I am supposed to do my exit procedure tomorrow (whatever that entails), so I want to put these up quickly so I can actually get something accomplished today.
- A note to those wanting to commit insurance fraud: You don't go on living your life while you're supposed to be dead. Dead men don't visit doctors.
- When celebrating your birthday, drink in moderation so that you don't get busted for nude swimming, spitting on the rescuing officer, and then claiming to be Jesus.
- I've had some bad experiences at Denny's, but nothing to cut my arm off over.
- When visiting Shanghai, try not to jaywalk because they intend to humiliate you on T.V. and in the newspaper. It'll be like when the school paper publishes the names of places that get busted for serving minors alcohol, except that it won't have the bonus of telling you who sells alcohol that you weren't aware of before.
- I have just learned that a bowl of spaghetti is considered a "deadly missile" if thrown at a car. Good to know.
- There is a book called "These Aren't My Pants," about stupid criminals who have bad excuses (it's also in my LibraryThing feed), and apparently this teen tried to take a page out of this book when busted with a stolen debit card in his pants. The semi-plausible excuse would've worked...if it weren't for the fact that the debit card was lost at his place of work on a day he happened to be there.
- Oh, how cute! There's a beagle shoe bandit running around stealing shoes and dropping them off at the fire department. Cat burglars have nothing on this little guy who eludes capture (and strangely will run around with women's underpants on his head). Just adorable!
- Oh, how...creepy. A couple married in a funeral home. It's the husband's place of employment, and they didn't see it as any different from marrying in a church (but I could think of some differences). For some reason, I would've been less creeped out if they had done it in a cemetery, but I can't really argue with anyone's aesthetic these days.
I'll finish it off with some random Overheard in New York quotes. Why? Because I closed all of my Not Always Right ones and wanted to end on a funny note.
Besides, having to write a letter of resignation to my boss kind of bummed me out and I would like to smile again.
Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog? Elderly woman: A treat. Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat? Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage. Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?! Elderly woman: Right. Go away.
Overheard by: JC via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008 She Who Dealt It, Felt It Girl looking at abstract wall installation: Oh god. This is pure art. It really speaks to me. Boy: What does it say? Girl: (makes loud farting sound and walks away)
--Art Exhibit, Time Warner Building via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008 Interestingly, Not All Were Bad Motherfuckers Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker... (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know...not in the, uh, bad way. Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.
Not much to report today. I've got some strange criminals, so I won't disappoint, but it's not a wealth of news (but still entertaining).
A quick note before I begin, I had my doctor's appointment today and while I'm not quite ready to drop it like it's hot, things are progressing faster than I thought. I'll spare you the details (1 centimeter dilated and some other technical stuff), but I've really got to get our house together before we're "surprised."
Well, here's the news, for what it's worth.
- A man claimed he was a porn inspector and demanded free porn to inspect that the girls were "of age" in the films. The police were called after the third time this guy tried this, so they're on the lookout for someone who thought being a bikini inspector just wasn't enough.
- Now how does this work? A man was arrested for being too close to his wife. A Batavian man was marrying his ex-wife when the police remembered that the ex had a restraining order filed against him. He's currently up on felony charges, and probably surprised that he's in jail when he just re-married the woman.
- Can you believe this happened in Japan? (yes). A man in a Winnie the Pooh costume beat up and robbed two people who dared to stare at him. Winnie and his friends (dressed as a mouse and panther, respectively) were wearing the costumes because they were out of clean laundry, but that still doesn't explain why they robbed the poor people.
- In a minor Olympic scandal, it has come to light that the little girl who sang at the Opening ceremonies was pulling a Milli Vanilli as she was lip-syncing for another little girl who was "too ugly" to put on TV. And there are people defending the decision because the Chinese feel that their worldly image is more important than anything else.
- If you hadn't already heard, there was a dumb-bum in Xenia, Ohio who decided to take a bubble bath in a Burger King sink, film it, and post it to his MySpace page. Well, needless to say, king moron was fired. He feels bad for others getting fired for their involvement (or lack of intervention), but he should feel bad for being dumb enough to tape it.
- And what about the crazy lady who had her dog Booger cloned overseas? There's evidence out there that suggests she's the same bat-poop crazy lady who kidnapped and raped a Mormon missionary back in the day. What's scary is that I actually recognized her for her past crimes, but I couldn't place where I had seen her until today. Stay away from that one, fellas, she's crazy!
That's it for today. It's time for another dash-to-the-finish bathroom break and time to bounce out of here.
I leave with a quote from Not Always Right ("Fighting Fire With Fire") about bad-assed kids (with a dumb father to match), and a quote from Overheard in New York that I liked just for being strange.
