Thursday, July 31, 2008

Illness, Drama, and News

I've been away for a few days [I still haven't mastered the EMBED function; I'll keep working on it] and while I won't be posting all of the news I wanted to put up here, I will eventually put up something. I've been battling a sinus infection, a lazy husband, and a crazy aunt who is ten seconds away from being told that she needs Jesus (a good-bad-ugly trifecta coming up).

Anyway, I went to the doctor for my appointment yesterday and the baby is over 5 pounds already. The baby is in the 75th percentile for weight at this point in the pregnancy, but since it's not in the 95th percentile there's nothing to worry about. And my doctor was worried that the baby wasn't gaining weight. That was the good news.

My husband drove me to the brink of insanity when he decided to wait until 7 to look up the address for the hospital we were to tour on Tuesday. He drives slowly (it takes me 20 minutes to do this drive since I work out this way) and we had to be there at 7:30, and I went ballistic in the car. I wanted to harm him and in a rare moment of restraint, he kept his mouth shut until we joined up with the rest of the tour [He out-talks me, so not talking was quite a feat for him]. Come to find out the tour guide thought the tour was supposed to start at 7:15, so while we were 4 minutes late, she started early...but she took the tour group through part of the hospital again for the late people (we were just the last ones there). I ended up calming way the hell down after touching these stones that were decorating a waiting room, and I told my husband after it was all over that he would've been decked if he had spoken on our way to meet the tour group. I know I have anger problems, but he's got lack-of-motivation problems that need to stop. That was the bad.

The ugly is courtesy of my crazy-assed aunt who has shown her ass by deciding that she will drive my mom and brother (and maybe my uncle, if I'm lucky) to the shower on Sunday, but she doesn't want to leave until 10:30 in the morning. It's a 2.5 hour drive if you're lucky (and I can do it in less but I drive fast) and the shower starts at 12:30, so you do the math. She didn't want to come down the night before, and she's going to make them miss everything by leaving very late to get there (trust me, this won't be a long shower). She's also saying I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't [I can't help it if God saw fit to endow me with an ample bosom], and it is sadly indicative of her not wanting anyone else to have something she didn't have. She's got to get whatever hate she has in her heart out of her before her daughter finally puts her in her place.

Well, dumbass drama aside, here's the news for today.

- A 36-year-old man took the drug war into his own hands when he went to a nearby town, impersonated an officer, and started doing random drug busts in people's homes behind the guise of Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. And the local police let him! What gives this story a special spice is that someone is trying to use this guy's story for a comedy. Really? Damn, Hollywood, it's time to close up shop.

- There's so much going on in this one: A 400-pound gambler is angry that he was ejected from the casino for being stinky. He had been gambling for 17 straight hours (that's healthy) and was told that his smell was bothering the other gamblers. When he tried to reclaim his seat after a bathroom break, he was ejected. When he demanded a free room to clean himself up in (seriously!), they (of course) said no. He wants an apology for being told that he stank in front of the other gamblers. No, honey, you should apologize to the other patrons and then invest in a shower, a diet, and counseling for your gambling addiction.

- Gotta love their moxy: Two men crashed a truck twice on the same street. It was like dodge'em cars, only with stupid drunk guys.

- Well, at least she taught her son well: A 10-year-old boy turned in his mother for making counterfeit money. He gave the police the money and told them that she also made fake ids which led to the investigation into her illicit activities. Somehow she managed to post $50,000 bail, but I hope they checked to see if it was real first.

- What a jackass: A man was using a stranded-by-the-roadside ploy to get free gas from good Samaritans. He would (kindly) park near gas stations so people didn't have to go too far out of their way and they would buy him a gallon of gas and the gas can. He got 4 of them before the police noticed him and nabbed him for being a jerk.

- Hey criminals! Here's a tip for you: If you're going to rob a shop, remember to take your cash with you. If you leave with less than you came in with, you lose, stupid!

- To all the drunks in Devon, if they catch you pissing in the streets, they will make you mop it up.

- For some reason, this guy wanted to get arrested and called 911 enough times to get his wish. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

- Why you would do this I don't know, but two guys got busted spray painting a Hollywood water tower. The only time spray painting is funny is in the best episode of Home Movies ever, "Director's Cut" (someone really needs to take the Franz Kafka musical idea and flesh it out, for real!). Tune into the 6:10 mark and you'll see what I mean:

The music in this episode is worth looking at all three parts of it, but my point is graffiti is only funny when overweight, jealous soccer coaches do it in cartoons.

- If you've got a home for an overweight kitty in New Jersey, the 44 pound tabby is available.

- Apparently, the world's oldest jokes center around bathroom humor. Who knew?

- And just for the hell of it, here's a really stupid television show idea that is, unfortunately very real. It might be time to cancel t.v. everyone.

And I'm going to close this edition out with an Overheard in New York set of one-liners. After the other day's "fur is murder" quote (which has surpassed the Taste The Rainbow one as my favorite of all time...not to be mistaken for these taste the rainbow moments), I'm going with one-liners from the conductors. Only in New York can you get this kind of insanity (God I LOVE this city!).

Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!

--E Train

Overheard by: cran

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.


Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.

--Metro North Train

Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!

--4 Train

Overheard by: Jamie

Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!

--NJ Transit

Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?

--A Train

Overheard by: Schechter

via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2008.

Peace! I'm out!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Random Acts of Funny

I'm going to mix it up a little. Not only am I going to do some "Overheard" quotes, I'm throwing in some comic relief because I'm crazy like that.

God, I Love Playing Grand Theft Auto

Frat boy #1: I feel like I just had sex.
Frat boy #2: Yeah, I know the feeling.

--Grand Central

Overheard by: Commuter

via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

Isn't That the Highest Compliment Among Your People?

Queer #1: Sometimes you remind me of Donny Osmand.
Queer #2: Sometimes you remind me of an asshole.


via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

My Webcam Tested Negative

Girl: Did you use a condom?
Boy: Nope.
Girl: Your going to get an STD!
Boy: No, I'm not. It's okay.
Girl: That's what you said last time!

--Union Square

via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

Gene Simmons: What?! I Fucking Quit!

High school hipster #1: Dude, you know that guy Ray Simmons?
High school hipster #2: Who?
High school hipster #1: Ray Simmons, Ray Simmons. I dunno dude, the fucking guy from KISS.
High school hipster #3: Richard Simmons.
High school hipster #1: Yeah, that's it, Richard Simmons.

--Path Train to NYC

Overheard by: sweatin' to the oldies

via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

Though I'd Probably Have Been Smited by Now
Suit #1: I have to leave at five today.
Suit #2: Why?
Suit #1: I have to go to church.
Suit #2: Jesus Christ! I wish I was religious.

--New York Post
via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

Plus, I Got You That Golden Ticket, Veruca
Three-year-old: I have a lot of M&Ms at mommy's house.
Dad: Yes, but you get more snacks at daddy's house.

--Path Train

Overheard by: Jatmos
via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

I Wept Profusely Throughout
Emo kid: Dude, have you seen Alvin and the Chipmunks yet?
Big black guy: No, not yet.
Emo kid: It was off the hook!
Big black guy: Really?!

--Starbucks, Port Authority
via Overheard in New York, Jul 29, 2008

For Me, Getting Married Would Be Like Playing Madhouse
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Getting married is like playing house! It sucks!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah! I never want to get married or have kids. I have too many mental illnesses to pass along.

--L Train
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008

Good Point-- Fuck Those Furry Little Bastards
Little guy to big guy wearing fur hat: You know, wearing fur is murder.
Big guy wearing fur hat: So is me pushing you off the train.

--A Train
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008

Thanks for the Recipe, Pampered Chef!
Thug #1: Yo, what it mean when you call a woman "apple bottom"?
Thug #2 (half asleep): Cake.
Thug #1 to thugette: See woman, I told you it mean you got cake.

--1 Train

Overheard by: bianca's boyfriend
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008

The... Dude Police?
(drunk group of 20-somethings stumble out of a bar onto the street)
Unstable random lady: Alcoholic! You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous!
Drunk guy: Dude, just mind your own business.
Unstable random lady: Don't call me dude! I'll call the cops on you!

