News Delayed...I'm Having A Bladder...Banner Day

I have some interesting news items to post, but I may not get them up until later because I want to go home (I got to work close to on-time today!) and my child has decided to spend the whole day making me race to the bathroom. How fun.

I'm a punching bag (not in a bad way)

I haven't really talked much about my pregnancy lately, which is surprising since this child is determined to make sure I know when he or she is awake by kicking me like a one-person kung-fu movie. I'm about 28 weeks along (thanks, BabyCenter for letting me know), and I'm only just starting to look pregnant and not just fat. It's becoming more obvious as I've had to switch out my normal clothes for maternity outfits that have to be purchased online (because it would be just silly for a local Lane Bryant to actually have this stuff in stock), but I'm keeping up my current level of sophisticated dress just the same.

The only thing I am really griping about is just how exhausted I am. I've never been a fan of sleep, but after a second trimester of almost normal levels of tiredness, I'm back to passing out nearly every time I sit. And that applies to everywhere except in the car. I can usually make it home before I feel it. I still don't get enough sleep and now I don't even get to work until noon, which sucks because it means I have to stay until 5 to work a full shift. I'm a part-timer in the most laid-back department of my company. This can be a good thing for most people, but since I suspect that I may have ADD, this is a bad thing because it's hard to stay focused on my project when I don't have a myriad of other things going on at the same time (I can only work at my best if I have a lot to do, and deadlines just help it along). I wish I could stay on track, but then I get into my RSS feeds, then I want to post, and it snowballs.

Anyway, I'm just saying I'm tired. I guess you can call that a complaint. I hate complaining.

At least I haven't fallen asleep at work lately. I have used the nap room once, but I ended up sitting there in the dark trying to unwind from being really stressed about something.

I've got my second ultrasound tomorrow. I still don't want to know the gender (because it's making everyone around us crazy, which is funny to me), but they want to make sure there are no problems. This also means that I probably won't post about the news tomorrow (I honestly don't know how long I can keep up the pace; maybe I'll be able to trim it to fewer posts soon). Wish us luck!

Now Showing...

My guess is that I am now five months along, but yesterday was the first time someone noticed that I'm pregnant. My husband and I went out for ice cream and we ended up at United Dairy Farmers (UDF) where my desire for peanut butter and fudge was finally fulfilled. One of the employees came on shift while another was making my sundae, and she pointed to my lower abdomen with a smile while I was in line to pay for my purchase. I looked down for a second (because I wasn't sure if she was pointing at my Hello Kitty mp3 holder) and I realized by her smile what she meant, so I said "yeah, I am." She asked me how far along I was, and I had to turn to my husband because I really didn't know, so we told her our due date (9/6) and she at first thought we had said November 6th, because she said "hold out for three more days." Apparently, her birthday is November 9th, so she was playfully hoping we'd have our child on her birthday.

I told a third co-worker the good news yesterday as well. It came out by accident [I was telling her about an anime convention because her daughter is into anime and when she asked me when it was, I said "I think it's in August. Oh, wait, I may not be going if it's in August" and she asked "What will you be doing in August" and I said "Having a baby is what I'll be doing."] but I figure people around the office will start to figure it out. I've just not wanted to talk to people about stuff like this because I'm a far more private person that I realized.

I think the reason why I've gone so long without looking like I was pregnant is because I think people thought I was just getting fatter. My stomach has gotten bigger because things moved up to make room, but it did kind of look like I was putting on weight when it was just being repositioned. I've gained very little weight during this pregnancy (I lost 4 lbs in February, and I've gained 1-2 lbs a month since), and I'm trying not to let it get out of control since I weigh so much already. I was never sloppy fat, but I carry a lot more weight than people think because it's rather compact. Hopefully I will get some exercise in today, because I feel like getting outside and talking a walk.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to get around to blogging about this, but I was on the phone with my mother for over six hours on Sunday and I learned so much about her and about family, her friends, and how nasty people at church have really become [To be honest, these people were always nasty, but they no longer endeavor to hide it anymore]. I even learned about my father's mother (I was the only grandchild she had that she never met because I was too busy in the summer to travel down south to see her) and I now know that I inherited my strength from both of my grandmothers. My mother was fired up that night and she had a lot to say. She's the kind of person who scares you when she gets angry because it takes a lot to push her to that point. People know what I'm like when angry because my flashpoint is a lot lower than the average person, but my mom is scary because you don't know what she's capable of and you don't want to know. I always talk about how much I want to be like my grandmother, but my mom's not a bad person to admire either.

