Thursday, July 3, 2008

News! Morons! Hilarity Ensues!

Okay, so I can't guarantee the last part (because that implies that I remember what all of these articles said and I usually don't), but after a day off to recuperate (more or less), I'm back to post again. I want to keep these brief for readability and because I really need to get more work done than I've accomplished lately. My boss would happen to be in the office today, and I can hear him talking to other I'm paranoid that he's going to catch me not working and that I'll be too stupid to not be honest about it. Here goes.

- It's time for another lesson for stupid criminals [why do I bother?]: If you are going to rob someone, don't sell their belongings in a yard sale down the street from them.

- Another reason why being a robber isn't what it's cracked up to be: I would be embarrassed if I managed to steal an ATM, but couldn't get the money out and had to abandon it. What would make you think that these things would be easy to crack? Oh, that's right; stupid criminals don't think. My bad.

- The quickest way to not get your dog back is to steal the new owner's cat and hold it ransom for your dog. Sorry, you lose on this one.

- I didn't know this many people thought so highly of themselves: To keep up with the spirit of selling yourself legally (the illegal is coming up next), a New Zealand man is selling his soul on an auction site. Why do people think things that happen on The Simpsons are emulateable?

- Speaking of "illegal" selling of self, a Kentucky woman has been arrested for trading sex for gasoline. The killer in this story is that she's also being charged with "doing business without an occupational license," as if she could actually get a license to prostitute to avoid this charge. I know that times are tough, but damn.

- At least he was wearing something: A man was chasing some burglars out of his home (with a shotgun) when he realized that he was just in his boxer shorts. I wish there had pictures. :-)

- I get the kid's point of view, but what's the deal with the mother? A boy has been busted for stealing a police cruiser twice because he has an interest in law enforcement (good luck with that, kid). But what gets me is that his mother knew about both incidents and didn't see a problem with a 13-year-old stealing a police car. The po-po didn't even know about the first theft. Fortunately, the mother is also up on charges for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, also known as the being-a-dumbass charge.

To close this out, I'm including this week's Tom Tomorrow cartoon "William Kristol is the Shameless Supervillain: The Propagandist"

Edit: I just stumbled upon this little gem while looking up some district in Cyprus (my job is so much fun), so "please to enjoy" [with a nod to Joel McHale of The Soup], a news story from The Onion:

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

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