--W 3rd & Thompson
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008

Sorry, I Prefer My Men Filtered
Redneck guy: Hey, got an extra cigarette?
Hipster guy with hipster girl next to him: No, sorry man.
Redneck guy: Well, can I fuck her then?

--43rd & 7th

Overheard by: no, she's mine
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008

Here is a Pearls Before Swine comic which answers the question for the ages.

Agnes wants to come up with the saddies to be depressing comic strips to make the reader's world seem so much brighter.

I have been negligent in my "Tom Tomorrow" comics because the Village Voice stopped feeding my RSS feeder with them, so here's the catch-up.
- Sparkman (last seen sometime last month) is able to overcome the bad press from his Anti-troops statement to come out the victor.
- An explanation for all the different Obama haters out there.
- An explanation for the "appeal" of McCain to his supporters.
- And, finally, the private eye film on the free market hand's need for a "fix".

Still with me? Okay.

Candorville did a comic which pointed out the lunacy surrounding Michelle Obama's pride in her country comment (trust me, it's worth reading).

Finally, a couple of comics I can actually embed (if I can get it right) that are random, funny, and here for the hell of it (courtesy of


EDIT: I have no idea how to embed anything, so these comics will either not show up at all or will only show part of the image depending on your browser. I'll try to fix this later, since I need to be getting home.

Monday, July 28, 2008

News Delayed is not News Denied

Yes, I should be ashamed of myself for that title.

Anyway, part of the reason why the Overheard stuff got posted first was because I needed to clear some of my Firefox tabs so that I could actually copy the stupid links for my news article. As I contemplate switching from Best Week Ever to The Soup as my daily celebutainment blog of choice, here are the items that were interesting today.

- Are there just not enough summer activities for teens these days? Two teenagers jumped a younger teen and stole his sandwich costume. Really? Was it just too hot to knock over a convenient store?

- I think a line from the police chief sums this one up best: "We want people to like our officers, but not to lick them."

- Apparently, you can grow too much medical marijuana. Even though this guy has a card approving of growing "medicinal use" Mary Jane, he had 35 mature plants and 8 immature plants, which is more than the 6 mature/18 immature plants he's allowed to have. Oh, and he got in trouble for having a 15-year-old help him tend the plants. Can't fail to point out the really bad part of this.

- I'm almost with the drunk on this one: A man shot his lawnmower because it wouldn't start. His defense? "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." After seeing his mug shot, who wouldn't want a piece of this? (nobody wants that!)

- That's just not nice. A 73-year-old gardener was unwittingly breaking the law when police discovered he was tending marijuana plants along with his begonias. The Dutch police are letting him get rid of the pot plants (probably planted by some neighborhood young people) while preserving his begonias, because they're cool like that. Just remember, it's legal to buy pot in coffee shops over there, it's just not legal to grow your own stuff.

- Here's a tip to the Nicaraguan thieves out there: If you're going to steal something from an exhibit on a poet, take his priceless manuscripts and not his ceremonial sword. Take the items that are worth something, okay?

- Most people may not find the sentiment in this, but I thought it was sweet: A UPS delivery man was taken on one last delivery when his friend and co-worker delivered the decedent to his funeral service in a UPS truck. It's not the craziest thing I've heard of, and I thought it was nice of UPS to allow that delivery to go through.

- Aww, poor kitty! A cat was brought into a fire department with its head stuck in a jar. The firefighters were able to lube the kitty out (I'm gross, I know), but nobody knows how long he's been in the Mason jar.

- Anyone familiar with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition should not be surprised about this story. A Lake City, Georgia family was facing foreclosure on their Extreme Makeover home. Considering that the show demolishes your home and builds you something so much bigger that it raises your property taxes, the mayor should not have been surprised that this happened. As it is, I'm surprised that this hasn't happened more frequently. It's a nice gesture, but paying someone's mortgage and giving them $100,000 isn't enough to offset the new costs.

- The tabloids aren't all bad. A UK politician had his stolen bike returned to him with the help of a tabloid magazine and neighbors in the area in which the bike was found.

- And because they haven't fixed the link on the site I found this on, this will have to do: A man has been busted for driving his vehicle with his wife on the roof. I know he was drunk, but what was she doing up there? The world may never know.

To close out today's post, here's the final word on Agnes' "normalization". When "the voices" say that this will last three weeks, you know the normalizing has been a success.

Highlights of "Overheard"

Since I just realized I'm much farther behind on my work that I thought, I'm going to try to cut back on the amount of time I spend doing non-work things at work. These were the Overheard in New York postings that I found hilarious and will post for your amusement.

Today It's a Lolly. Tomorrow It's a BMW

(waiting in line)
Four-year-old kid: Mommy, I really want a lollipop!
Mom: Uhuh, move up here honey.
Kid: Mom! Just give in, I want a lollipop, okay?
(mother ignores him)
Kid: Just give in, it's okay, I want one. It's okay to give in, mom.
Kid: Mom, this isn't going to work for me! I want a lollipop!
Random guy in line: Resist!

--Associated Supermarkets, Bleecker & LaGuardia

Overheard by: CaitlinisNewHere

via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008
See How Easy It Is Finding Someone to Tell You What to Do?

Ditzy blonde: I know you'll think this is stupid, but I was thinking of going to a life coach. A life coach or a really good psychic.
Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it's stupid. Here, I'll be your life coach: Fuck psychics, and go get a job. Oh, and don't get fired this time. You're fixed now.

--Metro North-Harlem

via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008
Every Artist Has His Own Medium
Drunk black guy #1: That's when I started cooking with weed. The Jamaicans told me you can cook with it.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black guy #1: I made chicken soup with that shit. I had soupy chicken weed. I was high as fuck.
Drunk black guy #2: Yeah?
Drunk black woman: You ever had weed fishcakes? Weed fishcakes. I make that shit.
Drunk black guy #2: Fishcakes?
Drunk black woman: And pork fried weed.
Drunk black guy #1: I want to come to your parties. You creative.

--4 Train

Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008
Bear in Mind, I've Seen That Video Of You and the Other Girl
Mom: We should call up doctor Katz* so he can check you up, figure out your measurements and percentiles.
Kid: I like it when I pee in the cup!
Mom: Oh, do you?
Kid (as they exit the train): Yeah. Do you like the cup mommy? Do you? Do you?

--1 Train

Overheard by: RG
via Overheard in New York, Jul 27, 2008
I've Moonwalked on Water
Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I'd choose 24.
Van mate: Oh, you'd one-up Jesus.
Driver: Man, I've been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That's all I do.

--West Side Highway
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008
You Let Me Smoke Your Weed and I Let You Stare at My Boobs?
Girl: When I found out he was all about sex, the crush was all over.
Dude: Oh, come on. I'm sure he's more mature now.
Girl: Why are you trying to pawn me off on all these guys? I mean, come on, sex is not cool.
Dude: Why are we friends?

--Cafe Esperanto
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008
Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment
Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don't know. Hell's Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem's still bad, but it's not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.

--1 Train

Overheard by: Alex Remnick
via Overheard in New York, Jul 27, 2008
And Then We'd Have a Reason to Drink
Hipster dude: Hey, wanna know the best way to not get carded at restaurants?
Hipster chick: Offer blowjobs?
Hipster dude: Naw, we could kidnap a kid, train it to call us mommy and daddy, and bring it with us everywhere when we wanna drink.

--7th & Bleecker
via Overheard in New York, Jul 27, 2008
I'm Just Gonna Pop Out for a Cigarette

Long Island lady #1: Okay. I get what he's doing now. I'm moving on to the landscapes. Join me when you're done.
Long Island lady #2 (still entranced): Um. Yes. Yes, I'm done too.

--Nude Room, Gustave Courbet Exhibit, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Colleen

via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008
And I've Completely Committed to the Role

ER doctor to bloody man with legs strapped to gurney: So, what's going on here?
Patient: I'm a drunk.

