Wow. I need to spruce up the place...

Hi everyone,

I am in the midst of working on my candidacy exams, so my posts will again be few and far between (I'm reeeeeaaaaly sorry!), but I wanted to just drop a line and let people know what's going on these days.

I have most of my committee together at this point (3 of 4 people needed) and I am working on my reading list (which is what I should be doing right this minute). The first semester at my University ends tomorrow, but I finished my teaching duties today. I had a great group of students, and I hope that they all got something out of the class. Teaching is no longer the nightmare it once was, but it takes time away from my work, so the balance is very tough. I also did a paper at a conference that was held in town (and I think it was my best presentation to date), and someone approached me about publishing it, but I think I waited too long and I may have missed my opportunity. I will get in touch with them this week because it's worth a shot. I have to stop being afraid of things and move forward, so wish me luck in this and all my other endeavors.

I also applied to the PCA/ACA conference in Washington DC this coming year, and was floored when the paper was accepted within 30 minutes. Normally, this would be a happy occasion, but with my exams, it's just extra work. So, I'm going to write the paper over winter break [It's time to break out the Kristeva] so that I'm not worrying about it in March when the conference takes place.

My little girl is now in preschool!

The first two images are from her first day of school, and the third was the end of the day after the first day of school. I can't believe she's so big at only four years old. My uncle tells me all the time that she looks like my mom, and that makes me happy. It still hurts that my mom and grandma are gone (and that the world turned to shit after their deaths), but I get up and move forward everyday because that's what I have to do. I have to finish this degree for my daughter. I just have to believe that I can do this.

Well, I have to get back to work. If I can, I'll post more. If I ever find the spare time, I need to update the page because there are some digital cobwebs that needs to be cleared. I may also post some other things from time to time (i.e. reviews, manga discussions, etc.), so just know that I miss you all and hope that everything is well for you. And for those of you on the East Coast, you have been in my thoughts and prayers ever since Superstorm Sandy, so keep you head up and know that I am hoping for the best for all of you.

Take care, everyone.

Unexpected Lessons

Hi everyone.

It's been awhile, and I wish I had something more happy to post, but my mother passed away on Tuesday, and I've been dealing with the loss. I've also learned a great deal during this time, and I think I'm going to write about that for awhile.

For anyone who remembers the saga with Aunt Crayzee, you'll recall that she turned her back on my mom and uncle and managed to poison the waters so that almost nobody wanted to help them. Well, that contributed greatly to my mother's death. She died while my uncle was away, and he says the last thing she said to him was "Nobody ever stops by". She felt so abandoned and alone and was severely depressed towards the end, and when people would come by, they would be nasty, hurtful, and not willing to offer the least bit of help. She apparently wrote a letter to someone right before Thanksgiving asking for food because they were starving, and in it she wrote that she wanted them to be able to have a little bit of fun. She never asked for much in life, and towards the end she couldn't even get that. I came to see them as often as I could, and I would buy groceries and give them money. It wasn't enough. Now we get all these people coming out of the woodwork who claim to have loved her, but they wouldn't visit with her, or give her a kind word. The church that refused to help them pay a single bill (and refused to give them food!) has offered their space for the service, and I only agreed to it because I was trying to cut down on the funeral costs.

My uncle is hurting, and my aunt can't seem to give a shit. She has been a saboteur from the beginning, wanting them to fail and wanting us to fail in this funeral. The joke's on her; my church raised funds and will be helping to pay for the funeral, and my high school's headmaster called me up to say he's raised $3,000 and that I can call if we're still short. One of my girlfriends that I haven't spoken to since my baby shower even offered $300. My church is not a church of great means, whereas the church that they belong to is a historical African American church that is full of gossipers who are soulless, despicable people who would rather listen to someone who is no longer a member (who I am convinced is filled with venom; she's pure evil) than help those who need it. She is going to find a way to take credit for this when she did nothing. She deliberately waited until after church service was over to bring over the guest book, so that the people who visited were not recorded in the book because she didn't bring it. She also lied and said she would contact people she never called (like the hairdresser; she did the hair herself, which is why we're closing the casket for the wake and service). The "flowers" she promised her church would pay for are fake...and since her best friend's family makes those things for a living, so she probably paid nothing for them. It was just one stinking thing of flowers that she had placed on the casket. I hate her.

I hate everything she has done. She had the audacity to tell my husband (when he was telling her to keep trying to help find funds) that I should have just cremated her! I PAID for the bulk of her own mother's funeral, and it was my support system that is paying for my mother's funeral, and she has gotten away with ruining lives and not paying a dime. When I hear that people feel bad that they didn't visit, I always think "Good! You need to feel guilty." All my mother wanted was for God to come through for her, and for her to be loved. I want her to know that she is loved very much.

This is so hard to write.

I have invited my uncle to stay with us for awhile. I want him to be able to rebuild his life and heal away from a house where two of his loved ones have died. I am not sure when he will come, or if, but I don't want to go through this again. I want to know he's going to be alright because it's true what he said: It's not fair that people treat them like shit, treat them like they're worthless, as if they were the worst people in the world when all they were trying to do was survive. They were trying to live. And now she's dead, and I don't want him to be next.

What do I want for my aunt? For her to suffer. For her to feel humiliated, feel pain, to struggle. To not know where the next meal is going to come from. I want the worst for her, save only one thing: I don't want her to die. I want her to live with the consequences of what she has done. I want her to PAY.

I'm also angry with my father-in-law because he decided, on the day my mother's obituary was running in the Plain Dealer, to call her and my uncle "fucking irresponsible" for not doing what he thinks they were supposed to do with probate. Here are a few fun facts that he's completely forgotten about. 1) My husband and I hired him to help them, so if any money is owed, it would be from us and not them. 2) He told them that he was doing this for them because "we're family", and then treated them like they were idiotic pieces of shit because he was making side deals with my aunt, lapping up everything she served him. 3) He made my mother sign papers that he didn't explain. 4) He came over, while on the phone with my husband, pretending that he was giving them food when instead he dropped off a nasty letter saying that, essentially, my uncle had virtually no claim to the home. 5) He treats people like shit and has the nerve to be upset because they don't turn around and thank him for his service. I'm never asking him to do a damn thing for me again.

Since the title of my blog suggests that I learned something, let's review what I've learned in all of this.