How Do You Get a Flyer Guy to Shut Up? Discuss Flyer guy: Rainbow room! Discount admission! Observatory! Rainbow room! (goth chick unbuttons her shirt) Flyer guy: Rainbow room... Uh... (goth chick reveals a Batman t-shirt) Flyer guy, recovering: Discount admission! Observatory! Goth chick (in menacing voice): I'm Batman. Flyer guy: Rainbow room! Discount admission! Batman! We got batman in Gotham! Observatory! Rainbow room! Batman! Discount admission!
I found quite a few OiNY quotes today that cracked me up. I wish I had known the second one when everyone was trying to "save" me as a college freshman, but I wasn't ready to be quite that nasty at the time. Remember, the language can get dicey at times...and I even got in some "water sports" quotes, so this is going to be interesting. Have fun.
Foreign guy: And listen, this coffee, it's for my friend. And he doesn't want it black, but he doesn't want too much milk in it. Can you handle that, my friend? Cashier: We don't put milk in your coffee, sir. Foreign guy: What? My friend needs milk! Cashier: You put the milk in yourself, sir. It's right over there. Foreign guy: He also wants Equal. No sugar. My friend, my friend, do you think you can handle that? Cashier: The sugar is right over there. Foreign guy: I need a cup for this milk and sugar because I don't know how much my friend wants. Cashier: I have to start working the morning shift.
Man reciting gospel on a train: And you, sir, have you accepted Jesus into your life? Passenger: A long time ago, baby. Now fuck off.
--1 Train
via Overheard in New York, Aug 7, 2008 I Participated in the Cosmetics Counter Sit-Ins at Greensboro Old woman: Did you happen to notice if the dancers were wearing nail polish? Teen girl: No. I'm sorry, I didn't. Old woman: I imagine an art form such as this stifles the dancers' individual expression. I know some days I feel watermelon pink... and no one can stop me!
--Front Row, NYC Ballet, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Gina Sophia via Overheard in New York, Aug 7, 2008 Wait!....Can I Have Your Broken Shoe? Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Oh look, you broke your shoe, and you're pregnant. Hugely pregnant woman: Yes. Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Well bitch, just go to the ATM, get $20, and get a new pair of shoes. White folks got all the money. Hugely pregnant woman: (silence) Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: You know what? God broke your shoe. He broke it cause you hate black people. Hugely pregnant woman: Umm, this is my stop.
--Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn via Overheard in New York, Aug 7, 2008 Wednesday One-Liners Want You to Know About the Size of Their Bank Accounts Yuppie on cell (trying to be discreet): Hey mom. Are you busy? Could you Google Maps me? I'm on Houston and West Broadway. Yeah, I didn't want to ask anyone for directions and make a fool of myself. Although I'm pretty sure I just did, because half of this coffee shop is looking at me now.
--W Houston
Overheard by: Let's face it, we were all new at one point.
40-something yuppie woman: And then I realized that my biggest problem in life is that most of the time I'm incredibly happy, but I'm not aware of how happy I am.
--81st & Madison
Yuppie dad to seven-year-old daughter: Now when you start buying iPods, that's when you're going to want to have a Visa card.
--Stanton & Christie
Overheard by: Ross
Three-year-old yuppie spawn: Noooooooooooo! I don't want Pad Thai! I want sushi!
--Dice Thai, Prospect Park
Overheard by: I'll take sushi too but you're payin', kid
It took awhile just to find something worth posting today. The criminals have been behaving and people hadn't been too stupid...but patience paid off and here's what I've got.
- A man with a dumbassed tattoo of a cinema strip on his face was arrested for kidnapping and perpetrating a hoax by using a Play-Doh bomb in Priscilla's, a lingerie store known for being very brightly lit (which makes it all the more creepy). What? So I know about all the sex shops in town. What's your point? Anyway...
- A guy got busted with a strange bulge in his pants outside of a Wal-Mart, only to discover that the "bulge" was some stolen chicken. The bulge was outside the wrong store!
- This is why it doesn't pay to drink and drive: A woman got lost (and was drunk) and stopped at a home to ask for directions. Unfortunately, she stopped at the home of a sherrif's deputy who realized she was intoxicated and wouldn't let her leave. She added to her drunk driving charge a charge of attacking an officer but, in her defense, she was drunk and didn't know he was an officer, so I can't really blame her for resisting some strange guy who wanted to not let her drive home.
And a couple of "stupid teenagers" stories caught my attention.
- An 11-year-old wanted to wake up his girlfriend in the wee hours of the morning and learned that using a slingshot was a very bad idea. He's paying his mother back the $160 she paid to fix the window by going around and doing chores, but at least he has to tell everyone why he's asking to do odd-jobs.
At least his crime was one of passion.
- The 26 high school cheerleaders who got stuck in an elevator were all just too lazy to take the stairs and/or were too impatient to just wait for another elevator. Considering that a student died in an elevator incident at OSU over a year ago and I happened to miss an over-filled elevator when I was a Singing Angel that plunged six stories and stopped just inches from the basement floor, I am on the side of the University of Texas on this one.
And to round this out, here are two wild animal stories.