--Bellevue Emergency Treatment Room

Overheard by: judith currin

via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008

Thursday, July 24, 2008

News, Intermittently

I was able to get my sister on her Greyhound bus back home without too much trouble. Apparently, she needs to learn how to read a map (and she might also need to get a compass) because she kept getting lost on campus. Now I know the campus is huge, but when you're supposed to be going to a building in the middle of campus and you walk the perimiter three times, it's time to stop and ask for directions. I'm just glad her mother called her while she was aimlessly walking about. When her mother asked her "Didn't they give you a map?" she replied with a gasp (not kidding) "Oh, so that's what that is." I love her, but that's just funny (and sad, and funny).

I haven't been feeling well lately, so my posts have begun to become less regular. I'm not sure when (or if) that will change anytime soon, so that's just the notice for everyone just in case people wonder why I'm not posting as often.

And before I begin my news posts, I have to 'fess up to something really embarrassing. I was sitting here starting this post when I saw this really big beetle/fly thing on my purse. I'm usually only squeamish around spiders (but that's because poisonous ones can get you), but because I didn't know what the hell it was, I kicked the chair the bag is on away from me and asked my cubicle-neighbor (and fellow intern) to help me with it. What I said was, "This may be the most bizarre request that you'll ever get, but I've got a bug on my bag and I'm freaking out about it." He collected it in a cup and went outside to free it in the grass. My guess is that this pregnancy has me on edge, but that bug got lucky; if I hadn't been afraid of it, I would've just killed it.

Anyway, on with the news. I'm including stories I read yesterday, so this will be longer than the usual fare.

- Here's one for all you drinkers out there who want to thwart the breathalyser test: White-out doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that crap can't taste all that good, either (but it can give you a wicked high if a crazy girl borrows it, colors a picture with the product over a 90 minute period and you're sitting downwind).

- Speaking of drunkards, how did this guy not die? A man blew a .491 on the breathalyser test. To give you perspective, a .5 is fatal, so how he managed to not keel over is beyond me.

- Torturing people with their allergies is not cool, but apparently this lady didn't get the memo. A woman tried to cram a peanut in her neighbor's mouth and taunted the woman with more threats of the peanutty kind. And she also vandalized her car, so this woman was not only being creative, she was mixing it in with run-of-the-mill stupidity.

- I want this guy's neighbors: A robber was trussed and presented to police after a man came home to a home invasion in progress. The other suspects got away, but the one man was hog-tied by neighbors armed with duct tape. Forget State Farm, these are the good neighbors I want.

- I wonder how this conversation went? "Hey lady, you forgot your daughter!" A woman was robbing a store and when she took off, she left her six-year-old behind. The husband was "genuinely surprised" to find out that his wife had left their daughter behind. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't surprised by this.

- This one goes in the "D'oh!" files: A man was caught after writing the bank robbery notes on the back of his personal checks. What kills me is this dink did this more than once!

- How do you know crime doesn't pay? When you're held on $500 bond for stealing 42 cents from a fountain.

- When does fraud not pay? When you try to get both a Home Depot and a restaurant to pay for your torn designer jeans and get busted for grand theft. Dude, if I had $1,500, I can assure you I wouldn't have spent it on a pair of jeans.

- I can't blame the police for this one: Police in England have taken to posting bogus emergency calls on YouTube in the hopes that people will stop calling with non-emergencies. I am sure they want to stop having conversations that end with such gems as "No, sir, it's not an emergency if your wife didn't leave you a meal. May we suggest you make yourself a sandwich before we come to arrest you for tying up emergency services?"

- Score one for the civilians: A police officer has to pay a fine for illegaly parking outside of a sushi restaurant. He claimed that he had the right to park there for emergency purposes, but stopping for sushi is not an emergency. And while Portland, Oregon officials will be asking for rule changes to allow officers to park illegally when going in for food or bathroom breaks, the lawyer who busted this guy feels he won one for the non-badge wearers out there.

- Leave bug killing to the pros, okay? A guy in New Jersey blew up his apartment while using bug spray. It ignited and destroyed 80% of his apartment. Bugs 1, New Jersey Man 0.

- How does one wrap their mind around a story like this? A maintenance man who was making $100,000 a year (how?) was living in an old paint shed rent free for three years. He was on the grounds of the psychiatric center that he worked for, and even had mail delivered there. He's being charged $2,500 for the time he lived there (nobody knew about it until the inspector showed up), but here's the kicker: He's now living with his wife(!) in a home three miles away. So apparently they like to have people working at psychiatric centers who should also be patients. That, and how do I get a $100,000 job doing maintenance?

- The mayor of Belmar, New Jersey, apparently doesn't want tourists to come to town anymore after making fun of Staten Island girls and talking about "guidos" who come to visit. When you thrive on tourist dollars, slamming your bread and butter in a newsletter is a banner idea.

- Hey lesbians! A court has ruled that you can call yourselves lesbians after all as the "did not define the identity of the residents of the island" and could be safely used by all of the Sapphic sisters of the world.

- For the crazy sister of mine that I'm not talking to, be careful during your Wiccan ceremony that you don't stab yourself in the foot with a ceremonial sword.

- Watch out in France, nudists, because the nudist colonies have the right to black list people.

- I was on the side of the doctor until I re-read this today: A woman is suing her orthopedic surgeon for placing a temporary tattoo on her abdomen while she was unconscious. He says he does this to make the patients feel better, and I was going to agree with that and tell her to lighten up until I realized that he's an orthopedic surgeon and shouldn't be anywhere near her abdomen.

- A rabbit resuced a family from a fire, proving that rabbits can be heroes too.

- And, finally, a judge has decided that there are some names that are too bizarre to be legal. A New Zealand judge ordered an eight-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name can be legally changed to something other than Talula Does The Hula (really). Some of the other banned names have been Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. And while others, like Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence have been given the green light, I'm glad that there is somebody finally telling parents to "please think of the children" (Mrs. Lovejoy of the Simpsons) when coming up with these dumbass names. Now if only they could send this guy out to Hollywood...

I cap this off with an Agnes comic strip where she is still trying to "normalize herself". I've given up on that and have chosen instead to embrace my insanity and put it to good use. Eventually.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

So Long, Estelle

I'm sad to report that Estelle Getty, the woman who played Sophia on The Golden Girls has passed away at 84. When she was cast for the role, she was actually too young to play Bea Arthur's mother, but when she came in with makeup that aged her 20 years, she won the part.

She announced that she had Parkinson's Disease in 2000, and lated developed dementia (which is a frightening disease I've seen with my great-grandmother and hope to never have to experience again). She was surrounded by family, which is always good to hear.

I haven't seen this clip, but in honor of her best-known character, here's montage of Sophia moments from the Golden Girls. Rest in peace, honey.

Delayed, but Still News-worthy-ish

Sorry I've been gone for so long. After my anniversary, I got a call from one of my sisters asking for a place to stay for a couple of days for orientation. I immediately said "yes" so that I could force my husband's hand and make him actually help me clean the house (it looks better, but we can still do more). I have six other siblings (I am the 2nd eldest, and the oldest girl) and we haven't had that many of us graduate high school. My older brother (the one my dad thinks is retarded) graduated on time and had to fight to get out of LD classes (that my second step-mother had him enrolled in) to take his Proficiency test (which he passed!). I was the second one to graduate with a pretty good (3.5) average from a competitive private school. Three of my siblings ended up dropping out of school, and the two boys got GEDs while the girl spent 10 years going to "internet school" and only managed to graduate by having everyone else help her with her online finals. 6of7 (because a Borg name seems to be the mood I'm in today) is the first sibling to graduate high school since me (and that was 12 years ago), and she is going to be attending Ohio State with me (of all people). We ended up talking all night when she came to our place and just as I was getting ready to go to bed, the power went out in a thunderstorm (and I stayed relatively calm because I wasn't by myself in the house).

Other than finding out that this sister and I have a lot more in common than we knew (and we both agree that my father, now to be called Daddy Douchebag [thanks, sis!] has been going around trying to start trouble), I've been trying to not freak out that I'm going to have the baby early.