- I want to be cremated. Fuck all of this shit with the funeral home (they demand payment upfront before services can be rendered; however, the newspaper, the printer of the service bulletins, and the people at the cemetery were more than willing to accommodate our situation of not having the money yet but that it was coming, or of lowering prices or not charging extra fees). If my loved ones want a service for me, fine, but I'd rather spare them the expense. My husband is willing to give me a service that observes Japanese rituals, but that's about all I want. He wants to donate his body to science.

- My mother was a wonderful woman who never deserved to die alone. I hope beyond everything that she is happy now.

- I apparently have a hell of a lot more friends than I could have possibly imagined.

- Know who to trust, and who to leave in the...bin (I wanted to say dust, but I do not want to offend my friend for the sake of a rhyme scheme).

- I apparently had more faith than I thought. When my grandmother died, I lost my faith. I think with my mother's death, I found it. I still told God off, but whatever.

- I will do right by the people who did right by me. And the others need to watch out. I'm full of anger and will release it on the first person to say the wrong thing tomorrow.

- There are some nasty people out there in the world, and they get away with a lot. If there's any justice in the world, they won't get away with it forever.

- I have the will to pull through this, and I want my mother to be remembered for who she was. And I want all of those people who said they care but didn't give a damn to know that her death rests on all of their shoulders. Live with that forever.

I signed all the paperwork, but the funeral home violated their own policies by allowing my aunt to take my place for the first viewing. She also dropped off the flowers and the book and never came back. My uncle and I stayed with her until they closed the home at 5. A few visitors came by and my little girl got to see her Gram-Gram one last time.

I've also learned that I have a mean streak that runs deeper than even I imagined, but I think these people have earned it. And if the money my aunt got the home church to donate is not given to the funeral home, my husband is going to call the church in a week to let them know that she had no expenses and that she should have to give the money back.

I never said I was a good girl.

The funeral is tomorrow afternoon, and I hope that her siblings from California come, but something tells me they won't.

There's only one crypt left of the six my grandmother bought. It's going to be for my uncle, because I'm cremating my aunt when she goes, so she'd better not go soon.

I may change my mind on a lot of things in time. But I won't change my opinions on those who hurt my family. I may just ease up on them in time (maybe). I've got to get some sleep to get through tomorrow. If things go poorly...well, let's just say you'll be hearing about me on the news.

I love you, mom. Never doubt that.

Her obituary is here.

EDIT: Okay, so now I'm feeling guilty about the things I said about my aunt (1.5 hours later). A little. I'm still angry, but she's still family. However, she needs to redeem herself to make this right.

All's Quiet On The Home Front

I was given orders by my husband to make time to blog today, so while he is out enjoying Beerfest, I am sitting in front of the computer keeping an eye on my little girl as she sleeps. I found my charger buired on my desk, because there was apparently a place that even my uncle feared to tread, and while I have been taking more pictures, I still haven't had time to upload them yet. I am going to wait for my husband to get back so that he can watch her while I get that ordeal over with [It takes awhile to get the program to do exactly what I want, and I have to decide what service to use for uploading the pictures so that my in-laws can download them]. I also have a cute photo from my f-i-l that I want to scan, but I have to clear the scanner off first before I can even pretend to get that done.

I have no idea how the rest of my family is doing these days. I can't reach my mom or my uncle, I'd rather not speak to my aunt (who proved that she has a listening problem when she called the night of the inducement to say that she didn't know if I had had the child or not), and my brother is trying to do his own thing so I'm not going to bother him for now. I am not as stressed out about them as I was before Devi came along and that's because she is now priority. And while I do feel as if I've let everyone else down [How, I don't know], I don't want to let her down. It's been a struggle to breastfeed her, so I have to spend my days hooked up to a machine every two hours...but because it's for her, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.

And one of my former co-workers came over to see us today. I called her last night and was out-of-sorts because Matt decided that he had to go to one of his games with his friends and left me with a crying baby for several hours, so she offered to come over and gave us some helpful advice and is willing to babysit and take her on an occasional weekend because she loves babies. I am going to ask her to come over next weekend to help us with her first non-sponge bath; I'll feel more at ease and she'll get a kick out of it, so it's a win-win. It was extremely helpful to have a mother figure helping out, and I don't know if I'll be able to thank her enough (you know, besides paying for the babysitting).

I know I should be trying to sleep now because she's currently out like a light, but I wanted to drop a quick line while I had the chance. And now I will be on the lookout for a portable washing machine because we could really use one, and the one that we have that works is too much hassle to use (it's an egg-shaped washer that has to be hooked up to the sink and can only be hooked up to the sink upstairs). The first one I owned was great because it was a simple bucket-style washer with an agitator, but the agitator broke and I couldn't fix it. If I can find another one, I'll be in 7th heaven.

If I can get my hands on a good, used laptop, I'll be able to get online more often without having to come into the baby's room. Hopefully, we'll know what financial aid I'll be getting very soon. So I promise Uncle David Dust and everyone else that pictures will be up soon, but I've just got to start getting my balancing act down first.

Things are nuts all over

How do I start this one? Well, for starters, I took my mom and uncle back home on Sunday...but didn't anticipate that sending them back home would be such a big deal to one of them. So now I carry a huge amount of (unjustified) guilt because my mom got the idea in her head that they would be here until after the baby was born when all we wanted was for the two of us to have our final days alone before the baby gets here (and to not end up in the poorhouse trying to feed 4 adults). My inducement is scheduled for 8 p.m. Wednesday (tomorrow), but I still intend to come to work that day just to finish things out. That, and the VP who is also in charge of my department wants to meet with me briefly. I'm always paranoid that it's about slacking off or something, so I don't know what that will be about until after it's over. We got the crib assembled near 3 a.m. today, so I didn't help myself any by forgetting to check when my alarm was supposed to go off. So instead of getting up at 9, I woke up at 11. Whoops.

