Thursday, July 31, 2008

Illness, Drama, and News

I've been away for a few days [I still haven't mastered the EMBED function; I'll keep working on it] and while I won't be posting all of the news I wanted to put up here, I will eventually put up something. I've been battling a sinus infection, a lazy husband, and a crazy aunt who is ten seconds away from being told that she needs Jesus (a good-bad-ugly trifecta coming up).

Anyway, I went to the doctor for my appointment yesterday and the baby is over 5 pounds already. The baby is in the 75th percentile for weight at this point in the pregnancy, but since it's not in the 95th percentile there's nothing to worry about. And my doctor was worried that the baby wasn't gaining weight. That was the good news.

My husband drove me to the brink of insanity when he decided to wait until 7 to look up the address for the hospital we were to tour on Tuesday. He drives slowly (it takes me 20 minutes to do this drive since I work out this way) and we had to be there at 7:30, and I went ballistic in the car. I wanted to harm him and in a rare moment of restraint, he kept his mouth shut until we joined up with the rest of the tour [He out-talks me, so not talking was quite a feat for him]. Come to find out the tour guide thought the tour was supposed to start at 7:15, so while we were 4 minutes late, she started early...but she took the tour group through part of the hospital again for the late people (we were just the last ones there). I ended up calming way the hell down after touching these stones that were decorating a waiting room, and I told my husband after it was all over that he would've been decked if he had spoken on our way to meet the tour group. I know I have anger problems, but he's got lack-of-motivation problems that need to stop. That was the bad.

The ugly is courtesy of my crazy-assed aunt who has shown her ass by deciding that she will drive my mom and brother (and maybe my uncle, if I'm lucky) to the shower on Sunday, but she doesn't want to leave until 10:30 in the morning. It's a 2.5 hour drive if you're lucky (and I can do it in less but I drive fast) and the shower starts at 12:30, so you do the math. She didn't want to come down the night before, and she's going to make them miss everything by leaving very late to get there (trust me, this won't be a long shower). She's also saying I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't [I can't help it if God saw fit to endow me with an ample bosom], and it is sadly indicative of her not wanting anyone else to have something she didn't have. She's got to get whatever hate she has in her heart out of her before her daughter finally puts her in her place.

Well, dumbass drama aside, here's the news for today.

- A 36-year-old man took the drug war into his own hands when he went to a nearby town, impersonated an officer, and started doing random drug busts in people's homes behind the guise of Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. And the local police let him! What gives this story a special spice is that someone is trying to use this guy's story for a comedy. Really? Damn, Hollywood, it's time to close up shop.

- There's so much going on in this one: A 400-pound gambler is angry that he was ejected from the casino for being stinky. He had been gambling for 17 straight hours (that's healthy) and was told that his smell was bothering the other gamblers. When he tried to reclaim his seat after a bathroom break, he was ejected. When he demanded a free room to clean himself up in (seriously!), they (of course) said no. He wants an apology for being told that he stank in front of the other gamblers. No, honey, you should apologize to the other patrons and then invest in a shower, a diet, and counseling for your gambling addiction.

- Gotta love their moxy: Two men crashed a truck twice on the same street. It was like dodge'em cars, only with stupid drunk guys.

- Well, at least she taught her son well: A 10-year-old boy turned in his mother for making counterfeit money. He gave the police the money and told them that she also made fake ids which led to the investigation into her illicit activities. Somehow she managed to post $50,000 bail, but I hope they checked to see if it was real first.

- What a jackass: A man was using a stranded-by-the-roadside ploy to get free gas from good Samaritans. He would (kindly) park near gas stations so people didn't have to go too far out of their way and they would buy him a gallon of gas and the gas can. He got 4 of them before the police noticed him and nabbed him for being a jerk.

- Hey criminals! Here's a tip for you: If you're going to rob a shop, remember to take your cash with you. If you leave with less than you came in with, you lose, stupid!

- To all the drunks in Devon, if they catch you pissing in the streets, they will make you mop it up.

- For some reason, this guy wanted to get arrested and called 911 enough times to get his wish. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

- Why you would do this I don't know, but two guys got busted spray painting a Hollywood water tower. The only time spray painting is funny is in the best episode of Home Movies ever, "Director's Cut" (someone really needs to take the Franz Kafka musical idea and flesh it out, for real!). Tune into the 6:10 mark and you'll see what I mean:

The music in this episode is worth looking at all three parts of it, but my point is graffiti is only funny when overweight, jealous soccer coaches do it in cartoons.

- If you've got a home for an overweight kitty in New Jersey, the 44 pound tabby is available.

- Apparently, the world's oldest jokes center around bathroom humor. Who knew?

- And just for the hell of it, here's a really stupid television show idea that is, unfortunately very real. It might be time to cancel t.v. everyone.

And I'm going to close this edition out with an Overheard in New York set of one-liners. After the other day's "fur is murder" quote (which has surpassed the Taste The Rainbow one as my favorite of all time...not to be mistaken for these taste the rainbow moments), I'm going with one-liners from the conductors. Only in New York can you get this kind of insanity (God I LOVE this city!).

Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!

--E Train

Overheard by: cran

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.


Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.

--Metro North Train

Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!

--4 Train

Overheard by: Jamie

Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!

--NJ Transit

Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?

--A Train

Overheard by: Schechter

via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2008.

Peace! I'm out!


David Dust said...

Those subway announcements are hysterical.


SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I would just love to hear one say "Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!"

Dan said...

Girl- You have more restraint than I do. Your husband would have a clock inbedded on his forhead!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

He ended up with a sore arm and I mumbled twice "if you keep rubbing that arm, I'm going to break it and give you a reason to be in pain."

I can laugh now, but I was heated that day.