I just wish I could feel better. I was having a coughing fit while in the bathroom not too long ago and coughed up a lot of fluid from my lungs. I wasn't prepared for it, so some of it ended up on my shirt, which was embarrassing since it was a work bathroom and every woman on the fourth floor seemed to be in there at the same time, but I was able to get it out. I hope I don't have another one of those fits today.

It's kind of weird to have strangers notice that I'm pregnant. It makes me feel like a walking movie ad. Now showing in a woman near you.

Self-Doubt is Rising Again

This will be brief, because it's just an emotional response to absolutely nothing in particular (damn hormones!) and I want to go home soon.

I met the professors and fellow students in the Comparative Studies department yesterday and actually felt at home, for once, amongst them. I still don't want to teach, but since I have a year before I have to deal with that again, I may get over that. I'm starting to doubt my ability to pull off being in school (15 credit hours a quarter, a mandatory amount based on the fellowship) and being a mother. I'd have these anxieties if I was was going to be a stay-at-home mother because I have serious, serious doubts about my parenting abilities.

Am I making a mistake? What if I'm a terrible mother? What if I don't do enough? What if my depression comes back worse than it's been in awhile? I'm honestly surprised that it hasn't really surfaced that often since getting pregnant, so I'm paranoid that I'm just going to shut-down once the baby's born.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm my own worst enemy and have been so for many years. How do women do this? How am I going to do this? And the one mainstay that I would usually rely on (in this case, God) I'm still kind of pissed off with right now, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to have to hash out my feelings with God soon so that I can deal with everything else soon.

Blood Pressure

I had another appointment yesterday with my doctor and she said that my blood pressure was a little high. It's not in a danger zone yet, but it's borderline and will be watched closely. I'm worried because we really don't have high blood pressure as a family trait (that I know of) and I want to do whatever it takes to get it down, so I told my uncle my concerns and he recommended that I eat banannas and cut down on my sodium. Fortunately, I'm not a big salt person, so eating more home-cooked meals will help to keep that down, but I hate bananas. I'm willing to eat them because getting my blood pressure down is much more important than my dislike of a fruit.

The Singing Angels, the organization I was involved with for six years, called my family's home two weeks ago to get an alumni update, so I finally called them today to tell them what I was up to. Charles Eversole, the current music director, said that he anticipates seeing an auditioner in 8 years if we're back in the Cleveland area (because, after all, every child is a potential Singing Angel). While I laughed when he said that, I know that I'd only do it if my child really wanted to join; their fees have gotten expensive (currently $200/semester for one child) and I remember all the times my poor grandmother had to drive me all over Northern Ohio for various concerts. I may go to Spring Concert (their big spring show) this year because it is dedicated to Mrs. Kurtz who, apparently, still does the calls for small group concerts [something I remember all too well]. I'm definitely going to make plans to go to the big show next year because it will be the organization's 45th anniversary. It's nice to know that I hadn't been forgotten; I was given what I perceived to be a slight when Mr. Boehm [the founder] retired several years ago because my two girlfriends who had quit before graduating were invited to his retirement party while I, who had actually graduated with the group, was not. Considering that they had to use a phone bank at a hospital to do a phone-a-thon of all their alumni, all is forgiven.