- The first is a Mexican woman who fought off a lion attack with a machete until it left her and her niece alone. This is what I call an impressive woman because I'm not sure I could've done this.
- The second should be called "The Trouble with Badgers" (sorry, Star Trek). Apparently, male mating badgers sound like women screaming, and one in particular resulted in a lot of calls to the police. Hopefully, they won't make the neighbors pay for the helicopter usage that resulted in finding the "randy badgers."
To finish this edition out, I'm including a couple of comic strips and an "Overheard..." quote. The Agnes comic shows my need for an optimistic friend to think that "screaming is fun", and the Pearls Before Swine entry is just too pathetic to pass up. One of Pig's most endearing lines was from a comic where Rat asked Pig if he knew why bad things happened to him. Pig's response was "Yes, I'm stupid" and I've loved him ever since.
This "Overheard" quote is in honor of the "homosexual" phraseology I used the other day. Enjoy.
(at the gay pride festival) Girl handing out stickers: Do you want a sticker? Lady with a lot of stickers on: Fo' sho I'll take a sticker... and a cheeseburger, and some ice for the corn on my right foot. Girl (looking discouraged): Ew.
I've been away for a few days [I still haven't mastered the EMBED function; I'll keep working on it] and while I won't be posting all of the news I wanted to put up here, I will eventually put up something. I've been battling a sinus infection, a lazy husband, and a crazy aunt who is ten seconds away from being told that she needs Jesus (a good-bad-ugly trifecta coming up).
Anyway, I went to the doctor for my appointment yesterday and the baby is over 5 pounds already. The baby is in the 75th percentile for weight at this point in the pregnancy, but since it's not in the 95th percentile there's nothing to worry about. And my doctor was worried that the baby wasn't gaining weight. That was the good news.
My husband drove me to the brink of insanity when he decided to wait until 7 to look up the address for the hospital we were to tour on Tuesday. He drives slowly (it takes me 20 minutes to do this drive since I work out this way) and we had to be there at 7:30, and I went ballistic in the car. I wanted to harm him and in a rare moment of restraint, he kept his mouth shut until we joined up with the rest of the tour [He out-talks me, so not talking was quite a feat for him]. Come to find out the tour guide thought the tour was supposed to start at 7:15, so while we were 4 minutes late, she started early...but she took the tour group through part of the hospital again for the late people (we were just the last ones there). I ended up calming way the hell down after touching these stones that were decorating a waiting room, and I told my husband after it was all over that he would've been decked if he had spoken on our way to meet the tour group. I know I have anger problems, but he's got lack-of-motivation problems that need to stop. That was the bad.
The ugly is courtesy of my crazy-assed aunt who has shown her ass by deciding that she will drive my mom and brother (and maybe my uncle, if I'm lucky) to the shower on Sunday, but she doesn't want to leave until 10:30 in the morning. It's a 2.5 hour drive if you're lucky (and I can do it in less but I drive fast) and the shower starts at 12:30, so you do the math. She didn't want to come down the night before, and she's going to make them miss everything by leaving very late to get there (trust me, this won't be a long shower). She's also saying I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't [I can't help it if God saw fit to endow me with an ample bosom], and it is sadly indicative of her not wanting anyone else to have something she didn't have. She's got to get whatever hate she has in her heart out of her before her daughter finally puts her in her place.
Well, dumbass drama aside, here's the news for today.
- A 36-year-old man took the drug war into his own hands when he went to a nearby town, impersonated an officer, and started doing random drug busts in people's homes behind the guise of Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. And the local police let him! What gives this story a special spice is that someone is trying to use this guy's story for a comedy. Really? Damn, Hollywood, it's time to close up shop.
- There's so much going on in this one: A 400-pound gambler is angry that he was ejected from the casino for being stinky. He had been gambling for 17 straight hours (that's healthy) and was told that his smell was bothering the other gamblers. When he tried to reclaim his seat after a bathroom break, he was ejected. When he demanded a free room to clean himself up in (seriously!), they (of course) said no. He wants an apology for being told that he stank in front of the other gamblers. No, honey, you should apologize to the other patrons and then invest in a shower, a diet, and counseling for your gambling addiction.
- Gotta love their moxy: Two men crashed a truck twice on the same street. It was like dodge'em cars, only with stupid drunk guys.
- Well, at least she taught her son well: A 10-year-old boy turned in his mother for making counterfeit money. He gave the police the money and told them that she also made fake ids which led to the investigation into her illicit activities. Somehow she managed to post $50,000 bail, but I hope they checked to see if it was real first.
- What a jackass: A man was using a stranded-by-the-roadside ploy to get free gas from good Samaritans. He would (kindly) park near gas stations so people didn't have to go too far out of their way and they would buy him a gallon of gas and the gas can. He got 4 of them before the police noticed him and nabbed him for being a jerk.
- Hey criminals! Here's a tip for you: If you're going to rob a shop, remember to take your cash with you. If you leave with less than you came in with, you lose, stupid!
