News, Intermittently

I was able to get my sister on her Greyhound bus back home without too much trouble. Apparently, she needs to learn how to read a map (and she might also need to get a compass) because she kept getting lost on campus. Now I know the campus is huge, but when you're supposed to be going to a building in the middle of campus and you walk the perimiter three times, it's time to stop and ask for directions. I'm just glad her mother called her while she was aimlessly walking about. When her mother asked her "Didn't they give you a map?" she replied with a gasp (not kidding) "Oh, so that's what that is." I love her, but that's just funny (and sad, and funny).

I haven't been feeling well lately, so my posts have begun to become less regular. I'm not sure when (or if) that will change anytime soon, so that's just the notice for everyone just in case people wonder why I'm not posting as often.

And before I begin my news posts, I have to 'fess up to something really embarrassing. I was sitting here starting this post when I saw this really big beetle/fly thing on my purse. I'm usually only squeamish around spiders (but that's because poisonous ones can get you), but because I didn't know what the hell it was, I kicked the chair the bag is on away from me and asked my cubicle-neighbor (and fellow intern) to help me with it. What I said was, "This may be the most bizarre request that you'll ever get, but I've got a bug on my bag and I'm freaking out about it." He collected it in a cup and went outside to free it in the grass. My guess is that this pregnancy has me on edge, but that bug got lucky; if I hadn't been afraid of it, I would've just killed it.

Anyway, on with the news. I'm including stories I read yesterday, so this will be longer than the usual fare.

- Here's one for all you drinkers out there who want to thwart the breathalyser test: White-out doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that crap can't taste all that good, either (but it can give you a wicked high if a crazy girl borrows it, colors a picture with the product over a 90 minute period and you're sitting downwind).

- Speaking of drunkards, how did this guy not die? A man blew a .491 on the breathalyser test. To give you perspective, a .5 is fatal, so how he managed to not keel over is beyond me.

- Torturing people with their allergies is not cool, but apparently this lady didn't get the memo. A woman tried to cram a peanut in her neighbor's mouth and taunted the woman with more threats of the peanutty kind. And she also vandalized her car, so this woman was not only being creative, she was mixing it in with run-of-the-mill stupidity.

- I want this guy's neighbors: A robber was trussed and presented to police after a man came home to a home invasion in progress. The other suspects got away, but the one man was hog-tied by neighbors armed with duct tape. Forget State Farm, these are the good neighbors I want.

- I wonder how this conversation went? "Hey lady, you forgot your daughter!" A woman was robbing a store and when she took off, she left her six-year-old behind. The husband was "genuinely surprised" to find out that his wife had left their daughter behind. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't surprised by this.

- This one goes in the "D'oh!" files: A man was caught after writing the bank robbery notes on the back of his personal checks. What kills me is this dink did this more than once!

- How do you know crime doesn't pay? When you're held on $500 bond for stealing 42 cents from a fountain.

- When does fraud not pay? When you try to get both a Home Depot and a restaurant to pay for your torn designer jeans and get busted for grand theft. Dude, if I had $1,500, I can assure you I wouldn't have spent it on a pair of jeans.

- I can't blame the police for this one: Police in England have taken to posting bogus emergency calls on YouTube in the hopes that people will stop calling with non-emergencies. I am sure they want to stop having conversations that end with such gems as "No, sir, it's not an emergency if your wife didn't leave you a meal. May we suggest you make yourself a sandwich before we come to arrest you for tying up emergency services?"

- Score one for the civilians: A police officer has to pay a fine for illegaly parking outside of a sushi restaurant. He claimed that he had the right to park there for emergency purposes, but stopping for sushi is not an emergency. And while Portland, Oregon officials will be asking for rule changes to allow officers to park illegally when going in for food or bathroom breaks, the lawyer who busted this guy feels he won one for the non-badge wearers out there.

- Leave bug killing to the pros, okay? A guy in New Jersey blew up his apartment while using bug spray. It ignited and destroyed 80% of his apartment. Bugs 1, New Jersey Man 0.

- How does one wrap their mind around a story like this? A maintenance man who was making $100,000 a year (how?) was living in an old paint shed rent free for three years. He was on the grounds of the psychiatric center that he worked for, and even had mail delivered there. He's being charged $2,500 for the time he lived there (nobody knew about it until the inspector showed up), but here's the kicker: He's now living with his wife(!) in a home three miles away. So apparently they like to have people working at psychiatric centers who should also be patients. That, and how do I get a $100,000 job doing maintenance?

- The mayor of Belmar, New Jersey, apparently doesn't want tourists to come to town anymore after making fun of Staten Island girls and talking about "guidos" who come to visit. When you thrive on tourist dollars, slamming your bread and butter in a newsletter is a banner idea.

- Hey lesbians! A court has ruled that you can call yourselves lesbians after all as the "did not define the identity of the residents of the island" and could be safely used by all of the Sapphic sisters of the world.

- For the crazy sister of mine that I'm not talking to, be careful during your Wiccan ceremony that you don't stab yourself in the foot with a ceremonial sword.

- Watch out in France, nudists, because the nudist colonies have the right to black list people.

- I was on the side of the doctor until I re-read this today: A woman is suing her orthopedic surgeon for placing a temporary tattoo on her abdomen while she was unconscious. He says he does this to make the patients feel better, and I was going to agree with that and tell her to lighten up until I realized that he's an orthopedic surgeon and shouldn't be anywhere near her abdomen.

- A rabbit resuced a family from a fire, proving that rabbits can be heroes too.

- And, finally, a judge has decided that there are some names that are too bizarre to be legal. A New Zealand judge ordered an eight-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name can be legally changed to something other than Talula Does The Hula (really). Some of the other banned names have been Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. And while others, like Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence have been given the green light, I'm glad that there is somebody finally telling parents to "please think of the children" (Mrs. Lovejoy of the Simpsons) when coming up with these dumbass names. Now if only they could send this guy out to Hollywood...

I cap this off with an Agnes comic strip where she is still trying to "normalize herself". I've given up on that and have chosen instead to embrace my insanity and put it to good use. Eventually.