Tomorrow's the big day: I'm going to get to see what it's like to be in the Comparative Studies department for the first time, and I'm looking forward to attending. My concern is that my health (mostly intestinal) will hold up so that I can do the whole thing. There's a dinner at someone's house and there is a dance afterwards that I really want to go to because, lets face it, I love to dance. I won't overdo it; I just want to go out and have a good time. But I can't be out too late because I'm coming in to work on Saturday to try to make up some hours so that my paycheck will be a little more robust than it has been for the past two months. That, and I've been so exhausted lately that I can't stay awake past midnight.

Also, I'm having my ultrasound in two weeks. The heartbeat was very strong yesterday so I'm looking forward to what should finally cement this in my mind as a reality.

I'm getting a little dizzy...

While I'm still trying to get my head around this whole pregnancy thing, the academic front is heating up. I got an e-mail from my advisor informing me that I was awarded a fellowship for my first year of graduate school! Now, imagine my surprise when I found out that I got something I didn't even bother to apply for because it required a high GPA that I knew I did not have.

What this fellowship means is that I do not have to worry about working for my first year (which is exceedingly helpful considering the circumstances), and I will only lose about $1,000 off of my current income. And that would only be if I had worked my 20 hours every week, which I haven't been doing for the past three months, so the income will be comparable. The way I see it, I need to work even harder in school to prove to everyone that I deserved this fellowship and that I deserve to be in school. It's a national Graduate Enrichment Fellowship, so I'm very honored that I earned this, and I know my advisor had a lot to do with this as he's been my biggest champion in the department since our first meeting last June.

Fortunately, he's not the only person in my corner. I told my mom about the fellowship and I mentioned that these things were for smart people, "so I don't know how I got one" and she told me that she always thought I was smart. She then told me that she always believed in me and that she was proud. All of her siblings [her dad, like mine, had kids in other marriages] are knocked out by the fact that I'm going for a PhD, and my grandmother almost lived to see me get one. A dear friend of the family who was only 55 passed away recently and, apparently, she was proud of me, too; I think she might have been more excited than anyone else when I got my first degree, so a lot of people are rooting for me (but nobody bothers to tell me these things until it's too late to thank them). And then there's my husband who gave me the most support as I was contemplating this insane endeavor, so I've had a lot of people for me and I don't know anyone against me (nor would I care at this point).

It's a little overwhelming to think about all this right now, but I am going to jump on accepting this fellowship before the deadline passes in April.

And, in other news, I have a headache. It's not very important nor does it fit the rest of the narrative, but it might explain why this post doesn't make 100 percent sense. I'll get off work soon, pick up my medicine and library book, and get off my feet for awhile.

And for the ladies who have been through this whole pregnancy thing before: do you have any recommendations for maternity clothing options? Other than shopping online for clothes, I'm stuck for what I can do right now. I'm right at that point where things are starting to not fit anymore, but I'm not large enough for maternity items (and I'm a plus-sized, tall woman). I think my biggest concern is for shoes; I'm already a 12w and I don't know what I can do if my feet get bigger. Any and all advise is welcome, appreciated, and sought with great interest!

14 Weeks

I had another appointment with my doctor today (Wednesday) and I decided that my husband was going to go with me this time because it would be our first time hearing the baby's heartbeat. This whole experience is still unreal to me; I feel like crap alot, and I happen to be one of the unlucky ones whose asthma gets worse throughout the pregnancy, but this is just something that I...well, I can't really describe how I feel about this. Even though I don't seem like it, I actually am really happy that I'm finally going to be a mother, but this also scares the crap out of me! I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Am I going to be a good mother? How will I handle things when he or she gets sick? I'm an emetophobe, so I'm probably going to need some help in conquering this problem or I'll be a complete mess the first time the child spits up. How will I be able to raise a child and go to school? Funny, that's the one thing I'm not too worried about. I know that I'll just go and do what needs to be done and not let anything get in the way. It also helps that I got into a department that has a number of grad students who are also parents, some who are even single parents (of whom I will be in awe), so I don't feel as if I'm not the only person who is crazy/stupid enough to do this.