- To all the drunks in Devon, if they catch you pissing in the streets, they will make you mop it up.
- For some reason, this guy wanted to get arrested and called 911 enough times to get his wish. Whatever floats your boat, dude.
- Why you would do this I don't know, but two guys got busted spray painting a Hollywood water tower. The only time spray painting is funny is in the best episode of Home Movies ever, "Director's Cut" (someone really needs to take the Franz Kafka musical idea and flesh it out, for real!). Tune into the 6:10 mark and you'll see what I mean:
The music in this episode is worth looking at all three parts of it, but my point is graffiti is only funny when overweight, jealous soccer coaches do it in cartoons.
- If you've got a home for an overweight kitty in New Jersey, the 44 pound tabby is available.
- And just for the hell of it, here's a really stupid television show idea that is, unfortunately very real. It might be time to cancel t.v. everyone.
And I'm going to close this edition out with an Overheard in New York set of one-liners. After the other day's "fur is murder" quote (which has surpassed the Taste The Rainbow one as my favorite of all time...not to be mistaken for these taste the rainbow moments), I'm going with one-liners from the conductors. Only in New York can you get this kind of insanity (God I LOVE this city!).
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.
--LIRR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.
--V-train
Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.
--Metro North Train
Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!
--NJ Transit
Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?
High school hipster #1: Dude, you know that guy Ray Simmons? High school hipster #2: Who? High school hipster #1: Ray Simmons, Ray Simmons. I dunno dude, the fucking guy from KISS. High school hipster #3: Richard Simmons. High school hipster #1: Yeah, that's it, Richard Simmons.
Though I'd Probably Have Been Smited by Now Suit #1: I have to leave at five today. Suit #2: Why? Suit #1: I have to go to church. Suit #2: Jesus Christ! I wish I was religious.
I Wept Profusely Throughout Emo kid: Dude, have you seen Alvin and the Chipmunks yet? Big black guy: No, not yet. Emo kid: It was off the hook! Big black guy: Really?!
For Me, Getting Married Would Be Like Playing Madhouse Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Getting married is like playing house! It sucks! Drunk girl #2: Yeah! I never want to get married or have kids. I have too many mental illnesses to pass along.
Thanks for the Recipe, Pampered Chef! Thug #1: Yo, what it mean when you call a woman "apple bottom"? Thug #2 (half asleep): Cake. Thug #1 to thugette: See woman, I told you it mean you got cake.
The... Dude Police? (drunk group of 20-somethings stumble out of a bar onto the street) Unstable random lady: Alcoholic! You need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous! Drunk guy: Dude, just mind your own business. Unstable random lady: Don't call me dude! I'll call the cops on you!
Sorry, I Prefer My Men Filtered Redneck guy: Hey, got an extra cigarette? Hipster guy with hipster girl next to him: No, sorry man. Redneck guy: Well, can I fuck her then?
Agnes wants to come up with the saddies to be depressing comic strips to make the reader's world seem so much brighter.
I have been negligent in my "Tom Tomorrow" comics because the Village Voice stopped feeding my RSS feeder with them, so here's the catch-up. - Sparkman (last seen sometime last month) is able to overcome the bad press from his Anti-troops statement to come out the victor. - An explanation for all the different Obama haters out there. - An explanation for the "appeal" of McCain to his supporters. - And, finally, the private eye film on the free market hand's need for a "fix".
EDIT: I have no idea how to embed anything, so these comics will either not show up at all or will only show part of the image depending on your browser. I'll try to fix this later, since I need to be getting home.
Since I just realized I'm much farther behind on my work that I thought, I'm going to try to cut back on the amount of time I spend doing non-work things at work. These were the Overheard in New York postings that I found hilarious and will post for your amusement.
(waiting in line) Four-year-old kid: Mommy, I really want a lollipop! Mom: Uhuh, move up here honey. Kid: Mom! Just give in, I want a lollipop, okay? (mother ignores him) Kid: Just give in, it's okay, I want one. It's okay to give in, mom. (pause) Kid: Mom, this isn't going to work for me! I want a lollipop! Random guy in line: Resist!
Ditzy blonde: I know you'll think this is stupid, but I was thinking of going to a life coach. A life coach or a really good psychic. Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it's stupid. Here, I'll be your life coach: Fuck psychics, and go get a job. Oh, and don't get fired this time. You're fixed now.
--Metro North-Harlem
via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008 Every Artist Has His Own Medium Drunk black guy #1: That's when I started cooking with weed. The Jamaicans told me you can cook with it. Drunk black guy #2: Yeah? Drunk black guy #1: I made chicken soup with that shit. I had soupy chicken weed. I was high as fuck. Drunk black guy #2: Yeah? Drunk black woman: You ever had weed fishcakes? Weed fishcakes. I make that shit. Drunk black guy #2: Fishcakes? Drunk black woman: And pork fried weed. Drunk black guy #1: I want to come to your parties. You creative.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008 Bear in Mind, I've Seen That Video Of You and the Other Girl Mom: We should call up doctor Katz* so he can check you up, figure out your measurements and percentiles. Kid: I like it when I pee in the cup! Mom: Oh, do you? Kid (as they exit the train): Yeah. Do you like the cup mommy? Do you? Do you?