Anyway, to make this make more sense, I'll flesh things out. The original plan was to have my uncle come down for a week to help us set up the house before the baby gets here, but when their utilities got cut off, we brought both him and my mother down for the week. When I mentioned on Friday that we were thinking of taking them up this weekend, she got upset and said "I at least want to see the baby", to which I responded "Of course you're going to see the baby. You'll be coming down with one of his parents to see it." She then proceeded to cry and cause me a great deal of grief and anxiety because I felt bad that she was upset but, at the same time, they needed to go home. My uncle did a spectacular job of cleaning the house, but sometimes I feel as if I'm playing a losing game of hide-and-seek when things get moved around because I can't find anything, and my family has a tendency to throw things away arbitrarily or re-arrange things on what seems like a whim to me. That, and one of my glass unicorns got broken (and we suspect that another one was thrown away...these things aren't exactly cheap). I have an unusual attachment to objects mostly stemming from being around people who throw away everything, and because my things are the only thing in my control (change and instability unhinge me because it has never been a good thing in the past). My unicorns all have a special meaning because I buy one every year at the Ohio Renaissance Festival, so I noticed right away when my shelf was rearranged and one of the 'corns was down...only to discover that it had a broken leg and was fixed with a big wad of tape. The only thing that kept me from losing it is that I know that the people who made the unicorns can fix them, so I just have to bring it with me. It may not seem like anything to anyone else, but when someone decides that things that you have on display are not important (like a plastic picture frame being tossed like it was trash), but that things that you don't care that much about deserve prominence, it's maddening.

That, and my mother eats everything. I love my family, and I would've been able to handle all of my uncle's changes better if it was just him down here, but when you're spending $40/day trying to feed everyone and one of those people eats everything that is in the house, including my husband's leftovers that he was going to have for lunch, it gets to be much.

She wants to come down and "help" with the baby, but my husband doesn't really want her down here because he feels she won't actually do anything. I keep reminding him that it's a symbolic gesture, and that we can put it off until I go back to school where she will be forced to at least watch the kid. But having her get upset like that unnerved me. I was so spooked by her reaction that I was afraid to bring it up with my uncle. When I did mention it to him the next day, he told me that he always assumed that they would be leaving by Sunday and that he was already packed! I enlisted his help in getting mom ready to go back, but I think this week was good for him. After the blow up with my irritating aunt Krayzee, he took this time to really revitalize himself and get in a place where he may be able to successfully find work (and, hopefully, take the aid offered by my f-i-l to get the utilities back on). He always seems to be rejuvenated after visiting us, so I try to weigh that with my mom's reaction to keep myself from feeling like a terrible daughter.

That, and keeping in mind that I have someone else that I have to worry about.

So, the baby is still very active and I'm looking forward to getting this whole thing over with. The kicking is starting to get nauseating, and I would like to be able to use the bathroom like a normal person again. My only concern right now is (somewhat) minimal; we sent laundry out to get done by a service, and I worry that it won't be ready until Thursday...and we're going to be a little busy that day. We sent over 120 pounds of laundry out (a combination of procrastination, and wanting to get as many sheets and things done as possible) so I hope we can get it back today [They offer same-day service, but I can forgive them not getting it all done today, considering the sheer volume]. The problem is that we sent so much that we're kind of out of clothing. If it weren't for the coupon that we had, this would cost over $100, but it's not going to be cheap. Fortunately, we will only have to do this once and then we can get back on track and do our own laundry for much less.

We still need to buy a few more items for the baby, and then launder the baby's stuff. And while most of the house is clean, the baby's room still needs to be finished, and our room needs some work. So, I'm tired, a little frazzled, and trying to actually get some work done before I leave for good after tomorrow.

Oh what fun.

Guaranteed to Never Be Bored

Oh, how I wish I were boring right now.

Okay, this is what has happened with my family situation. My mom and uncle are currently at my place and have been since Friday night. They finally figured out the problem with the cell phone (f-i-l has a bad habit of not keeping instruction manuals to anything, so they didn't know about the voicemail thing) and called us on Friday afternoon to find out when we were coming. That call was a good sign because my husband was worried that we wouldn't be able to get my uncle to agree to come to Columbus. Let's just say that it took us less than a minute to load them up and be on the way.

Unfortunately, Krayzee has managed to make things much, much worse by contacting their church and telling the gossip-hounds that mom and uncle needed financial assistance. This was discovered when my mom called their ride to church to let her know that she didn't need to pick them up. All I know is, I'm glad that they were out of town because I would've been horrified if they had found this out once they got to church, and my uncle would probably be in jail for killing his sister. She never checked on them in the two weeks that they were without service, and after all the thousands of dollars she has "borrowed" from them over the years, she loves to tell everyone that she has been supporting them. She also tells people that she raised my brother and I (which is a damned lie) and had no intentions of helping my uncle get a job. When the first thing out of your mouth when your mother just died is "How are are you going to maintain the house?", you have serious problems. She also called to say that she has the crib and wanted us to drive up yesterday to get it. My husband wants to call her bluff just to screw with her, but after my uncle called her up Saturday night (after 8 months of not saying anything to her) to call her everything but her name, I'm just going to leave her alone.

That, and she's probably not going to have a job very soon. One of the requirements for her current employment is that she has to live in town (it's immediate dismissal if she isn't filling that requirement), so she's been using their address to fill that requirement. That's going to end.

My uncle has been a great help already. He's gotten the kitchen tamed and the stairs have all the library books on one side (which, honestly, makes more sense and is safer), and he will be tackling the rest of the house in due time. My husband came through on finding a good family doctor that will take all of us (baby included), but had to be sent home from work yesterday when the arm with the tetanus shot [which he took like a champ, btw] was in too much pain for him to continue. As he put it, he lost a lot of machismo points for crying in front of his coworkers (aww!), but he was told not to work because the arm could get much worse if he kept working [HR's orders]...and he also learned the lesson to get the shot in the arm you don't favor. We got to go out walking last night (which, sadly, fried my hair that I had just gotten done on Friday) and we ran into our neighbors who had a bit of their own drama to deal with involving the wife's sister needing to be rescued from a black-belt, gun-wielding philanderer husband who has an addiction to internet and cellphone-text porn. Apparently, I live in Drama Heights, and I wouldn't be surprised if someone could turn this into great television someday.

Even my mom's presence has been beneficial. She's not exactly the best houseguest a person can have (she uses up all of my shower gel and she ate my husband's sandwich without asking if she could have it), but my husband now understands why I get so anal about things being a certain way. He likes to be a smartass on occasion and refused to see why it would be a problem to not open a door all the way, but he gets why it bothers me now and is a bit more understanding about it.