Now that I've (sort of) updated on why I haven't really posted anything, let's get on with the news.

- The police in Washington were able to find a couple of knuckleheaded robbers as they were found asleep on the stolen loot. There was even a "breadcrumb trail" of stolen bags and pillows leading to their sleep spot. I think it goes without saying that alcohol was involved (but they say it anyway). At least there are pictures!

- To steal a line from Animal House: "Being 13, in love, and stupid is no way to go through life, girl." This child ran away from home with her boyfriend and, after being arrested stole the police van as the driver had to stop for directions. This is one 13-year-old who won't be remanded to her parents.

- An example of how a small thing can become huge: A man stripped to his underwear and took off running from the police after a routine traffic stop. He was spotted later in the day with clothing on, but he finally gave himself up when he tried to swim away and got tired. You're license was suspended (and you had misdemeanor drug charges), and now you may have felony alluding charges. Moron.

- These guys deserve jail: Two men have been sentenced after setting a passed-out friend's crotch on fire as a prank. I'm pretty sure second degree burns on testicles is absolutely hilarious. This is why there should be an IQ test to be allowed to drink.

- A Connecticut woman, recently fired, tried to get her boss' electricity cut off by using a friend's computer to set it up. The plan failed when the boss was called to confirm that he wanted his electricity off. Maybe there was a reason you got fired...

- This just sounds like something from a Cheech and Chong movie, doesn't it? A man was arrested for smoking pot in an ice cream truck. He claimed he was off-duty and waiting to pick his kids up from daycare. Along with the pot, he had also been drinking (no!) and was promptly arrested.

- An Indiana pastor broke his wrist when his motorcycle got away from him during service. I don't know what he was trying to convey with the motorcycle, but I'll bet he won't be doing that again.

- And just for fun, here's a link to a McDonald's contest finalist who spent 12 years in jail for robbing a McDonald's and is now trying to win their new Big Mac jingle. Also, a "mystic normalator" might be just what I need (with the same results as Agnes).

That's it for today. Since I'm going to be at work for awhile longer, I'll actually get something done (for once). Peace! I'm out!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Mixed-Bag News Stories

Today's stories are all over the place. Apparently, crazy things are going on all over the world, and not just with the criminals (but they have kept busy). As I try to figure out the order I'm going to proceed with, I'll just throw it together and see if it holds. Let's get started.

- A woman was shocked when she discovered that the man robbing her pizza store was her father. Her father, mother, and husband(!) were planning a robbery (that the husband says the victim was unaware of), but the husband thought they were going to hit a convenience store and not the store where his wife worked.

- A brain-addled Brit has been banned from posting his videos on YouTube because he was sharing all of his criminal exploits on the website. The article calls him the country's most brazen criminal, but I don't know what I'd call him. Other than stupid.

- A drunk woman tried to bribe the police with money and sex to get out of a drunk driving arrest. Let's just say this plan didn't work.

- A man pulls a triathlon as he biked, swam, and ran away from the police who still caught him anyway. He gets points for creativity, but loses ultimately for getting caught (and being a dumb criminal in the first place).

- Three Romanian boxers who had been banned from boxing for life for shoplifting in Chicago had their sentences reduced to a year. This really wasn't that interesting now that I think about it, so I don't know why I'm posting it.

- I am probably the only person who wouldn't have been bothered by this at my graduation: A man has been told he has to apologize for dressing up like a penis to the entire town for being offensive. I get that what he did was wrong, but I'm not as hung up about it as anyone else would be. My high school graduation was so dry that anything disruptive would've been appreciated.

- This is rather cute: An 11-year-old now tracks people's speeds with a toy radar gun that actually records people's speeds. Going 55 in a 25 mph area is too fast, but I don't like the fact that the city will only put in speed humps if the residents will pay for half of it.

- An air hostess dug a Kit Kat wrapper out of the trash (that she had thrown away 2 hours prior) and won a trip to the Earth's upper atmosphere. Sometimes a person can have that Willy Wonka experience and get something cool. Good for her!

- This would've been so cool on video: A couple in a Latvian apartment survived a lightning strike that destroyed their glass dining room table. Their table top had turned into dust, and I would've loved to have seen that even if thunderstorms freak me out.

- But who would want them? Seattle is selling its 5 self-cleaning toilets due to the illicit activities that would take place inside. So far, no bids have been placed on any of the systems (and at $89,000 to start, I am not surprised).

- To end this edition, I looked around for the best link on this guy who represents the ultimate in irony. A man, who was going to meet a 14-year-old for sex, was busted wearing a World's Greatest Dad shirt. This article, courtesy of The Smoking Gun (which, btw, has the best show on Tru TV featuring stupid criminals in clips, and famous celebrities/former stupid criminals giving their two cents which airs every Thursday at 9 pm) also features other "bright bulbs" in tragically hilarious shirts.

I was wrong about my bad luck: The hat I bought for my husband actually arrived yesterday, but I haven't opened it to see if it's going to work. I really hope he likes what I got him this year.

I can't believe it: Eight years ago I was a 22-year-old student running home from a Statistics class to be forced to try on five dresses just to wear the first one I put on and was driven downtown to get married in front of my grandmother, mom, uncle, and two ladies whose job it seemed was to sit there and watch people get married all day. After celebrating with a cake in my apartment, my family went home, my new husband fell asleep and I talked on the phone with one of my girlfriends for six hours. I went to school the next day with a professor asking me why I was in school after getting married. My response? "I'm paying for it, so I'm going to show up." We didn't have a honeymoon (didn't really want one and couldn't afford it anyway) and while we did have a wedding the next year (complete with a trip to Cedar Point the next day before going back to work that Monday), this is the anniversary that means the most because it's the real one.

And while I know he probably will never read this, I just want to say that I love you and thank you for putting up with me all these years. We've managed so far with just the two of us, so I think we can handle being parents together (but the poor kid is going to have some weird parents). I look forward to the many years ahead (even if I don't always act like it). I love you, Matt.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

News All Over The Place

Before I begin with a complaint about today's news (it feels like I've been complaining about it lately), I just had my doctor's visit today and everything seems to be doing well. The baby's heart-rate is at a strong 130, and while I haven't gained any weight in two weeks, my measurements seem okay, but I'm having a third ultrasound to check for the baby's size. Apparently, growth size is a problem for children of asthmatic mothers (and the bad air is the reason why I spent the weekend feeling like crap). It's hard to be excited about this experience when I just feel overwhelmed and sad all the time. And the baby shower e-vite has netted a better response than expected (so far I have two no's for people who are or will be out of state, and two maybes) because I expected to either not hear from anybody or get all no's. There's no good way to write a plural of no without it being wrong, so I'm stuck using the apostrophe.

Today's stories go all over the place. There are some dumb criminals, interesting celebrity stories, and some head-scratcher stories.

And may I suggest a song to get you into a better mood? It's "Last Time" by Gnarls Barkley from their St. Elsewhere album. It is one of those songs that I have to get up and dance to every time I hear it. Which is a problem when you work in the land of cubicles where the walls don't go all the way up to hide what you're doing, but the baby likes it and it makes me feel a lot better while it's on, so I say give it a shot.

Anyway, on with the news.

- Some criminals just can't catch a break! A Los Angeles burglar ran into a mess of trouble while trying to get away from the cops. He was jumping fences and was prevented by a dog to go any further, another dog chased him, and then he smacked his face into the edge of a roof. Man, it sucks to be you (ha ha!). This article has video, so enjoy the bonus.

- Another hapless criminal got what was coming to him when he robbed a pizza place and got knocked the hell out by a 17-year-old employee. Sometimes its not smart to smack angry people, or they will free the beast all over you.

- What a way to start your first day on the job: A police officer, fresh out of the academy and on his first day on the job, had his squad car wrecked within the first 29 minutes on the job. A drug head hit his car, and the poor guy was heartbroken. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

- This one will get away, but that's alright: A bear broke into an electronics store, but was scared away when he set off an alarm in a nearby restaurant. This sounds like it should be the start of a joke, but I'm tapped out at the moment.