--1 Train
Overheard by: RG via Overheard in New York, Jul 27, 2008 I've Moonwalked on Water Driver: So if I had to choose an age to die, I'd choose 24. Van mate: Oh, you'd one-up Jesus. Driver: Man, I've been one-upping Jesus my whole life. That's all I do.
--West Side Highway via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008 You Let Me Smoke Your Weed and I Let You Stare at My Boobs? Girl: When I found out he was all about sex, the crush was all over. Dude: Oh, come on. I'm sure he's more mature now. Girl: Why are you trying to pawn me off on all these guys? I mean, come on, sex is not cool. Dude: Why are we friends?
--Cafe Esperanto via Overheard in New York, Jul 28, 2008 Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days? Dude #1: I don't know. Hell's Kitchen used to be the worst. Dude #2: What about Harlem? Dude #1: I guess Harlem's still bad, but it's not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Alex Remnick via Overheard in New York, Jul 27, 2008 And Then We'd Have a Reason to Drink Hipster dude: Hey, wanna know the best way to not get carded at restaurants? Hipster chick: Offer blowjobs? Hipster dude: Naw, we could kidnap a kid, train it to call us mommy and daddy, and bring it with us everywhere when we wanna drink.
Long Island lady #1: Okay. I get what he's doing now. I'm moving on to the landscapes. Join me when you're done. Long Island lady #2 (still entranced): Um. Yes. Yes, I'm done too.
--Nude Room, Gustave Courbet Exhibit, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Today's news encompasses dumb criminals, lucky people and animals, and some random quotes from my favorite quote site. The things that people are willing to do these days....
- An idiot criminal broke into an apartment in Brooklyn came back to the scene of the crime because he left his wallet behind and it just so happened that the apartment's occupant returned as the guy was trying to break back in for his property. The police picked him up as he was shoving the stolen money under the door in exchange for his wallet. Dumbass.
- Apparently, some people haven't gotten the memo that joking in the airport about having a weapon in your suitcase can get you in a ton of trouble. The German man and his wife were refused entry on the plane even after it was discovered that the mysterious cylinders were from umbrellas.
- How did he pull this off? Some guy in Brisbane robbed a service station (successfully, I might add) with a florecent light bulb. Did he come up with this with a cartoon thought bubble over his head, taking the bulb out and committing the robbery with it? Unbelievable that he actually got away with it.
- This one I'm actually on the fence about. A man in New Jersey was arrested for having a display of porn, a naked Barbie doll, and a thong on a platter in his car in a rest area. The reason I'm not 100% against the criminal is because I don't freak out that children will see this stuff. He claims that he was in the process of moving, but because it looked like he had this stuff on display, he was kind of asking to get in trouble. It's one thing to have it in your car and you forgot to cover up a video, but it's another thing to have a virtual shrine to porn in there. Why are they looking in his car anyway? Mind your own business.
- A woman who planted a dead rat in some restaurant and tried to extort the place for $500,000 is facing one felony count of extortion. It was discovered that the rat was 1) a lab animal and 2) had been microwaved (the restaurant in question didn't use microwaves in their cooking process).
- A woman smacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat because he wouldn't stop using drugs. They're both in trouble, but I hazard a guess that she is not in near as much trouble as her cocaine smoking beau.
- A 77-year-old grandmother pinned down a fox that attacked her and held it down until help arrived. She's recovering from her injuries, but I just thought it was really cool that she stood her ground with the rabid animal. My grandmother would've been 77 in February, and I could've seen her doing this.
- Talk about lucky: A koala was hit by a car and carried for seven miles in the grille and managed to survive. That's one tough koala.
To finish this out, I'm including some Overheard in New York quotes that either had great titles, or were ones I could really relate to (it'll make sense in the end, I promise).
New York Is Like a Performance Art Installation That Never Closes Crazy guy eating in deli: You know, 200 years ago, people wouldn't be able to get anything they wanted from this place... They'd have to go hunt for food. Clerk, pretending to be amused: Oh, really? Crazy guy eating in deli (really excited): And you know what?! There used to be cats screaming all night long until the Chinese food places came around (laughs to himself) but not anymore!
--27th & 6th
Overheard by: Karl via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008 Wasn't She the Deaf and Blind Girl with the Miracle Worker? Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank? (silence) Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary? (pause) Mother: I mean, I've read about the holocaust, but I don't know any specific authors.
Male student #1: It's not easy. Male student #2: Nothing is easy. (pause) Some things are simple. Male student #1: Oh, sure. Male student #2: But nothing is easy. (pause) I have no idea where I'm going.