I am half tempted to do a YouTube video to let the world know what kind of person Krayzee is, but that requires a lot of work, and I doubt the people who need to see it will look, and blah, blah, blah. She's not really worth the effort. My f-i-l wants to help them out by paying to get their utilities turned back on, so I have to try to get the information on the account and how much is owed so that he can do that. Considering that Krayzee doesn't know how much is owed, it's utterly ridiculous that she could get the church to pay for anything. And if anyone out there thinks she did this out of the kindness of her heart, let me ask you this: If she was really looking to help, why didn't she go to her own church? Why did she not ask her friend's family (who live up the street from them) to check on them if she was unwilling to drive up to the house? The devil is in this woman, and I can't waste any more time on her. I'm due in two weeks (eek!) and I don't have time for this.

She's tried to destroy the family and ruin our reputations to make herself look good. She only has herself to blame for the fall that is coming. I'm having as little to do with her as possible because she's not worth the aggravation. She can turn to her friends if she needs help from now on. And if they end up having to sell the house, I'm going over to her place with Matt and a camera so that he can remove her daughter from the area before I beat that woman's sorry ass and blast it all over the internet.

Now that I'm no longer carrying the weight of her idiocy, I can get back on track and be proactive in getting everyone back on their feet. This feels good. And itchy. Apparently, the side effect of no longer being incredibly stressed out is to be (once again) horribly itchy. Yay.

Anyway, I'm hoping to do some news reports this week, but I have to do all of my computer stuff exclusively at work until I can get into the guest room again. I haven't even read any of the recaps yet (which is killing me), but I've got to get more work done. I'm so far behind, it's not even funny.

Big Update

...a.k.a. how the family fared, why I want to kill Krayzee, and that I have the best co-workers ever!

Let's start with the most pressing item: My mom and uncle. We were going to drive up to Cleveland on Sunday to check up on them when my husband offered to ask his dad to go over and check on them. My f-i-l couldn't get over there until today because he lives on the other side of town (roughly 45 minutes away), but the offer was welcomed because I wasn't sure I could make the trip without stopping at every rest stop along the way. Well, he made it over there after work today and I finally got to talk to my mom! F-i-l has a cell phone and I found out that they are doing alright but haven't been eating well (lack of refrigeration tends to lead to non-perishable items that aren't always the best), and that my uncle went downtown on the bus to take his job application to Aunt Krayzee and when he asked her if she had heard from us all she said was "yes." What she failed to tell him is that we called her Wednesday night when we couldn't contact them and that she only spoke to Matt briefly the next day and wouldn't return our calls (and she ignored his pleas to go check on them even though she lives closer than my f-i-l). I let my mom know that I'm bringing both her and my uncle down this weekend, and I don't think I'm going to get any objections at this point. My f-i-l then called Matt back to tell him that he's going to try and help them out because they are in dire straits and nobody knew how bad off they were. They also haven't finished the probate stuff and, being the lawyer he is, he's worried that the house will be taken if they can't pay the taxes. It will be my job to try to help them sort things out [read: be willing to take help] while they are down here with us. F-i-l is also going to get them a charged up cell phone so that we can reach them and they can reach the outside world. We are relieved that they are alright, but I am so angry with that woman for not even trying to see them once, even though she knew that things were bad for them. All she could do was bellyache about her own problems, as if she's struggling. If it weren't for her daughter, I'd beat her ass in the middle of the street like one of my childhood friends did her mother [btw, that woman did deserve it]. If I see her anytime soon, she's getting punched in the face. And if they end up losing the house either by selling it or by it being taken, may God have mercy on her soul.

With that out of the way, I wanted to touch on my awesome co-workers. They all put in money to buy us a crib and mattress [so Krayzee can suck it!] as well as a few other items. One of my team members even offered to babysit and come over to show us how to give the first bath! What is so awesome is that my department is mostly male, but since just about everyone over 40 has had children, they can all relate and remember new parenthood. When I tried to thank everyone, I was at a loss for words (and nobody could believe it). One of the guys even followed me home to drop the crib off, since he had a truck and claimed he lived close by [he probably didn't, but was trying to be nice and make it not seem like it was out of his way]. I feel so blessed that I would know people who would do this for me...and I feel a little guilty that I haven't been working as hard as I could (but I got more done today than I have in months). I now have three thank you cards to write for work [The woman at the front desk that I chat with just about every day bought us a gift that I picked up on Saturday, and some of the ladies got me the extra items over and above the crib], so I'm hoping to get that done by Wednesday.

I feel better that I know that everyone is alive and fine, but I don't even want to think about Krayzee's dumb ass anymore. How anyone can treat family like that I'll never know. Besides, I've got more pressing things to worry about and since we don't need the crib that she allegedly was going to give to us, I have nothing else to say to her.

Rough Night

I am doing my very best not to freak out after what happened last night. Between MIA family members and just getting sick, I'm surprised that I'm as calm as I am right now.

I usually call home three times a week and Wednesday is one of those times. Unfortunately, my mysterious stomach ailment hit me around 6:00 yesterday which caused me to end up in the bathroom instead of on the phone at my appointed time of 8 [I've been getting these intermittent stomach pains off and on for years and nobody knows what they are; I attribute it to eating too much of the wrong things that give me gas that gets trapped (a lifetime of gas problems will give one that impression)]. So when I finally do try to call home, their number is disconnected. Both house numbers. And my uncle's cell phone. They've been without power for a week now but they still had phone service, so I'm starting to get worried and call my husband home from his friends' place (fortunately, that's a 45 second walk). I try to call my brother and accidentally call my dad (and promptly hung up on him) and when I finally get a number for my brother, it's off as well. Even Crayzee isn't answering her phone, and that leaves me feeling like I'm adrift with no family contact. My husband offered me three options: To a) ask Daddy Douchebag if he'll check on them, b) ask his father to check on them, or c) to drive up there and get them. I refuse to give my father anything that he can spread around in the streets about them and I don't want to trouble his father so those two options were out. And I was too sick to make the trip last night (besides, I don't know where they are...they could be with friends or who-knows-where). I ended up drifting in and out of sleep all night until the pains subsided for good around 6 a.m.

Apparently, Crayzee got our message and said she hasn't heard from them either. However, she'll be available to talk around 9, so I'm making Matt talk to her then (I'm still not ready to play nice with her yet). We were going to bring both of them down for next week since the baby is going to be here soon and we are in serious need to getting the house together, but I have to find them first. Honestly, this is the most scared I've been in a long time. I'm incapable of helping them financially (because they won't let me; they know I'd do whatever it took to get their utilities back on), I don't really have any connections in the area that I can use to help them get work; I can just use the same temp agency that helped me out and try to put in a good word once they've applied, and I have to stay calm so that I don't go into labor early.