- I sometimes wonder if anyone checks before they send bills: A dog got a $142 phone bill from Verizon Wireless because he had the same name as a customer on the other side of the country. Just because the dog has a credit card (seriously) doesn't mean he also has a cell phone. Now about that American Express....

- From the gross files comes this tale of rats the size of softballs (eww) invading homes in Florida from the yard of an abandoned house. I don't even want to imagine seeing something like that. At all.

- A man who refuses sewage service may be facing jail time. He doesn't want to receive any public utilities and is willing to go to court over being forced to tap into the sewage system. Whatever floats your boat, gramps.

- In the spirit of the traveling gnome, a woman's ceramic dog has been returned with photos from his trip. She thought the dog "was lost and gone forever" (sorry Clementine), but someone decided that it needed a trip because the weather in Oregon was too rainy. I wish someone would take me on a trip.

- My celebrities will get combined because I feel like it (I guess). Have you seen Helen Mirren lately? I mean look at that body! I try not to think about how she's never had children, but I was never going to have a body like that even if I never became a mother. Besides, missing out on motherhood is her loss. Now if I can get myself to buy that, we'd be set. But in sad news, Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C. I really wish her the best as this disease most likely was the result of her earlier years of drug abuse.

That's it for today. Tomorrow's my eighth wedding anniversary, but I'll probably post something during my usual time (@ work, of course). Since I seem to be an unwitting member of the church of Murphy, the gift I ordered online won't get here until Friday and I won't be able to find that damn book he said he wanted when I go to the mall today. Oh well, have a good one everybody.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Keep It To Yourself: A Life Philosophy

I was reading an article today about a British single parent who died from having gastric bypass surgery, and her motivations for getting the procedure done was to keep her son from being teased for having a fat mother. The little boy couldn't understand why she got the surgery because he didn't see her as fat, he saw her as "mummy" and loved her as she was. And while she wasn't really fat enough to qualify for gastric bypass (that used to be true; you had to be well into obese to qualify for it in the past, but clearly that's not the case anymore when you see what she looked like), a lifetime of being teased left its scar on her and she ultimately succumbed to an allergic reaction to the surgery (an inflammation that resulted in multiple organ failure). That brought back a philosophy that I came up with last year called KITY, or Keep It To Yourself.

I came up with this while on the phone with my uncle who has self-image problems stemming from people constantly saying that he was fat when he was younger but completely forgetting the fact that my aunt actually was fat back then. Many of these comments would come from well-meaning people who say things that are far more damaging than anything a person who dislikes you can do to you. To this day, he's obsessed with his weight and despite the fact that he has tremendous strength from weight-lifting, he still feels the need to lose a few more pounds. I used to spend some of my time reassuring him that he wasn't fat (I guess he wasn't rail-thin as was the fashion in the '80s, but he wasn't fat), but I think he's getting more comfortable with himself now that he has friends to hang out with (yay!). I just wish people wouldn't go out of their way to toss out their two-cents because it can affect people forever.

This applies to not just concerns about fatness, it is also other things that people like to point out that needs to stop. My uncle is very smart [When you graduate high school at 15, I think you can say that without bragging], but he doesn't go around acting as if he's a know-it-all. Still, it hasn't stopped people from from making hurtful comments like "Well, you know everything" or "You think you know so much" when he doesn't even pretend to know everything. If anything, he was my first introduction to the concept of reference librarianship because he would look up the answer to anything you asked him (much to my consternation as a child). He doesn't act like a know-it-all, but the people who accuse him of doing so are the ones who are quick to point out what they know, so I chalk it up to people projecting their ugly habits on someone else.

He's not the only person to get this kind of attack. I still think I'm unattractive because I was never one of the pretty girls in school. If I could go back in time, I would go to Junior High and box the ears of all the guys who would say that I wasn't pretty, but I wasn't ugly either when they would talk about the girls while I was around. I didn't need to be talked about; I wasn't trying to be anything but myself and that was already complicated by the abuse I was taking from that...person my aunt married. I don't think of myself as smart because I wasn't as smart as the top people in school (not that it means anything now), and I had "helpful" people at my family's church who said I was "growing up and out in stature" when I gained weight in college [Was that really necessary?]. It's like the people who used to end up on the talk shows after losing weight because of all the taunting they experienced growing up; the people who did the taunting (and time was usually not kind to those people at all) would always say stupid shit like "You should be thanking me for doing that to you because you lost the weight, didn't you?" because they never got that they were just being mean.

KITY is supposed to be a philosophy where everyone checks themselves before they say something that can be really damaging to someone else. It's supposed to make you stop and think about the consequences of what you have to say before you say it.

Do you really need to tell someone that they're fat and that it's their fault that you don't find them attractive anymore? No. Do you think it's a great idea to talk about how fat you thought someone was as a child as a way to backhand-compliment them on their weight-loss? No. Is it necessary to constantly bring up how person a isn't nearly as bright as person b because person b happened to be one math class ahead of person a? No. I wish I could think of more examples, but I'm sure my readers can think of things that would fall into this category of things-that-never-need-be-said-but-are-said-anyway.

Comments that fall into the KITY category usually come from the people who are supposed to be your friends, or are people who are supposed to be kind or good to you (i.e. family, teachers, church-goers), but non-friends can say these things as well. It just hurts more when it's supposed to be someone on your side. I'm not the only person out there who carries scars from callous teachers and well-intentioned friends, but the scars do fade with time sometimes. Unfortunately, the effects are usually lasting and that's why I want these comments to stop.

If it doesn't help anyone, don't say it. It's a simple concept but it can be so hard for people to get their heads around it.

It's a shame that the woman in this article wasn't able to recover from the slings and arrows of her childhood. She had to leave her son behind, which is not what she wanted at all. She really believed that the surgery would help them both have a happier life. All he really wants is to have his mother back.

So, the next time you hear someone say something exceedingly harmful, tell them about this philosophy. Maybe one of these thick-headed people will get it someday.

I can always hope.

Today's News and Quotes

Today's news encompasses dumb criminals, lucky people and animals, and some random quotes from my favorite quote site. The things that people are willing to do these days....

- An idiot criminal broke into an apartment in Brooklyn came back to the scene of the crime because he left his wallet behind and it just so happened that the apartment's occupant returned as the guy was trying to break back in for his property. The police picked him up as he was shoving the stolen money under the door in exchange for his wallet. Dumbass.

- Apparently, some people haven't gotten the memo that joking in the airport about having a weapon in your suitcase can get you in a ton of trouble. The German man and his wife were refused entry on the plane even after it was discovered that the mysterious cylinders were from umbrellas.

- How did he pull this off? Some guy in Brisbane robbed a service station (successfully, I might add) with a florecent light bulb. Did he come up with this with a cartoon thought bubble over his head, taking the bulb out and committing the robbery with it? Unbelievable that he actually got away with it.

- This one I'm actually on the fence about. A man in New Jersey was arrested for having a display of porn, a naked Barbie doll, and a thong on a platter in his car in a rest area. The reason I'm not 100% against the criminal is because I don't freak out that children will see this stuff. He claims that he was in the process of moving, but because it looked like he had this stuff on display, he was kind of asking to get in trouble. It's one thing to have it in your car and you forgot to cover up a video, but it's another thing to have a virtual shrine to porn in there. Why are they looking in his car anyway? Mind your own business.

- A woman who planted a dead rat in some restaurant and tried to extort the place for $500,000 is facing one felony count of extortion. It was discovered that the rat was 1) a lab animal and 2) had been microwaved (the restaurant in question didn't use microwaves in their cooking process).

- A woman smacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat because he wouldn't stop using drugs. They're both in trouble, but I hazard a guess that she is not in near as much trouble as her cocaine smoking beau.

- A 77-year-old grandmother pinned down a fox that attacked her and held it down until help arrived. She's recovering from her injuries, but I just thought it was really cool that she stood her ground with the rabid animal. My grandmother would've been 77 in February, and I could've seen her doing this.

