldn't bother with the charges, but this does demonstrate a serious problem with how transgendered people are handled in this country (read: inconsistently). Even the courts are divided on this one.

- The Church of Sweden will be performing drive-by weddings. Get hitched in 7 minutes or less. Take that, Vegas!

- To quote Billy Idol, "It's a nice day for a moose wedding." I should be ashamed of myself.

- Maybe they should stick to local sign hangers: A crew from North Carolina came to South Carolina to hang signs and managed to send people away from the attractions they were supposed to be directing people towards. Next time, stop and ask for directions.

- The man who decided to auction his life away was disappointed that he didn't get more money for his life. What an arrogant tool. What made you think you were going to get a lot anyway? Suck it up, cupcake.

- In movie sequel news, "THIS IS STUPID!" (sorry for the shouting, but if you've seen 300, you'll get it.)

- I'm more insulted that these people think they have what it takes to run a school, but Will and Jada Pinkett are opening a school based on Scientology principles. Leaving out my objections to the "principles", I'm offended that so many celebrities seem to think that they are now the foremost authority on education and can open schools. Just shut up and do your jobs, already! I'm still pissed with Jada for essentially throwing her career away for the clown prince of rap himself.

- And this is just wrong: A Swedish school confiscated a boy's birthday party invitations because they wanted to "ensure against discrimination". Apparently, your children no longer have the right to not invite people to their parties. And when you consider the reasoning behind why they aren't invited, I wouldn't force him to invite them either. Maybe he could've mailed them to the kids' homes to avoid this mess, but it's still making something out of nothing. Life isn't fair, and everyone needs to learn that sooner or later [What you hear is the ice water flowing through my veins].

I was supposed to leave 10 minutes ago, so I'm bouncing out of here. Peace out!