What is going on today?

The stuff I found today goes all over the place. Some of it is impressive, some of it is dumb, and the rest...well, let's just get it started.

- When you're busted with over $300 grand, don't say you were just trying to buy banannas unless you are Chikita Banana or something. At $1.65 a pound, you could buy all of the banana trees in Costa Rica (and you can keep them!).

- If you see a young man "acting strange" in the bushes, he may not be a Peeping Tom; he may just be putting on his makeup in the morning sun. Honey, they sell makeup mirrors that come with different lights so that you can put on the appropriate makeup for daytime and nighttime excursions, so you don't have to go outside.

- In what's-your-lazy-assed-problem news, a man kidnaps his ex-girlfriend to make her iron his clothes. He better be glad it wasn't me he did this to; he'd have some burned clothes, broken dishes, and a sore ass from the whippin' he'd get from me.

- Not that I would expect anyone to know this, but apparently it's illegal to keep beehives in your backyard in Denver. A woman is facing possible jail time for keeping three beehives despite passing a course that would, presumably, have warned her that this was illegal if that is the case. I'm a city girl who freaks out every time I see a bee near my door, so I wouldn't be the least bit interested in this hobby, but why send someone to jail if she's not harassing the little buggers?

- If this one sounds familiar, it's not the same guy I swear! A man gets arrested for DUI twice in one hour. The last guy I reported on got nabbed twice in the same day; this numbnut didn't make it an hour before getting caught again. How someone gets behind the wheel immediately after (I assume) his friend took him home is a testament to the sheer determination to get yourself killed. Way to try to take yourself out of the gene pool, guy.

- This was a lucky day for both man and his dog, as they both survived driving off a cliff! The man was thrown clear of the wreckage and suffered two broken legs. The dog, however, managed to get out of the wreck unnoticed and was found huddling under the kitchen table. Aww, it's not like you did it Rover! I'm just glad they survived. What? I'm not that mean. Okay, so I am, but only when it's funny.

- I actually remember this case, so it's nice to see follow-up. A restaurant in New Zealand was fined for serving two women dishwashing liquid instead of mulled wine. Victims can't sue for damages in New Zealand, but they are getting a payment for the emotional distress this caused. I think they're getting somewhere around $700 a piece, so it's not like they were going to rake in millions on this one.

- Apparently, I'm not the only one who suffers customer service problems. Michael Musto had to name drop Time Warner just to get Verizon to stop jerking him around. I'm not touching that, so come up with your own punchline.

And now, on to the celebrities!

- Someone was paying attention to whom they were speaking when they told Paris Hilton that she couldn't buy a puppy simply because it would be cute for a photo. She threw a fit and still didn't walk away with the Yorkie. Good for you, pet store owners!

- At least it's not her fault this time: A court has determined that a paparazzo "had only himself to blame" for his foot getting run over by Britney Spears. None of the evidence supported his initial claim, so I am going to shoot this guy with my rubber band gun if I ever meet him for making me say this: "Leave Britney alone!"

- In what-is-she-thinking news, Miley Cyrus has a picture of herself on a bed with a 22-year-old male on her MySpace page. This article gets a mention not because of the subject matter, but for one of my favorite lines from an article anywhere: "She says she does it all for Jesus, but even Jesus is now like 'enough already, you’re not helping.'" I love it whenever anyone makes a reference to God or Jesus and how they don't want to be referenced, so of course I thought this was great. Then again, I loved the MadTV sketch from it's early years when Jesus shows up to an awards show to scold rap artists for thanking him for saying "bitch" and "ho" in rap songs. It's no "Suck it, Jesus," but I'm not a red-headed non-practicing Catholic with her own show either.

I want to be a red-head, but that's another matter altogether.

- These are celebrity-like people, so in they go: TV Guide has published a list of the top reality TV villains and there's no surprise at who's number one: Omarosa Manigault-Stallwort. A woman who causes nothing but trouble, and was so annoying her own husband had to walk away, so I hope she's proud of herself. Other "winners" were Spencer of The Hills fame (but not his Heidi) and Puck from the Real World, an entry that should make us all feel a little old if we can remember who he was and why he was thrown out. Boy, was he nasty!

- And now here's a blog looking for people to add to the list of most difficult actors to work with in Hollywood. They use the term "All-Strop" but I don't know what the hell that means so I've translated it to what I can understand. I had nothing to contribute to the list, but the comments had some real winners.

- Hey, remember Glamour Shots? Well I'm pretty sure this guy wishes we didn't because he's all the rage on the page. I think people have taken to calling him Hot Carl, and I inadvertently kicked off a "thing" where people want to get together to create a cheesy dance video (see the post's comments to see what I mean) at an amusement park. Man, I can't go anywhere without starting something.

- I'm sorry to say that Stan Winston, a man who was known for his visual effects in movies has died at 62. I don't always report these things (I was horribly remiss on Tim Russert coverage; he seemed like such a nice guy, and that always chokes me up) but this was a man who made special effects and makeup look really good without relying on computer graphics to pull it off, and I respect that.

- I wonder if George Takei is registered anywhere? I ponder this because George has just picked up his marriage license (the first in West Hollywood, btw). I wish I could say I remember when I got my license, but I was being tortured by my grandmother about tales of how much she enjoyed sex as she's driving me downtown to get married (my mother had a great time at my expense as I tried to jump out of a moving vehicle on rt 315) and my husband picked up the license with my uncle. I just hope George doesn't get the hippie witnesses that I had during the first ceremony (have I ever mentioned that I've married the same person twice?) because they made me want to laugh. Good luck and much happiness to George, his partner, and all of those embarking on the road to matrimony.

- I think this is it for today. I've been reading the reviews of The Happening and wanted to share the most spoiler-laden article I could find, because if the movie is this stupid, I have to do my job to keep as many people from seeing this at full price as possible. Surely, The Happening can't be this bad, can it?

And that's what was reported today. Not much on the funny side, but a lot to chew on.

By the way, I have to say I adore Janet Jackson and see her current body type as something that might just be achievable.

Peace out!