- Talk about lucky: A koala was hit by a car and carried for seven miles in the grille and managed to survive. That's one tough koala.

To finish this out, I'm including some Overheard in New York quotes that either had great titles, or were ones I could really relate to (it'll make sense in the end, I promise).

New York Is Like a Performance Art Installation That Never Closes
Crazy guy eating in deli: You know, 200 years ago, people wouldn't be able to get anything they wanted from this place... They'd have to go hunt for food.
Clerk, pretending to be amused: Oh, really?
Crazy guy eating in deli (really excited): And you know what?! There used to be cats screaming all night long until the Chinese food places came around (laughs to himself) but not anymore!

--27th & 6th

Overheard by: Karl
via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008
Wasn't She the Deaf and Blind Girl with the Miracle Worker?
Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank?
Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary?
Mother: I mean, I've read about the holocaust, but I don't know any specific authors.

--Smith & Sackett, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: David
via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008
Army Recruiter: We've Got Your Dream Job

Male student #1: It's not easy.
Male student #2: Nothing is easy. (pause) Some things are simple.
Male student #1: Oh, sure.
Male student #2: But nothing is easy. (pause) I have no idea where I'm going.

--NYU Campus

Overheard by: zelda

via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008
It's a Vicious Cycle
Hipster guy: I am always so embittered.
Hipster girl: I know, and I hate it.

--13th & 2nd

Overheard by: Slammy
via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2008
I Tried Them Once, But I Kept Getting Stuck to the Fridge
Not-so-chubby girl: Dude, I'm so fat.
Ordinary girl: No you're not. You just got a little belly.
Not-so-chubby girl: Yeah...I wish I had fat magnets so I could put them in my bra. It would suck up all my fat and make me go up a cup size.
Ordinary girl: Wow. And I always thought plastic surgery was the only option.

via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2008

I can relate best to the third and fourth ones because I seem to hate everything lately (and I can't stand it anymore), and I have had those spacey conversations where you have no idea what you're trying to say and really need someone to help you stop.

I've got a special post coming up later about a philosophy I came up with last year that really needs to be spread. Later, gators.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Slow News Day

Apparently, even the criminals were taking time off to bask in the glow of Brangelina's twins with the semi-jacked up names (I think I called them Knox Berry Farm and Vivian Leigh somewhere) because I didn't find that much to report. So, I'm going to end this with a bunch of comic strips that I found funny. I'm not well, so don't expect my A-game material. Let's get this started.

- A drunk young man ransacked the house of a woman he didn't know and growled at her after ripping the sheets off of her and her baby. I know that some people become surly drunks, but this is going way too far.

- Apparently, taking a cab from the scene of a crime can buy you some time after all. Especially after they've caught you and you manage to slip away. I'll have to keep that one in mind.

- A botched drug bust led to a bunch of McDonald's patrons being terrorized by the masked policemen as they try to capture a drug dealer who escaped to the bathroom. The plan was supposed to be to get the guy as he was leaving, but he forgot his milkshake and went back for it, realized what was going on and high-tailed it to the toilet. Too bad he wasn't smart enough to flush the drugs.

- How many times are people going to steal police cars before they all figure out that it's a very bad idea? I keep running into this story so often it's becoming tiresome.

- Easiest way to get busted after a robbery? Be drunk and chatty. Oh, and rob someone who you know. That helps, too.

- I have a younger sister who collects Barbie dolls, so I wonder if she'll be getting Barbie's tribute to The Birds Hitchcock film. If she does, she won't be getting it from me.

To close out today's post, I have here the best from Non Sequitur, Curtis, and Sinfest. The Non Sequitur comic asks how long can one ignore reality and get through life, Curtis' trusting friend lives in a world with rose-colored glasses and Sinfest shows how I feel sometimes when I miss church.

MIA All Weekend

I had intended on posting again on Friday night. Really. Unfortunately, I decided that this was the weekend to get sick. I didn't get anything done, and I missed church (and the announcement that someone else is also having a baby soon!) due to having lungs that have decided to do their impersonation of a filling swimming pool. A few updates in life did occur, however:

- My brother called me on Friday to discuss his worries about my mother's health, my aunt's assiness, and my father's inability to think outside of his pants (he's a perv, so he assumes his son is as well). I got him calmed down and I think he's going to be alright.

- My mother is going to finally tell the people at church to butt out of my family's lives. She doesn't lack a spine, she's just got an exceedingly long fuse that has finally burned itself out.

- And in really cool news, my husband got to talk to his birth mother for the first time this week. He had always known he was adopted and wanted to wait until he felt like an adult to try to contact them, so he called her up this week (I was on the other line) and she seems like a very nice woman. We're going to meet her after the baby is born, so I'm looking forward to it.

I feel terrible because I've missed so much stuff over the weekend on other people's blogs, but bad health can't be helped.

And now I have to try to devise a way to tell my girlfriends about my baby shower, but I feel guilty in asking people to drive 2 1/2 hours out of their way to buy me something when we haven't seen each other in a really long time. I don't have any friends in town (something that I hope will change once I go back to school), so my baby shower invites have been my mom, my aunt, my little cousin, and my mother-in-law. Man, do I suck.

I am compiling news posts while trying to get some work done...and I haven't eaten anything yet (which is a problem because I'm not hungry and I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing), so I don't know when I'll get the next post up.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

News Delayed...I'm Having A Bladder...Banner Day

I have some interesting news items to post, but I may not get them up until later because I want to go home (I got to work close to on-time today!) and my child has decided to spend the whole day making me race to the bathroom. How fun.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

And Now, To Change Gears...

After getting some much-neeeded advice after yesterday's breakdown (and I can't thank you enough, David and Dan), I'm resuming the "news" portion of the blog. Since I want to go home soon, I'm going to go through these as fast as possible.

- Another idiot got arrested for trying to buy crack when he was robbed trying to buy the drugs.

- A man managed to escape from the police after a high-speed chase, but by leaving his cell phone behind, he'll be caught soon.

- This man is up on felony charges after trying to bribe the cops, then stealing (and crashing) a police cruiser, and then trying to get a family to help him after he invaded their home. Considering that he was up on misdemeanor charges before all this began, he's in the running for dumbest criminal of the year.

- While this guy is only being held on concealed weapons charges, the police found human teeth, rope, and sonogram images among his belongings in a search.

- The Concorde can get no love: A truck rammed the nose of the Concorde and it fell off! They can fix it, but it's still another patch of bad luck for the retired plane.

- A goat was arrested for jumping on a Mercedes. The dog, however, just went along for a ride.

- A guy tried to rob a bar with a cheese grater.

- A dumbass is currently in jail for delivering pot and LSD-laced cookies to over a dozen police stations care of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Yes, MADD is mad about this.

- Apparently, if you have a friend who talks too much in Germany (and 30 hours straight is too much), you can successfully call the police and have the person taken away. The key is to not call 911 like the gentleman from Monday's post.

- In serious news, the Black Panther who was sentenced to over 30 years of solitary confinement for killing a guard (based on the testimony of a convicted rapist) has had his conviction overturned.

- In sad news, there will be no charges brought against the hospital where a woman died in the LA hospital emergency room last year from burst intestines. The report says she would've died anyway. Nice.

- A Japanese Toyota autoworker died from overworking. He put in 80 hours of overtime a month, among other things, and his family will be able to get compensation from the company over this ruling.

- And in simply-to-piss-me-off news, OK Magazine interviewed Jamie Lynn Spears about raising a baby and she talks about how great it is, how she wants to be a soccer mom, and how her mother told her to follow her instincts when it comes to parenting. Damnit, this is still a child. Quit glorifying teenage parenthood with talk about how the delivery was perfect and that the child doesn't cry and all that other shit. I just want to beat her ass for not keeping her mouth shut.

To lighten the mood (and because it was sweet), I am posting today's SinFest comic about friendship.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

How Much More Can I Take? I Don't Know.