Overheard by: Slammy via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2008 I Tried Them Once, But I Kept Getting Stuck to the Fridge Not-so-chubby girl: Dude, I'm so fat. Ordinary girl: No you're not. You just got a little belly. Not-so-chubby girl: Yeah...I wish I had fat magnets so I could put them in my bra. It would suck up all my fat and make me go up a cup size. Ordinary girl: Wow. And I always thought plastic surgery was the only option.
I can relate best to the third and fourth ones because I seem to hate everything lately (and I can't stand it anymore), and I have had those spacey conversations where you have no idea what you're trying to say and really need someone to help you stop.
I've got a special post coming up later about a philosophy I came up with last year that really needs to be spread. Later, gators.
As should be well known by now, I am in love with Overheard in New York, so I try to post some of the best stuff I run across from time to time. A number of these were from Wednesday, which is when they do their one-liners, so I've tried to pick the funniest. A fair warning: Some of these get explicit, so if you are offended by the overuse of "dick" or by too much swearing, tread carefully.
Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased. (daughter smiles) Father: Do you know what "biased" means? Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.
College girl #1: Ugh, I can't believe I have to go to my uncle's wedding. It's his fucking third one! College girl #2: His third one? College girl #1: Yes! Why can't he just go to some deserted island and get married by himself?! College girl #3: Well, you can't really get married by yourself. (pause) College girl #1: Will you please just be supportive? You know what I mean.
Girl: You'll never guess what I saw in the Delancey Street station today. I was about to sit down on the bench when I noticed that someone had drawn swastikas all over it with a marker. Guy: That's distasteful. Girl: Tell me about it. I'm sure people come across that and have their day completely ruined. Luckily, I was only slightly annoyed.
Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: bildita
Guy: ...and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.
--Metropolitian Musuem of Art
Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers
Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I'm getting sick of it.
--14th St & 1st Av
Overheard by: Larry
Thug: I'm like super pimp. I pimp men and women... And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.
--10th & Broadway
Composed chick on cell: He's a giraffe, and I'm a leopard, and I'm never gonna be a giraffe. I've tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I'm gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It's in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.
Man to friend: Ya know I've touched both your dick and your brother's dick... and his is much bigger.
--44th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: bigstoopit
20-something guy: I've just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.
--1 Train
Overheard by: drew
Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter's dick in my mouth. I didn't see it, I don't even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it's not important!
--Greenwich Ave
Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I'd suck the Jolly Green Giant's dick, I don't care if it did break my jaw.
Smoking girl: I'm just not going to put all of this money and time into this degree and then take a job that pays less than $100,000 after I graduate. I mean, I'm just *not*.
--Outside Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Bored street fundraiser for the homeless: Just one penny, people. Just one penny. Blah, blah, blah.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: Farley
Crazy guy: You motherfucking actors with all your fucking money and shit... I hate you... But boy did I want to be an actor when I was young.
--Outside NBC Studios, 49th & 6th
Overheard by: Ross
Frustrated booth operator, yelling at an argumentative tourist: Lady, this subway hasn't used tokens in over seven years! And that ain't even a token... It's a one collar coin!
--Subway, Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: NYC Tourists Never Cease to Amaze Me
50-something ticket collector to high school girl: Don't worry, I didn't forget your change. (pause) I will never forget you. (walks away)
--Metro-North Train
Mother to young daughter running down the street: Get over here before I make change outta that five dollar ass!
My favorite has to be the last one, because I can actually see myself saying that to a child one day. Others that I really liked were the giraffe/leopard analogy and "two dollar rent". Tip of the hat for the first one for giving me a new way to describe myself. I may be a latent biased-sexual! I still say I'm victory challenged, so whatever. Enjoy your day.
It's been a rough 24 hours with the loss of George Carlin and Dody Goodman joining Cyd Charisse in shuffling off this mortal coil, so I'm going to post more of the Overheard in New York quotes I read today. I have also added a new random quote generator to the bottom of the blog where everyone can get a little NY in them.
A lot of these are rather dirty (nasty, really) and I think some can quibble with the last one, but I think my favorite of this bunch is the "Hag Recruiting" one with "Glass Slipper" being a close second [some can say I chose the "intellectual" type, but I don't act ignorant around him].
Black girl #1: I wanna date a white boy. One that looks like a skater. Black girl #2: No, not me. I want an intellectual, so I could act all ignorant around him and he'd still love me.
Girlfriend: And ya know what? Just fuck you, okay? If that's what you think, fuck you! (Boyfriend sneezes) Girlfriend: Bless you. Boyfriend: Thank you. Girlfriend: Awwwww... that's the nicest conversation we've ever had!
Loud teenage guidette: He doesn't date! Ugly teenage guidette: Yeah, he's gay or something. I heard---yeah. Loud teenage guidette: No, no, he's protestant---like religious. They worship this Chinese guy... Ugly teenage guidette: Oh, I heard about that! They don't date? Loud teenage guidette: They don't date white people.