One of the things that is going to help is that someone will always be home. I will work and take classes in the daytime, and my husband works nights. I'm not a person who gets a lot of sleep (allowing me to study and attend to the baby at night), although this pregnancy has changed that. I'm always tired; that should've been my first sign back in December, but I was just of the opinion that I wasn't pregnant and that I was just skipping again. I don't like being tired all the time. As it is, I need to go to bed, but I've still got to get some work in on my group's grant proposal and finish a book for class [Fat chance of that happening]. Dishes need to be done, I need to make a lunch...and my brain is shutting down.

I'll be honest; this whole thing is terrifying to me. While my husband is happily telling all and sundry about the baby, I'm developing anxiety and feeling a little alone. I am going to stop writing because I'm getting too tired to think straight.

I can't believe I heard the heartbeat today. That was something special.

Pressure

My grandmother found a different tack to use on me in the Pressure-to-Have-a-Baby-2007 campaign: giving a child to one who has been adopted.

That probably didn't make any sense, but it will soon, I promise.

My husband was adopted when he was eight-days-old; his parents arranged the adoption before he was born and after having their first attempt at adoption fail when the mother changed her mind, they made sure to drive right on down to Cincinnati to get him as soon as possible. He and his younger brother were both adopted from teen mothers, but he's always been comfortable with that (as far as I can tell), but it gave my grandmother the [not completely unjustified] notion that he deserves to "have one of his own"; to be able to have a child that is completely his. It's not that I don't want to give him a child, it's just that the body isn't exactly in a cooperating mood of late. It's just that, when my grandmother says it, it feels as if I have more pressure to 'deliver the goods', leaving me feeling as if I'm a complete failure as a woman because I can't (and may not ever) give him a child of his own.

He's willing to adopt if we can't have children. He's the one who brought it up, but he did express really wanting children of his own so I know how much this really means to him. I want to do this, but we need to find out what the problem is so that it can either be resolved or accepted, which would allow us to move forward and do whatever it is we need to do to have a family to raise.

Until more is done to get to the bottom of this, I'm not going to stress myself out about it. I have the GRE to prepare for, and more people to meet in putting together this graduate school endeavor, so I'm trying to take it all in stride and not make myself miserable.

At least, not yet anyway.

Oh well, back to work.

Maybe she's been reading "Lacerations For the Soul"

I had an utterly demoralizing conversation with my grandmother on Sunday, which amounted to her saying that children are "blessings" and that "if you do good things, God will bestow blessings on you"; implying that I'll have children if I do good things.

She essentially said that I've not had children because I'm a bad person. Well, what she said was that I needed to do good things to be rewarded with children, but it still feels as if she was saying that there's something wrong with me.

My husband told one of his friends what she said, and the friend asked if she was being mean on purpose, or if she was unaware of what she was doing. She knew what she was saying, and I know this because she said it twice. The first time she mentioned "blessings", she didn't come out and say that she meant children, but I fugured that that was what she was talking about. She made it painfully clear when she started by telling me that I need to have children before I turn 30, and telling me that I didn't want to be like Nancy Grace, who is having twins at 46 [Okay, so I may not like Ms. Grace (and she may have driven one interviewee to suicide), but to compare me to her? That hurts]. And then she defined "blessings", and left me holding a phone that I wanted to throw through the glass doors of our new t.v. stand.

I called my husband, who called me back an hour later where I was more coherent but not any less upset than I was when I first called. No wonder I got sick the next day.

I know that children are a blessing. I've never disputed that. I also know that I have been trying to conceive for more than two years, so I don't like having these conversations where I feel she thinks I'm doing this on purpose. Do you really think I would intentionally not have children and then proceed to tell her that I am trying? Do I look like a pain slut? [Answer: no (I know some S&M people, so I do not mean to offend)]

Maybe I'm being too sensitive. I don't know what to think anymore.

I do know this: One's spirit can feel wounds, and I can almost feel the blood flowing from my lacerations. This is not something I need right now.