I wasn't sure I was going to post today. I'm feeling very depressed over the possible detonation of my family back in Cleveland, my brother got attacked on the bus the other night and beat the crap out of some 47-year-old drug user, and my husband seemed content to ignore that I was upset about my family's situation and continues his campaign to be the laziest person on the planet.

My mom and uncle can't get work and neither of them drive. They're both educated [My uncle is close to finishing his own PhD if he goes back to wrap up the dissertation], but it's hard to find work and my aunt refuses to help them get work with the Justice Department. My aunt, who chooses to live far away from everyone (and from work) won't help them by offering to take them grocery shopping [but will "borrow" money from my mother], and my husband and I suspect that she wants them to sell my grandmother's house so that she can get a windfall [The house was the only thing she had left to give the family]. This woman, who married that horrible man that ruined my life for 10 years, doesn't consider others and feels the need to "control" her daughter (whose only crime is that she has a huge capacity to love people). She doesn't seem to realize that her daughter is going to be the one who puts her in her place if she keeps this up.

My dad (who I've talked about in the past) screwed my brother out of a place to live, and treats him as if he is retarded. I'm actually surprised that he noticed that he didn't receive a call on Father's Day from either of us, but you don't hurt my brother and expect me to be nice about it. My brother no longer has a working car but still manages to bring groceries over to the house on the bus, and wants to spend time with his six-year-old son but the child's mother is a greedy bitch who takes the child support and spends it on herself and her new boyfriend. Now that he feels that he has nothing to lose, he was more than willing to unleash hell on a man who targeted him because he's really skinny. My brother wants to do right by his son (and is a much better father than my dad has turned out to be) and is setting up an account for him to be accessed once he turns 18.

I'm upset about all of this because I'm still in Columbus, which is 2 1/2 hours away, and I feel as if I'm letting the family down because I'm not there to help them. I haven't been up there in months, and I want to get there before I have the baby (which is coming up sooner than even I realized) but I don't know if we'll have the money for the gas to travel there and back. I want to help them keep the house and keep the family together, but the way my aunt is acting is pushing me to that point where I will tell her ass off to get her to stop being so fucking selfish.

I rarely do things for myself, and school was the one thing I was doing for me. Now that there's the possibility that my mom and uncle will lose the house, I feel like I'm at fault for not moving back home to put things in order.

Instead, I'm starting graduate school.

I committed to the fellowship for school before I knew the extent to which things had gotten for them up there, and I am no longer in a position to just walk away from it and try again next year. This is my last shot at doing this PhD. There's possibilities with that kind of degree [Ideally, I would like to find a way to either stick with comics in a teaching context or just chuck it all and go the Sex Ed route, which is a huge cause that I'll go into when I'm more rational], and it would be possible for me to get a professorship at one of the numerous colleges in Cleveland (and they have a lot!), but how do I balance my education with my family? Not to mention the fact that I'm going to be a mother soon and I have serious doubts that I will be a good parent.

All I want to do is cry. And all I want my husband to do is stop being lazy long enough to make me feel like I'm not doing this alone.

Edit: While all of this is going on, the so-called Christians of my family's church seem more interested in gossiping and telling my mother that she needs to learn to drive than in offering to give her a ride to church. The only consolation I have on that front is that this church full of gossip-y hypocrites (who will throw out, or drive out people, for being gay or not showing up to all of the meetings, but will allow people they like who have affairs with way too young people to stay) is going to self-destruct in 10 years. This is just all too much.

Monday, July 7, 2008

An Explanation for The Rationale Behind The Anti-Gay Marriage People

Due to the recent reports of the McDonald's Boycott from the American Family Association and the need to boycott Bolthouse Farms products (Thanks, David), I was reminded of a series of Candorville comic strips that seems to provide the only explanation for being anti-gay marriage.

(Since I don't have permisson to post the comics themselves, I will provide links that explain everything.)

Apparently, gay marriage will cause men to divorce their wives and marry their mailmen.

Seriously, people will go out of their way to prove that gay marriage will destroy other marriages by doing it themselves.

Sure, you can say that these people are gay because they seemed obsessed with gay marriage, but you'd be wrong.

They'll even try to convince you that they didn't enter into a gay marriage but the "happily married" part may not convince you.

But maybe it's time they threw in the towel on the whole issue. They won't, but it's an idea.

(Once I figure out how to trackback to Darrin Bell, I'll add that [I hope]).

Now that this series of strips clears everything up, here's a MadLib, I mean, MadCon to make it all better.

Stupidity: It's Not Just For Criminals Anymore

I've found several articles today with stupid criminals, stupid judgements, and stupid world leaders. Let's get started, shall we?

- I can't believe this happened again, but do not, I repeat do not send your pot via FedEx. It will be your luck that they will send your 200 pounds of pot to the wrong person, then go and arrest you when it's found. And you don't even get to smoke it.

- It makes me glad that people are stupid, because I'd be bored without them. A moron who uploaded a video of himself and his dad tasing each other with a stolen taser is going to prison after the girl he showed it to called the police. Kudos to the girl for turning the 22-year-old in for being an idiot.

- Here's yet another story about a guy calling 911 for non-emergencies who ended up getting arrested. If your friends are being annoying, don't call 911; either throw them out or call the local police number (I have my local number memorized, but 645-4545 is so easy to remember who couldn't recall it?).

- Won't somebody tell this idiot to shut up? Our beloved president shouted out "Yo Harper!" to the Canadian Prime Minister while attending the G8 Summit. There are some people you can't take anywhere, and he's one of them. [P.S. I feel icky for calling that "man" beloved.]

- Apparently, they're still mad at him: A guy ripped off the head of a wax Hitler at the wax museum. The museum promised to not glorify Hitler (still a sore subject in Germany, naturally) and showed him the way they think he looked before his suicide in 1945, but it still wasn't enough for the second visitor in the museum.

- I know I'm impatient, but damn! A first class passenger who was angry to see the economy boarders leave before him decided to leave through the emergency hatch. He was released on bail, but will face charges because it doesn't pay to be in a hurry.

- Stay out of Oniontown, indeed. Two teenagers were attacked by a group of young people for visiting Oniontown, a place that has been ridiculed in YouTube videos as being backwards and poor. The people there are telling visitors to stay away, and you don't have to tell me twice.

- Here's a story of a judge that got it right. A woman who felt that she was discriminated against by a retailer won a Five Thousand Pound judgment. She said that the retailer was nice to her over the phone but got really cold when she finally met her, and doubted her abilities despite 14 years in the fashion industry. The final verdict was that they felt that the woman hadn't proven 100% that she was discriminated against, but the former employer didn't offer a satisfactory explanation. Considering that when my uncle was sent to private school in the 1980s, he was in honors courses until the headmaster saw he was black and pulled him out of all of those classes [but he graduated high school at age 15, so go figure], I know how hurtful this can be to someone.

- Here's a story of a judge who got it wrong OR What the hell is the other 58%? A judge ruled that Pringles are not a potato snack and exempt from a huge tax as a result. They say that Pringles are only 42% potato, which frightens me as to what the rest of it is, but it's a windfall for Proctor & Gamble.

- Stand by your cat (with a tip of the hat to Tammy Wynette). A woman who went to trial in 2006 to keep from having to euthanize her cat has had the charges dropped against the feline. The owner kept the cat under house arrest for two years and it seems that the neighborhood is willing to let the cat live now that it doesn't terrorize the area.

- The best and the worst right here! Here's an article of honest-to-goodness traffic ticket excuses. I might have to use the "late for church" one to see if it will work, but I've never gotten a break on the two speeding tickets I've gotten [Yes, only two in my entire driving career], but it's worth a shot to try to sound crazy. That, or use the excuse from this Funky Winkerbean comic.

- These are being combined because I only just found them before finishing this entry. Starbucks is doing poorly, and people are relishing in the bad news and two idiots got arrested for growing cannabis in a cemetery.

- Saving the best for last, I think I found what I want for my anniversary. A couple in Portugal is continuing their area's tradition of fashioning ceramic penises. Dude, I so want a pitcher from these people.

Grab 'em, and grow everyone!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Jem is truly outrageous!

