Thursday, February 28, 2008

14 Weeks

I had another appointment with my doctor today (Wednesday) and I decided that my husband was going to go with me this time because it would be our first time hearing the baby's heartbeat. This whole experience is still unreal to me; I feel like crap alot, and I happen to be one of the unlucky ones whose asthma gets worse throughout the pregnancy, but this is just something that I...well, I can't really describe how I feel about this. Even though I don't seem like it, I actually am really happy that I'm finally going to be a mother, but this also scares the crap out of me! I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Am I going to be a good mother? How will I handle things when he or she gets sick? I'm an emetophobe, so I'm probably going to need some help in conquering this problem or I'll be a complete mess the first time the child spits up. How will I be able to raise a child and go to school? Funny, that's the one thing I'm not too worried about. I know that I'll just go and do what needs to be done and not let anything get in the way. It also helps that I got into a department that has a number of grad students who are also parents, some who are even single parents (of whom I will be in awe), so I don't feel as if I'm not the only person who is crazy/stupid enough to do this.

One of the things that is going to help is that someone will always be home. I will work and take classes in the daytime, and my husband works nights. I'm not a person who gets a lot of sleep (allowing me to study and attend to the baby at night), although this pregnancy has changed that. I'm always tired; that should've been my first sign back in December, but I was just of the opinion that I wasn't pregnant and that I was just skipping again. I don't like being tired all the time. As it is, I need to go to bed, but I've still got to get some work in on my group's grant proposal and finish a book for class [Fat chance of that happening]. Dishes need to be done, I need to make a lunch...and my brain is shutting down.

I'll be honest; this whole thing is terrifying to me. While my husband is happily telling all and sundry about the baby, I'm developing anxiety and feeling a little alone. I am going to stop writing because I'm getting too tired to think straight.

I can't believe I heard the heartbeat today. That was something special.

Friday, February 22, 2008

2008: A Year I'll Never Forget

I've been offline since my grandmother's passing last month, and a lot has happened in the interim. As this has already turned out to be a banner year for me, I'm going to give you (read: the one or two people who might still read this) a breakdown of what's going on.

This is the year I am turning 30, meaning that I will have to change all of my blogs to stop saying that I'm in my late 20s, but it also means that I've got to hit my watershed year with style.

So far:
- My grandmother died unexpectedly on January 6th within hours of being admitted to the hospital.
- I found out that I was pregnant six days later. My grandmother really wanted to be a great-grandmother, so I had some mixed feelings about the pregnancy.
- I was informed by my professor that I was accepted into the Comparative Studies program for graduate school. I'm "auditing" the class and he told me "congratulations" as I entered the room. I said, with the dumbest look on my face, "for what?" and almost fell over in the middle of the room when I found out the good news. I'm still waiting to hear from the English department, but since I got into my first choice department, I'm very happy.
- I'm also in a mini-feud with some of the members of my family [In particular, my father, my step-mother, and two of my half-siblings] because my father stole my older brother's money over the course of two years and then moved to a new apartment which resulted in my brother being put out into the street. My "sister" allowed my brother to stay with her in her two-bedroom condo, but only for one night with her and her little brother "lecturing" him on how he should've saved his money to be able to afford his own place. My step-mother got into my father's head and convinced him that my brother was not being a real man even though he works very hard, pays child support for his son [something my father never did for me] and only brought home $300 bi-weekly, which my father would take for himself. Needless to say, my internet readers are finding out about my good news before they will.

See how my life is always interesting?

It makes me think of something that happened when I was a kid: There was a summer when I had absolutely nothing to do. My grandmother wasn't able to bring home a PC for the summer because the computers had gotten too old, so I ran around saying I was bored all summer. She promised me that I would never be bored again and made sure that I was signed up in programs and kept busy all the way through high school. I feel that the way things have turned out that her promise is still holding true.

But, to quote my 5-year-old cousin, "Heaven's had her long enough, I want her back."

I'm hoping to do more blogging as the quarter winds down. I'm writing the grant proposal for my group as we are trying to get a grant for The Dowd Center, a place for homeless children and families that does excellent work in helping students in all aspects of life, so that's going to keep me occupied until Wednesday. I'm also (most likely) writing our paper for the final project, so I've got a lot of work to do this weekend. My pregnancy keeps me under the weather; I don't get morning sickness (due to genetics and emetophobia) but I catch everything else and stay sick for a week at a time. I almost missed my Valentine's Day dinner because I couldn't eat solid foods for the better part of a week. And I have work that I need to get done, but still suffer from an inability to focus for more than 2 minutes on any one task.

It may seem like a lot, but I wanted to get some things off my chest before I log off. My baby is supposedly due August 28th, and I would start grad school a month after that.

Oh yeah, I'm still going to go to school. I'm not going to be stopped; I just have to adapt.

I hope my reader(s) fill clued in, and I hope to continue at some point.

Stay safe and warm, everyone.