One of the adages that I used to put alot of faith into was "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I'm not sure I believe that anymore. I've had my issues with Him since January, but I don't even know what to think or feel, other than frustration and anger. I can't just sit by and watch my family disintegrate, but it seems that is exactly what I'm being forced to do. I hope that they can get to a phone and call me. I just want to know that they're alright.

...So Where Did I Go?

I've been busy watching the Olympics, not getting enough sleep, dealing with my inability to do anything for my family, and the sheer panic of impending motherhood. I've also been trying to get some work accomplished so that it won't seem like I wasted the last six months doing nothing (even though that's pretty accurate) when I leave this job. Let's start with this weekend and recap our way from there.

Matt and I attended our childbirth class and while I got a lot out of it, it wasn't worth no damn $95 dollars. They provided snacks but no meals, so I was a little pissed about that, and we did the hospital tour again (fun). The most interesting thing from the class was that a woman almost went into labor during the class. It was a 9-4 class on a Saturday, so we were both grumpy to be up in the morning and hated all of the group activities. I just want to take notes and be left alone, but noooo. I have to talk to people. So we spent the rest of the class writing notes to each other about what was getting on our nerves (i.e. how stupid some of the people were, the teacher's inability to say "personally" because she would just say "personal", and a list of all the phrases that get on my nerves).

My mom and uncle are still without electricity, and that has me very concerned. He won't tell me how much it would cost to get it turned back on (because he knows I would just try to pay it), so I've enlisted the help of my husband to play the heavy and talk my aunt into helping them out (or, at the very least, pay back what she owes). He called her on Monday about the crib and she said that the crib was at one person's house and the changing table (which I don't even want) is at another. We don't buy for a second that she can get these items so he's supposed to call her back today. I also told him to bring up the money issue with her, but to be "nice" if she mentioned the whereabouts of the crib. He leaned on her, but not enough, so we have to fine-tune this process. Crayzee tries to come off as if she's a responsible person because she has a job and her siblings do not, but if she were so damn responsible she wouldn't have borrowed money from these very same unemployed people. And if she were a decent human being, she would've helped them to get jobs and gotten their applications on file back in January. But since I found out that she's supposed to live in the city for her job and she does not, I have amunition for when I get really nasty. When her own friend is making sure that she takes care of a sibling who her father had with another woman, there's something wrong with Crayzee's moral compass.

I recommended the temp agency that I used here, and I'll even put in a call if that will help them to get employed. As it is, I'd be happy if they went back to school so they would at least have financial aid to use (my uncle would be finishing his PhD and my mom would be finishing her bachelor's degree), but that will take months. Matt has decided he wants them both to come down next week to help us set up for the baby and to get out of the darkness (but they're worried about leaving the house for a long period) so I've got to sell them on it today.

Unfortunately, the thing that could bring me down the fastest happened to re-enter my life this weekend. Crayzee's Ex husband ran into my brother on the bus. Ex recognized him and siad "I haven't seen you since you were 18 years old!" (he's 31 now) and then proceeded to ask a ton of questions about me. Why me? Why not his ex-wife or his ex siblings-in-law. No, he had to ask about me and my brother (who feels guilty for not protecting me back then) thought to himself "I'm going to protect my sister, because this is inappropriate" told him repeatedly that I love Columbus and that I'm going to stay down here, just to get him off the subject. Finding out about this made me so upset that I asked my husband to come home early from work on Sunday. That man ruined my life for a number of years, and I felt a little bit like a scared little kid all over again. My husband's reaction? He wants to kill him (he tried to once, but I begged him not to because this man is not worth jail time). Way to damage my self-image again, Ex.

The baby shower pictures were moved from my camera to the computer in record time. Unfortunately, that was last week and I still haven't had time to post them. It'll get done this weekend (I hope) so that the rare photos of a pregnant me will be on the Internet.

I have a headache and I need to put up a news post soon before I clock out for the night. I discovered yet another website that qualifies as eye-crack, and this one is called Not Always Right which has a wealth of quotes from dumb customers who remind me of why I should never work retail. Unfortunately, they won't let me put up quotes like Overheard in New York, but when I find some good ones to post, I recommend checking them out.

One last thing; I want to give a shout out to the US Men's and Women's Gymnastics teams for great performances this week for the team metals. The men weren't expected to do well but they were even in the lead for awhile, and the women were close to gold but should hold their heads up high that they gave it their all (even with the errors). I haven't had this much fun watching gymnastics since "the Magnificent 7" from the '96 Olympics (with my favorite American gymnast of all time, Dominique Dawes who gets a little screen time in the "I Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier" commercial), so they should be very proud. I've watched a lot of Olympics this year (makes up for only watching 2 minutes of it in '04) and I'm glad we're doing so well. Not really a Michael Phelps fan, but I can't deny him all the accolades he's been getting (I'm not a complete curmudgeon).

This is too long, so I'm stopping now. Have a good day everyone.

Oh, it's ON now.

In the ever-evolving saga of my family's drama, Aunt Crayzee crossed a line with me and will now begin paying for being a bitch. The electricity got cut off at the house yesterday and when my uncle went to Crayzee for help with it, she told him to ask the church for money. First of all, she asked them for money to pay her gas and electric last month and they gave it to her instead of going to her church, so she can suck it for all I care. Secondly, she's been dicking around on my uncle's job application since he began looking for work back in January. Why you ask the two people who don't have jobs to help you but you won't do the same in return is beyond me, but I've decided to take action.

I want her to suffer for being a bitch. My husband is being the more practical of the two of us and trying to come up with solutions to their situation, but I just want to be mean and nasty. I want her to either start helping them out or sell her portion of the house to me. When I brought this up, my husband thought that she would take us to court for the whole amount and win, but considering that my f-i-l is a real estate attorney who could write up the contractual sale for free, and that she wouldn't be able to afford to take me to court, I think I have a slight advantage.

Finding out more and more about her bad behavior has prompted me to seek outside help. She has a girlfriend that she is constantly running to with her sob stories, and I am going to call this woman this weekend and tell her everything that has been going on. I have to; I'm tired of hearing Crayzee tell people that my mom and uncle need to be independent while she runs to them for money on a regular basis. She has borrowed a ton of money from them and I am going to make sure she starts paying them back.