I see the need to post about this because it came up on David Dust's Shear Genius recaps but this show was part of my childhood. Jem was this really jacked up story about a girl named Jerrica who, along with her sister, were orphaned and left a mansion with a computer named Synergy, and an orphanage (I think). I know that Jerrica runs the orphanage, but forms a band (Jem and the Holograms) to raise money to keep the orphanage open. She disguises herself as Jem due to the machinations of Synergy (it's all in the earrings), which leads to some interesting situations.

Okay, so my memory is fuzzy on this show. I remember a hell of a lot of pink and geometric crap (thank you, '80s), and that Jerrica had a boyfriend named Rio who dated both her and Jem...and I remember him being a bit of a jerk who was too stupid to know they were the same person. Dummy.

This show resonated with me because I wanted to be a singer (still do), and so I dutifully memorized both theme songs for this show. Yes, someone thought that the first theme song (which was far more about the sophistication [ha!] of these characters and themes) was too mature and came up with some POS song with lines like "Me and my friends are Jem girls!" I hated that one, but I know it so what does that say about me?

I scrounged around YouTube to unearth some pastel-y goodness.

The first theme song:

The song that best defines the Jerrica-Rio-Jem relationship:

This is a compilation of some of the Jem and the Holograms songs:

And not one, but two of the Misfits (the main rival band led by a spoiled rich girl...kind of like Courtney Love but more likeable):

And, just for the hell of it, two of my favorite songs (Who is he kissing is #1):

Beat this, from when the black drummer left the band...but she came back and I think was put on a synthesizer (because this show was all about the multiculturalism).

Shangri-la (my favorite episode), because I apparently like the musical equivalent of drugs.

Keep in mind that, as a child of the 80s, many of my memories are wrapped up in shows like this. I loved this show, Rainbow Bright (I would do anything to get the music that came with that doll again), GI Joe, The Thundercats, The Smurfs, and Alvin and the Chipmunks to name a few. I may do a post on the Chipettes in the future.

I hope this exploration down the coke-filled hole of my childhood doesn't give you fits. I have to say I'm still a fan because the music still resonates in me.

Yes, I'm weird, but I like me that way.

This is just sad

There has been a lot in the news about a missing 12-year-old girl, and it has just come out that her body was found and that her uncle may be charged with her murder. Yes, this is the uncle who is the registered sex offender who took her to a store right before her disappearance. He claimed that she was going to visit a friend in the hospital, but initial investigative reports turned up that she was meeting someone from MySpace and had run off. Here's the thing though; it turns out the uncle set up the MySpace messages to make it appear as if she were meeting someone online, and he is accused of planting her clothing and a bag of semen (what?!?) to make it look like an abduction.

How fucking demented can you be that you would go to that much trouble to throw off the police from finding your niece that you happened to have killed because she wouldn't get involved in your child sex ring? This should sicken anyone, but it bothers the hell out of me because of how much effort went into this. It wasn't enough to try to victimize her, but you kill her and make some internet person the bad guy.

Part of this is my rage that this happened to anyone, and part of it is rage from the years I had to endure my aunt's [now] ex-husband's "doings", but I want the worst thing that could happen to him to occur in as many horrific ways as possible right now. Death would be too good for this guy. I want him to suffer.

I hope they put him under the jail if they can find enough evidence to convict him. Sick bastard.

The Best of OiNY

As should be well known by now, I am in love with Overheard in New York, so I try to post some of the best stuff I run across from time to time. A number of these were from Wednesday, which is when they do their one-liners, so I've tried to pick the funniest. A fair warning: Some of these get explicit, so if you are offended by the overuse of "dick" or by too much swearing, tread carefully.

Mommy and Our Piano Tuner, to Use a Hypothetical Example

Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased.
(daughter smiles)
Father: Do you know what "biased" means?
Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.

--F Train

via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
You Look Slightly Less Chubby in This Bridesmaid's Dress. How's That for Supportive?

College girl #1: Ugh, I can't believe I have to go to my uncle's wedding. It's his fucking third one!
College girl #2: His third one?
College girl #1: Yes! Why can't he just go to some deserted island and get married by himself?!
College girl #3: Well, you can't really get married by yourself.
College girl #1: Will you please just be supportive? You know what I mean.

--MetroNorth, Harlem Line

Overheard by: rpk

via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
The Threshold of Outrage Is a Lot Higher This Century

Girl: You'll never guess what I saw in the Delancey Street station today. I was about to sit down on the bench when I noticed that someone had drawn swastikas all over it with a marker.
Guy: That's distasteful.
Girl: Tell me about it. I'm sure people come across that and have their day completely ruined. Luckily, I was only slightly annoyed.

--G Train

Overheard by: greg*

via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
Why Pillbox Hats Are Making a Comeback
Preppy girl: I wonder why celebrities do so many drugs.
Queen: Honey, you can only buy so much couture.

--F Train
via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
Then Why Does It Have Blond Hair and a Tooth?
Girl #1: Look, yo! You got a tumor on your arm, a tumor!
Girl #2: That's not a tumor, it's a mosquito bite... like my tits!

--E Train

Overheard by: Jatmos
via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
Here's One of Us Frolicking on a Mountain of Coke
Guy: So you slept with her?!
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: You were supposed to be taking pictures of the drugs, not seducing her.

--Red Hook Boardwalk
via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
I Wanna Fuck You Like an Wednesday One-Liner
Ghetto chick to friend: Remember when you took that chinchilla from me, back in the day?

--Q Train

Overheard by: Chloe

Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.

--14th & 6th

Overheard by: bildita

Guy: ...and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.

--Metropolitian Musuem of Art

Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers

Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I'm getting sick of it.

--14th St & 1st Av

Overheard by: Larry

Thug: I'm like super pimp. I pimp men and women... And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.

--10th & Broadway

Composed chick on cell: He's a giraffe, and I'm a leopard, and I'm never gonna be a giraffe. I've tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I'm gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It's in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.

--Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008
Wednesday One-Liners Take the Sex and the City Tour
Tourist to doorman, in thick German accent: Excuse me, can you point me to the nearest Hooters?

--53rd St

Overheard by: jillcorp

Tourist taking a picture of her uncooperative teenage daughter: Shut up and pose, or I'm going to pee right on this yard.

--Central Park

Tourist about to take picture with lens cap on: Oh, shoot! Hold on, I have to take the lens cap off or else the picture is going to be really dark!

--Grand Central Terminal

Tourist girl: I don't get it, there's so many suits here, I thought Union Square would be full of hippies.

--City Hall Park

Tourist on cell: So far, I've experienced coldness and evil.

--57th & 8th

Overheard by: Lag

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008
See Wednesday One-Liners Run. Run, Wednesday One-Liners, Run
Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?

--5th Ave

Overheard by: John-Boy

Man to friend: Ya know I've touched both your dick and your brother's dick... and his is much bigger.

--44th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: bigstoopit

20-something guy: I've just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.

--1 Train

Overheard by: drew

Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter's dick in my mouth. I didn't see it, I don't even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it's not important!

--Greenwich Ave

Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I'd suck the Jolly Green Giant's dick, I don't care if it did break my jaw.

--MacDougal St

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Grow on Trees
Crazy guy: Look at you people. All y'all paying eighteen, nineteen hundred dollars rent. I pay two dollars rent! And I get a free transfer!

--Uptown A Train

Overheard by: Heather

Smoking girl: I'm just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I'm just *not*.

--Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah.

--Union Square Park

Overheard by: Farley

Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit... I hate you... But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young.

--Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th

Overheard by: Ross

Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn't used tokens in over seven years! And that ain't even a token... It's a one collar coin!

--Subway, Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me

50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don't worry, I didn't forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away)

--Metro-North Train

Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass!

--168 & Broadway

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008

My favorite has to be the last one, because I can actually see myself saying that to a child one day. Others that I really liked were the giraffe/leopard analogy and "two dollar rent". Tip of the hat for the first one for giving me a new way to describe myself. I may be a latent biased-sexual! I still say I'm victory challenged, so whatever. Enjoy your day.