College student #1: Yeah, I pissed on her, but she was old. College student #2: It doesn't matter! You fuckin' pissed on a girl! College student #1: But she was old! College student #2: Old... young... It doesn't matter! You pissed on a bitch!
Girl: What do you want me to do? I can do anything, that's why I get acting jobs. Boy: I can't think of anything. Girl: I can do anything; I can do anything you want me to do and I can do it well.
--69th St
Headline by: Moon
Runners-Up: · "And Yet, You're Not on Your Knees..." - Katie Darling · "Before You Pick Up the Hooker, Have a Plan" - CV · "Kim Possible Breaks Out the Dirty Talk" - john · "Like Getting Me a Drink Menu?" - phox · "Looks Like I Just Might Finally Get My Roof Fixed" - engsci · "Portrait Of the Densest Boy on Earth" - samson · "Sally's Gaydar Works Again!" - Sara Irene · "Save It for the Next Election, Hillary" - NR · "What Does a Girl Have to Do to Become a Fag Hag Around Here?" - rudy valahan
After Experimenting, Goldilocks Finds a Religion That's Just Right Guy #1: Y'know, I really just need to get it through her head that there's nothing wrong with waking up naked in a Jewish synagogue. Guy #2: Yeah... I feel that, man. Guy #1: I mean, now that it's happened more than once, she really needs to realize that it's okay.
So Many Possible "Jam" and "Spread" Jokes--The Mind Reels JAP #1: I hate boys who won't kiss you after you go down on them. JAP #2: Yeah, I know. But I don't kiss boys after they go down on me. JAP #1: That's awful! If he can handle it, you should too. JAP #2: But it's so bitter! I'm just saying: if they sold a jam the flavor of my vagina, I would not buy it.
Hag Recruiting Starts With an Attack on the Candidate's Self-Esteem Flamboyant NYU guy: Oh my gosh! I haven't seen you in so long! Ditzy NYU girl: I know, right? Oh my god! Flamboyant NYU guy: This is, like, so weird! I was just thinking about you! Ditzy NYU girl: Aw, cute! When? Flamboyant NYU guy: I was all alone at home on Friday night and feeling really depressed and then I realized you probably didn't have any plans either! That made me feel better! Ditzy NYU girl: Hah... Wait, what?
All of the crazy things I found today make me want to scratch my head and wonder why I read them...and then I remember that most of this crap is funny and I feel better.
I'm going to try to keep these short of opinions so that they read faster. It also forces me to be more creative (I want my writing to improve), so let's get started.
- This should be a lesson to all gas attendant employees to not take the law into their own hands and jump into a car to stop a criminal. Especially when you're only 21 and, apparently, still able to be yelled at by your mother for doing so. Good effort, though.
- Gross! The guy who put his hair in someone's steak pled guilty to food tampering. The chef and his co-worker were fired when a man who complained about his steak was offered another one by the manager, but the cook felt like the man was trying to get away with free food and implanted pubic and facial hairs in the steak. Remind me to never piss off a chef.
- This is a thief who tried the if-at-first-you-don't-succeed approach to robbery and made a fool of himself trying to steal an ATM. Sadly, the ATM thing was the second attempt at getting money at this place. He finally got some cash, but there's video of his exploits so feel free to point and laugh at him. You know I will.
- If you've already gotten in trouble for grabbing a cop by the short and curlies, what makes you think it's a good idea to break your probation by getting drunk? She can do upwards to a year in jail for violating probation, but she deserves jail time for having the nerve to be an up and coming model (because those lips are not cute).
- Every time it rains felons from heaven Don't you know each ceiling contains felons from heaven? (Thanks, Dean Martin)
Now onto the strange and stupid.
- New York apparently has the power to shut down the Gates of Hell. I wonder who left them open?
- Why is someone trying to play Where's Waldo with a Hulk statue? He's eight feet and has no feet, so he shouldn't be hard to find. Too bad it's proving to be more popular than the film itself.
- I'm mad that I have to post this, but we must all do our part to keep Avril Lavigne from having more YouTube views than Evolution of Dance. Considering that "Girlfriend" is a rip-off of a Josie and the Pussycats song (great bad film), I can't let this one go.
- A tiny island off the coast of Scotland has declared his independence and will only answer to the crown. If it weren't too far away from everything, I'd consider moving there myself (to get away from "iars, thieves and tyrants in government"). I could take or leave the "crown" thing.
- It's been covered, but this heifer (I've seen her; this fits) is suing Victoria Secret because of faulty underwear. You have to be doing something really stupid to make a piece on the side fly into your eye. That, and those weren't her size. She was kidding herself and now wants $ from her own stupidity. Bitch.
- Cute! A cinnamon bear decided it wanted to go swimming in a hotel pool. He got in, had a little fun, and moved along. I wish there were pictures.