She made a bad choice in pissing me off, and I am going to make sure that she pays with interest.

I know it's wrong to take pleasure in causing someone else's pain, but I'm looking forward to doing this. It's moving out of the burden-on-my-heart phase into the clinical-action phase, which will make this all the easier to handle. So I'm probably going to hell for doing this, but I no longer care. I can no longer let her get away with her crocodile tears, so let the games begin.

What a Weekend

I'm finally back in the land of the living, but I'm surprised I managed to survive. Between my aunt's shenanigans and the paranoia of becoming a new parent, I'm impressed that I still have a mind with which to think. I'll do the news in the next post, because I just want to vent/update a little.

My husband and I went to a Baby Care Basics class on Saturday morning [I looked up the location of this hospital and knew exactly how to get there so that we were not late] and the woman who taught it was the best teacher they could've found for it. Anyone who is willing to come to the house of a new set of parents just to trim their baby's fingernails is totally awesome in my book. She was even willing to spend an extra hour talking to the two of us about our concerns because I'm horribly paranoid that I will have no maternal instinct. I like people who are honest about everything and when I told her that I would be going back to school two weeks after the baby's born, her biggest concern was that I wouldn't want to go back to school (whereas my biggest concern is that I will be all too willing to go back and get out of the house). I felt better after this class that I won't be a complete screw-up with this, and we left to go see the Jeff Smith exhibit at the Wexner Center on campus (this is the guy who did the comic/graphic novel Bone, which I recommend to anyone because it's a great adventure story. See my LibraryThing collection for more information), went out to an early dinner with my mother-in-law, and had a very pleasant day.

That night was a slightly different story.

My aunt, who needs a name for the sake of writing, has issues. She is a person who likes to manipulate everything so that her friends think my family is the enemy when it is in fact she who is the cause of all of her own problems. As I regaled in my last entry, she wanted to leave for Columbus at 10:30 to get to a 12:30 shower. It's a 2 and a half hour-long drive and there was a good chance that she and everyone she was driving would've missed the shower entirely, so my brother decided that he and my mom should find another way to get to the shower. They ended up taking the Greyhound Saturday night and got here near 2 a.m. (and I was too stupid to figure out they were taking the 11 pm bus...but that's another story for later) and we had to pick them up at the station (less than a 5-minute drive for us). My mom called my aunt when she got to the house to say that my husband had to drive up to Cleveland to do something for his mother and decided to bring them down on the way (complete lie, because his mom drove down to stay at a hotel, but my uncle figured it was the easiest way to not piss my aunt off and Matt is willing to play the fall guy). My aunt sounded like she didn't still want to just come to the shower on her own, but she was encouraged to still come down.

This detail is important only because Aunt Crayzee (as she will now be called) called my phone at 10:15 the next morning. I had no money left on my phone (pay-as-you-go and all), so Matt called the number back and spoke to Crayzee who said (in tears in front of her friends) that she couldn't come to the shower because she couldn't afford the gas and that they (my mom and brother) were supposed to split the gas and blah, blah, blah. Here's what I have to say about that: If you were splitting the gas, why were you charging them $30 a piece? And what kind of a car were you borrowing that you wanted them to fill up? Was it a van? I can tell you that on one tank of gas in a fairly gas efficient car (roughly $45 worth of gas) you can drive from Cleveland to Columbus and back on one tank. What did she need all that money for? Answer: She is always trying to get money out of my mom and uncle. These two people are trying to find jobs and while she is gainfully employed, that hasn't stopped her from borrowing money from them all the damn time. She was telling my mother what to buy me for my shower (as if my mom has never been a mom) which was to just get me a gift card so that Crayzee could get more of the money for herself. Crayzee was even trying to get my uncle to go to the shower so that she could get another $30 for herself. I didn't get to see my cousin, who would've really enjoyed herself at the shower, but Crayzee has only herself to blame for not going to the shower. I do feel as if she was going to arrive late on purpose so that she could embarrass my mother for being late to her own daughter's shower because, unfortunately, Crayzee is bitchy like that, but they thwarted her at her own plan by taking the bus (they would've rather given their money to the bus than to her). She needs to knock this shit off before I finally call her out on her behavior.

What is most upsetting is that I'm angry that I feel bad that Crayzee missed the shower. I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel guilty. How screwed up is that?

Anyway, the shower was wonderful. I took pictures and I will hopefully post them with a better description of the shower sometime this week. Two of my girlfriends came down to see me and it was nice to know that people cared so much about us to do this for us. And while both of our names were on the shower, Matt ran for the hills with my brother to see the Dark Knight again. I don't blame him; I would never be the type of woman who would make a man go to the showers (bridal and baby), but I won't say that other women who do so are bad. I just know that he would hate it and I'd rather have a good time than deal with him bitching about everything.

After the shower was over, my mother-in-law (who was upset to find out that my family had to take the bus when she could've picked them up) had offered to drive them back that very day, but because they had no way of getting back in the house (my uncle had the keys and was tutoring his friend's kids that day), they stayed with us another night. My brother, who has been living in his car for the past six months, said that this was the best sleep he had gotten in a long time (he was on the air mattress) and my mom crashed on our couch. They're not the best houseguests a person can have (my uncle, being the example of the world's best houseguest, sets a high standard for others to follow), but I'd put up with them all over again because it was worth it to have them here.

My Monday was supposed to consist of going back to work, but I had to drive the two of them back to Cleveland. If I had just driven them up there and left immmediately, I would've gotten to work by 2 p.m. but instead, I stayed with them and my uncle (who must have gotten home late because he fell asleep on the stairs for a little bit) and they picked at the fidgety baby for awhile. This kid's gotten a lot of attention and one of my girlfriends tried to encourage the baby to arrive on her birthday (8/25) but we'll see how that works out. :-) I ended up driving my brother to work (which was a detour on I-480 that causes me to lose no time on my trip since it empties out on I-71 South putting me further on my way than if I had to go right back to where I got off) and getting home by 4:30. This weekend left me feeling burnt out but blessed. I was thankful for what I received (because I didn't think I was going to get anything) but I felt so bad that I ended up spending the rest of the day curled up on the couch. Matt came home from his church meeting and asked me if I wanted him to stay home to take care of me and I actually relented. We needed time to reconnect anyway, and we spent an hour talking about the merits of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (not kidding) and I didn't feel like I wasted my time. I managed to get a lot of sleep and while I didn't get to work today until noon, I did get to work, so things have worked out.

