Monday, June 16, 2008

Now on with the funny

There wasn't a lot of good news of stupid criminals and the like, but I do what I can with what's available.

- A crazy Illinois man has changed his name to In God We Trust. Really? Do you think that's cool? I know that he's doing it to show how God has helped him through the rough times, but this is just being weird for the sake of weirdness. And he's an artist, go figure.

- Apparently, it's not enough to ban someone from Wal-Mart, but this guy tried to rob the same Wal-Mart he was banned from and was escaping in his wheelchair with some stolen meat. I don't know why anyone would willingly go to Wal-Mart (my snobbishness is showing!), but to go back to the same store and try to rob it again is a sign of stupidity.

- This is a guy who had it all planned out. He had the disguise, and he had gotten the money, but he failed to have an escape plan from the bank! This is what you get for taking a cab and not having an alternate means of getting away. I hear bicycles are popular...

- Let's say you're thinking of being a drug mule. You're trying to think of a way to smuggle heroin into the country. A good idea of what not to do is to carry the heroin in your diaper. 257 grams is a lot to try to smuggle in a diaper. And don't think they won't check due to being grossed out; I've watched Cops and they are more than willing to go digging all up in your stuff to find your hidden drugs. It's only worth it if you're into getting felt up by strangers (and then put in lock-down).

- In more bank robbery news, it apparently pays to be stubborn when faced with a well-dressed robber. If he's dressed nice and has no weapon, you may get him to go away by telling him you won't give him the cash.

- In Celebrity I-don't-buy-it news, Tony Romo says that rumors about friction with Jessica Simpson's dad is "laughable". It took him too long to respond, and after my previous post where Joe Simpson doesn't exactly deny his part in the rumors, I don't accept this as anything more than trying to squelch rumors. Stick to football, kid.

- I'm not using the bathroom at Home Depot out of fear of getting stuck to the toilet seat in an adhesive prank. I don't care who is in the right on this one; I'm too far along in this pregnancy to risk a Home Depot delivery.

- In not quite funny, but interesting news, Top Chef will be hitting the road and doing interactive shows in various cities, one of which is the city in which I currently reside. Will I be trying to go see them? Probably not, because I don't want to go and find out it's all of the cheftestants that I couldn't stand. It would be kind of cool to be able to report from the even on July 12, so I'm going to have to let that simmer for awhile...

- I didn't know they could do this: A judge has reduced the trust fund for Leona Helmsley's dog from $12 million to $2 million. The rest is going to Helmsley's charitable foundation. So maybe it's not a dog's life anymore.

- I've been saving this article for last, because it's a four-four-one extravaganza of strangeness. It begins with a story about a guy with a California license plate on the front of is truck...and a Florida license plate on the back (because criminals have got to rock stupidity like that). We next encounter a story about people stealing fire hydrants, and the author's puzzlement at how people can manage to sell these things without the scrapyards questioning the legality of possessing such items. The third article is about a guy who gets assaulted with "a plate of chicken", and the last article is about a woman who threatens children not with a stabbing, but with "cutting them deeply" and she's willing to show them the difference. Wow.

I would like to finish this posting with three links that have little to do with each other, except that they are interesting. Best Week did a post on the five most depressed comic strip characters, but it kind of missed the mark since it didn't cover Charlie Brown (but I forgive the guy for his first post). This led me to what has to be an apt description of my life at times when Jon Arbuckle complains about his toster and life in a Garfield without Garfield strip.

And finally: Fun with boob products!

Thank you, and goodnight!


Dan said...

Joe Simpson creeps my ass out! I will never forget when he talked about how hot Jessicas boobs looked!

David Dust said...

I LOVE Wal-Mart! I think maybe because there are NONE in NYC. But when I go back to Pennsylvania, I am ALL ABOUT that little smiley face guy with the low, low prices!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Dan - Joe Simpson is such a torn-up mess of a person that I can't help but laugh my ass off at the fact that he thinks he's a good manager. "Who better to manage than a parent?" Um, a person trained in managing, perhaps?

David - I can't help it; my husband works for Target (the first urban one ever built, btw) and I love using the hell out of his employee discount.