- When hunting woodchucks, don't mistake your foot for the woodchuck. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A whole lot more since blowing a hole in your foot & not a woodchuck, fool.
- Are people so clueless that they don't know what WTF means when it's on their license plate? Yes. And I can't really fault the woman as much as I fault the DMV for not catching the WTF, LOL and NME combinations that they've released on the public. Personally, I would love it if my plate said any of those things. Ohio's so puritanical that someone would force me to remove my plate once they figured out what WTF meant. Ah, good old-fashioned paranoia.
- The Emmy awards have declared that "You Can't Stop The Bitch" by awarding Tyra(nt) Banks an Emmy for Best Talk Show, Informative. Why, God, why is this woman awarded for self-centeredness?
- A Jamie Lynn article that made me laugh: A member of The Cheetah Girls hopes for the best for mother and child, but what cracked me up was her response to the possibility for motherhood for herself.
"100 percent, I will be married when I have my first child," ... "I know that is a pretty big statement, but my mom would murder me. I come from a super religious family."
It was the "Aw hell no! I ain't havin' no baby now" answer that I loved so much. At least there are some young people who want to go the traditional route still out there.
- To round this out, I'm linking to a Janet Jackson is surprised by baby plans article with one which list Celine Dion's AC/DC cover voted the worst cover of all time. I love you, Janet! Celine, not so much. But the Celine article also lists Jimi Hendrix's "All Along The Watchtower" and I love Jimi (I mean love Jimi) so that makes the article cooler.
One more Overheard in New York quote for the road:
This is a website I used to love visiting all of the time, but because I do not have a feed set up for it, I tend to not read it anymore. I decided to visit today and found this lovely gem:
If You Don't Share with Him (mom yelling at six-year-old son playing with several magazines) Mom: Eric, let's go now! Eric: But Mom, I want one! Mom: For Christ's sake! Just take one and let's go. (Eric takes Gay Life) Mom: Your father is going to kill you.
I may post a few more in a separate post (I want to chose some instead of just listing them all) but this one made me lol in my cubicle. I had to play it off like I was coughing...and now I can't stop. Oh well, it was worth it.
It's because of Overheard in New York that I want to move to NYC even more.
Ghetto mama: Gimme some of yo' Skittles, boy. Little boy: No, they be my Skittles. Ghetto papa: Boy, you best to give yo' mama some Skittles or yo' ass is nevah gonna taste that rainbow again.
Here's another quote from Overheard in New York (now to be known as OiNY). I thought the last one was the funniest, but I feel it would be disingenuine if I strip out the other quotes from this entry.
Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I'm a better driver than you, and I'm texting at the same time!
--Westside Hwy
Overheard by: Glad I'm walking
Black guy to no one in particular: Do you have Michael Jackson's phone number? [Taps on cab window] Do you have Michael Jackson's phone number? [To a little girl in stroller] Do you have Michael Jackson's phone number?
--58th & 9th
Overheard by: Jofo
Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom -- it's a pink RAZR... It says 'Stud muffin' on it.
--United Nations
Crazy guy handing out Sprint flyers: Free camera phone! Soon you'll be eating the robots!
--Outside Sprint, Broadway & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Deby
Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You're waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes...
I found this to be so hilarious that I had to leave the room so that I wouldn't disturb my co-workers.
The Overheard in New York line that I found most funny is the 'black guy with guitar' one. I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to that song ever again without laughing!
Wednesday One-Liners Watch AZN Teacher: So, for the most part you guys had really low participation grades. Then they made me sit through some psychology workshop entitled 'The Asian Teen and Why They're So Quiet.' After that, I raised everyone's grade.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Lady with accent, to toddler: I don't know about Asians... He just fell over, and they don't even care! They're just gonna leave them there!
--Faye's Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: Sydney M
White mom taking photo of Chinese seven-year-old daughter: Honey, open your eyes! Wider! Open your eyes, dear!
--Times Square
Black guy with guitar: Hey! Hey you! This song I'm gonna sing is for you, Chinese girl. [Sings] Everybody was kung fu fighting, [yells and chops the air] boom, bam! Thank you. Thank you all! I accept pennies, nickels, dimes, iPods, wallets, cellphones, sunglasses, your first born, your mama, credit cards and Asians.
--1 train
Overheard by: Brina Guild
Nerd: You can tell how good a testing location is by the ratio of people to Asians.
--Line for SATs, Martin Luther King Jr. High
Guy, regarding VA Tech: It's not right -- Asians aren't serial killers. If they were, there wouldn't be so many people in China. [Friends stare silently.] What? Too soon?
I'm in my mid-30s, married mother of one, and lacking any discernible direction in life (still!). I got a library science degree and decided that grad school was so much fun that I'd do it again...and I'm more than a little crazy. If I remember I have this, it'll be an interesting show. Enjoy the ride!