Well, this turned into the long post from hell. I'll try to quickly throw together the news post so as not to lose any potential new readers to my maudlin rants.

Illness, Drama, and News

I've been away for a few days [I still haven't mastered the EMBED function; I'll keep working on it] and while I won't be posting all of the news I wanted to put up here, I will eventually put up something. I've been battling a sinus infection, a lazy husband, and a crazy aunt who is ten seconds away from being told that she needs Jesus (a good-bad-ugly trifecta coming up).

Anyway, I went to the doctor for my appointment yesterday and the baby is over 5 pounds already. The baby is in the 75th percentile for weight at this point in the pregnancy, but since it's not in the 95th percentile there's nothing to worry about. And my doctor was worried that the baby wasn't gaining weight. That was the good news.

My husband drove me to the brink of insanity when he decided to wait until 7 to look up the address for the hospital we were to tour on Tuesday. He drives slowly (it takes me 20 minutes to do this drive since I work out this way) and we had to be there at 7:30, and I went ballistic in the car. I wanted to harm him and in a rare moment of restraint, he kept his mouth shut until we joined up with the rest of the tour [He out-talks me, so not talking was quite a feat for him]. Come to find out the tour guide thought the tour was supposed to start at 7:15, so while we were 4 minutes late, she started early...but she took the tour group through part of the hospital again for the late people (we were just the last ones there). I ended up calming way the hell down after touching these stones that were decorating a waiting room, and I told my husband after it was all over that he would've been decked if he had spoken on our way to meet the tour group. I know I have anger problems, but he's got lack-of-motivation problems that need to stop. That was the bad.

The ugly is courtesy of my crazy-assed aunt who has shown her ass by deciding that she will drive my mom and brother (and maybe my uncle, if I'm lucky) to the shower on Sunday, but she doesn't want to leave until 10:30 in the morning. It's a 2.5 hour drive if you're lucky (and I can do it in less but I drive fast) and the shower starts at 12:30, so you do the math. She didn't want to come down the night before, and she's going to make them miss everything by leaving very late to get there (trust me, this won't be a long shower). She's also saying I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't [I can't help it if God saw fit to endow me with an ample bosom], and it is sadly indicative of her not wanting anyone else to have something she didn't have. She's got to get whatever hate she has in her heart out of her before her daughter finally puts her in her place.

Well, dumbass drama aside, here's the news for today.

- A 36-year-old man took the drug war into his own hands when he went to a nearby town, impersonated an officer, and started doing random drug busts in people's homes behind the guise of Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. And the local police let him! What gives this story a special spice is that someone is trying to use this guy's story for a comedy. Really? Damn, Hollywood, it's time to close up shop.

- There's so much going on in this one: A 400-pound gambler is angry that he was ejected from the casino for being stinky. He had been gambling for 17 straight hours (that's healthy) and was told that his smell was bothering the other gamblers. When he tried to reclaim his seat after a bathroom break, he was ejected. When he demanded a free room to clean himself up in (seriously!), they (of course) said no. He wants an apology for being told that he stank in front of the other gamblers. No, honey, you should apologize to the other patrons and then invest in a shower, a diet, and counseling for your gambling addiction.

- Gotta love their moxy: Two men crashed a truck twice on the same street. It was like dodge'em cars, only with stupid drunk guys.

- Well, at least she taught her son well: A 10-year-old boy turned in his mother for making counterfeit money. He gave the police the money and told them that she also made fake ids which led to the investigation into her illicit activities. Somehow she managed to post $50,000 bail, but I hope they checked to see if it was real first.

- What a jackass: A man was using a stranded-by-the-roadside ploy to get free gas from good Samaritans. He would (kindly) park near gas stations so people didn't have to go too far out of their way and they would buy him a gallon of gas and the gas can. He got 4 of them before the police noticed him and nabbed him for being a jerk.

- Hey criminals! Here's a tip for you: If you're going to rob a shop, remember to take your cash with you. If you leave with less than you came in with, you lose, stupid!

- To all the drunks in Devon, if they catch you pissing in the streets, they will make you mop it up.

- For some reason, this guy wanted to get arrested and called 911 enough times to get his wish. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

- Why you would do this I don't know, but two guys got busted spray painting a Hollywood water tower. The only time spray painting is funny is in the best episode of Home Movies ever, "Director's Cut" (someone really needs to take the Franz Kafka musical idea and flesh it out, for real!). Tune into the 6:10 mark and you'll see what I mean:



The music in this episode is worth looking at all three parts of it, but my point is graffiti is only funny when overweight, jealous soccer coaches do it in cartoons.

- If you've got a home for an overweight kitty in New Jersey, the 44 pound tabby is available.

- Apparently, the world's oldest jokes center around bathroom humor. Who knew?

- And just for the hell of it, here's a really stupid television show idea that is, unfortunately very real. It might be time to cancel t.v. everyone.

And I'm going to close this edition out with an Overheard in New York set of one-liners. After the other day's "fur is murder" quote (which has surpassed the Taste The Rainbow one as my favorite of all time...not to be mistaken for these taste the rainbow moments), I'm going with one-liners from the conductors. Only in New York can you get this kind of insanity (God I LOVE this city!).

Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!

--E Train

Overheard by: cran

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.

--LIRR

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.

--V-train

Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.

--Metro North Train

Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!

--4 Train

Overheard by: Jamie

Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!

--NJ Transit

Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?

--A Train

Overheard by: Schechter


via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2008.

Peace! I'm out!

I'll reserve that right...

I was looking over the patient's rights webpage from the hospital where I'm supposed to have my baby and found an interesting item on the list that I apparently have a right to:

"The right to complain"

I am so amped right now! I don't really like to complain (even if I do vent on a regular basis), but I like knowing that if I do have a grievance with the hospital for any reason, I have been given permission to complain about it. The catch is that they have a list of patient responsibilities, one of which was really interesting:

"Accepting consequences"

So if I screw up, I have to own up to it. Fair enough.

