Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Best of OiNY

As should be well known by now, I am in love with Overheard in New York, so I try to post some of the best stuff I run across from time to time. A number of these were from Wednesday, which is when they do their one-liners, so I've tried to pick the funniest. A fair warning: Some of these get explicit, so if you are offended by the overuse of "dick" or by too much swearing, tread carefully.

Mommy and Our Piano Tuner, to Use a Hypothetical Example

Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased.
(daughter smiles)
Father: Do you know what "biased" means?
Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.

--F Train

via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
You Look Slightly Less Chubby in This Bridesmaid's Dress. How's That for Supportive?

College girl #1: Ugh, I can't believe I have to go to my uncle's wedding. It's his fucking third one!
College girl #2: His third one?
College girl #1: Yes! Why can't he just go to some deserted island and get married by himself?!
College girl #3: Well, you can't really get married by yourself.
College girl #1: Will you please just be supportive? You know what I mean.

--MetroNorth, Harlem Line

Overheard by: rpk

via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
The Threshold of Outrage Is a Lot Higher This Century

Girl: You'll never guess what I saw in the Delancey Street station today. I was about to sit down on the bench when I noticed that someone had drawn swastikas all over it with a marker.
Guy: That's distasteful.
Girl: Tell me about it. I'm sure people come across that and have their day completely ruined. Luckily, I was only slightly annoyed.

--G Train

Overheard by: greg*

via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
Why Pillbox Hats Are Making a Comeback
Preppy girl: I wonder why celebrities do so many drugs.
Queen: Honey, you can only buy so much couture.

--F Train
via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
Then Why Does It Have Blond Hair and a Tooth?
Girl #1: Look, yo! You got a tumor on your arm, a tumor!
Girl #2: That's not a tumor, it's a mosquito bite... like my tits!

--E Train

Overheard by: Jatmos
via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
Here's One of Us Frolicking on a Mountain of Coke
Guy: So you slept with her?!
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: You were supposed to be taking pictures of the drugs, not seducing her.

--Red Hook Boardwalk
via Overheard in New York, Jul 3, 2008
I Wanna Fuck You Like an Wednesday One-Liner
Ghetto chick to friend: Remember when you took that chinchilla from me, back in the day?

--Q Train

Overheard by: Chloe

Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.

--14th & 6th

Overheard by: bildita

Guy: ...and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.

--Metropolitian Musuem of Art

Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers

Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I'm getting sick of it.

--14th St & 1st Av

Overheard by: Larry

Thug: I'm like super pimp. I pimp men and women... And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.

--10th & Broadway

Composed chick on cell: He's a giraffe, and I'm a leopard, and I'm never gonna be a giraffe. I've tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I'm gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It's in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.

--Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008
Wednesday One-Liners Take the Sex and the City Tour
Tourist to doorman, in thick German accent: Excuse me, can you point me to the nearest Hooters?

--53rd St

Overheard by: jillcorp

Tourist taking a picture of her uncooperative teenage daughter: Shut up and pose, or I'm going to pee right on this yard.

--Central Park

Tourist about to take picture with lens cap on: Oh, shoot! Hold on, I have to take the lens cap off or else the picture is going to be really dark!

--Grand Central Terminal

Tourist girl: I don't get it, there's so many suits here, I thought Union Square would be full of hippies.

--City Hall Park

Tourist on cell: So far, I've experienced coldness and evil.

--57th & 8th

Overheard by: Lag

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008
See Wednesday One-Liners Run. Run, Wednesday One-Liners, Run
Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?

--5th Ave

Overheard by: John-Boy

Man to friend: Ya know I've touched both your dick and your brother's dick... and his is much bigger.

--44th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: bigstoopit

20-something guy: I've just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.

--1 Train

Overheard by: drew

Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter's dick in my mouth. I didn't see it, I don't even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it's not important!

--Greenwich Ave

Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I'd suck the Jolly Green Giant's dick, I don't care if it did break my jaw.

--MacDougal St

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Grow on Trees
Crazy guy: Look at you people. All y'all paying eighteen, nineteen hundred dollars rent. I pay two dollars rent! And I get a free transfer!

--Uptown A Train

Overheard by: Heather

Smoking girl: I'm just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I'm just *not*.

--Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah.

--Union Square Park

Overheard by: Farley

Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit... I hate you... But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young.

--Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th

Overheard by: Ross

Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn't used tokens in over seven years! And that ain't even a token... It's a one collar coin!

--Subway, Spring & Lafayette

Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me

50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don't worry, I didn't forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away)

--Metro-North Train

Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass!

--168 & Broadway

via Overheard in New York, Jul 2, 2008

My favorite has to be the last one, because I can actually see myself saying that to a child one day. Others that I really liked were the giraffe/leopard analogy and "two dollar rent". Tip of the hat for the first one for giving me a new way to describe myself. I may be a latent biased-sexual! I still say I'm victory challenged, so whatever. Enjoy your day.

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