This whole hospital thing is a big deal for me because I've never had a major procedure done before, and the only time I've spent in the hospital has been in the emergency room for asthma attacks. I've never broken a bone, received stitches, or have been admitted (but I was given way too much albuterol by the nurses and doctors who lost track and that stuff will make you really high), so I'm kind of freaking out about this hospital thing. Especially after my grandmother's death in January, where she died within hours of getting to the hospital, those places freak me out. I didn't go see my mom when she was admitted over Mother's Day weekend in '06 (I had a class, but I wish I had just gone), and when my grandmother got sick when I was in high school, I spent the whole time in the hospital wanting to leave.

I now feel guilty about that, too.

I'm not going to have my family around me when I have my baby, and that makes me feel a little sad. They all live 2.5 hours away and unless the drivers [my crazy aunt and my douche-bag dad] want to make the trip, the others can't get down here.

I'm supposed to have a baby shower soon, care of my church, so I hope my mom can make it. I really want her to be here for that.

I never thought I'd say this with any level of sincerity, but I want my mommy.

Now Showing...

My guess is that I am now five months along, but yesterday was the first time someone noticed that I'm pregnant. My husband and I went out for ice cream and we ended up at United Dairy Farmers (UDF) where my desire for peanut butter and fudge was finally fulfilled. One of the employees came on shift while another was making my sundae, and she pointed to my lower abdomen with a smile while I was in line to pay for my purchase. I looked down for a second (because I wasn't sure if she was pointing at my Hello Kitty mp3 holder) and I realized by her smile what she meant, so I said "yeah, I am." She asked me how far along I was, and I had to turn to my husband because I really didn't know, so we told her our due date (9/6) and she at first thought we had said November 6th, because she said "hold out for three more days." Apparently, her birthday is November 9th, so she was playfully hoping we'd have our child on her birthday.

I told a third co-worker the good news yesterday as well. It came out by accident [I was telling her about an anime convention because her daughter is into anime and when she asked me when it was, I said "I think it's in August. Oh, wait, I may not be going if it's in August" and she asked "What will you be doing in August" and I said "Having a baby is what I'll be doing."] but I figure people around the office will start to figure it out. I've just not wanted to talk to people about stuff like this because I'm a far more private person that I realized.

I think the reason why I've gone so long without looking like I was pregnant is because I think people thought I was just getting fatter. My stomach has gotten bigger because things moved up to make room, but it did kind of look like I was putting on weight when it was just being repositioned. I've gained very little weight during this pregnancy (I lost 4 lbs in February, and I've gained 1-2 lbs a month since), and I'm trying not to let it get out of control since I weigh so much already. I was never sloppy fat, but I carry a lot more weight than people think because it's rather compact. Hopefully I will get some exercise in today, because I feel like getting outside and talking a walk.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to get around to blogging about this, but I was on the phone with my mother for over six hours on Sunday and I learned so much about her and about family, her friends, and how nasty people at church have really become [To be honest, these people were always nasty, but they no longer endeavor to hide it anymore]. I even learned about my father's mother (I was the only grandchild she had that she never met because I was too busy in the summer to travel down south to see her) and I now know that I inherited my strength from both of my grandmothers. My mother was fired up that night and she had a lot to say. She's the kind of person who scares you when she gets angry because it takes a lot to push her to that point. People know what I'm like when angry because my flashpoint is a lot lower than the average person, but my mom is scary because you don't know what she's capable of and you don't want to know. I always talk about how much I want to be like my grandmother, but my mom's not a bad person to admire either.

I just wish I could feel better. I was having a coughing fit while in the bathroom not too long ago and coughed up a lot of fluid from my lungs. I wasn't prepared for it, so some of it ended up on my shirt, which was embarrassing since it was a work bathroom and every woman on the fourth floor seemed to be in there at the same time, but I was able to get it out. I hope I don't have another one of those fits today.

It's kind of weird to have strangers notice that I'm pregnant. It makes me feel like a walking movie ad. Now showing in a woman near you.

Riddled With Guilt

Instead of posting on hearing Marjane Satrapi speak on Friday (I really hope to post about it; she was really good & I took notes and pictures), I need to get some things out about how I'm feeling. I'm not experiencing mood swings; I feel as if I'm falling down a spiral staircase towards madness with no end in sight.

I feel horribly selfish for wanting to pursue a PhD while my family struggles to cope with my grandmother's passing. My brother had stepped up and was driving my mom and uncle to church and the grocery store, but his car broke down and a person who said he would help looks like he has bailed. This leaves him having to take the bus to work, but it also means that my non-driving family members have to rely on others and the bus to get to their destinations. I don't worry so much for my uncle because he's really good at just getting on a bus heading in the right direction and getting to where he needs to be, but my mom is another story. Some of the things she needs to travel to would require her to catch the bus at night, and I'm not comfortable with her doing that. My aunt (the only member of this trio who can drive) has given rides to help out, but it's turning out that she's going back to a level of unreliability that unnerves and bothers me. My mom has a book club that she was attending with my grandmother and she still goes to it. My aunt has taken her to this club meeting in the past but, for whatever reason, decided to come to the house earlier today and made herself scarce for the rest of the day. Now my mom has to ask someone else to give her a ride at the last minute.

I feel like because I'm not there, that I'm letting the family down. And that feeling makes me feel like shit.

When I went up to Cleveland on Friday, I took my uncle to the grocery stores to get his shopping done and he bought a lot so that he wouldn't have to worry about going out to get anything for awhile. Ignoring the part where some lazy employee decided to accuse me of shoplifting because I kept looking at him [He looked like a dead-ringer for my brother-in-law, if he were black], I was more than glad to take him to do his errands, but I can't help but feel as if I am doing a very bad thing by staying in Columbus to pursue what will be my last degree. If it were feasible, I would be up there every weekend to help out; alas, that would put too many miles on the car and I'm not sure that I could physically handle that kind of schedule as the months progress. My brother is frustrated that a shoe-shine man he met on the job promised to help him fix his car but is now MIA; he wants to be able to help them out (and they've missed church for the past two weeks because of this) but is stuck without a working car (not to mention still not having a place to live yet).

Meanwhile, I'm getting increasingly depressed and upset for putting myself first. I tend to place my desires aside to do for others, and college was always the one thing I insisted upon for myself. Now my family is in shambles, I'm torn about not being there for them, and I still have no idea why my grandmother had to go when she did. All this, and a baby, too.

I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm just going to concentrate on keeping my blood pressure down and maybe go out walking today. I can use the exercise and I think I need to clear my head.