Crazy News Day

I am supposed to do my exit procedure tomorrow (whatever that entails), so I want to put these up quickly so I can actually get something accomplished today.

- A note to those wanting to commit insurance fraud: You don't go on living your life while you're supposed to be dead. Dead men don't visit doctors.

- When celebrating your birthday, drink in moderation so that you don't get busted for nude swimming, spitting on the rescuing officer, and then claiming to be Jesus.

- I've had some bad experiences at Denny's, but nothing to cut my arm off over.

- When visiting Shanghai, try not to jaywalk because they intend to humiliate you on T.V. and in the newspaper. It'll be like when the school paper publishes the names of places that get busted for serving minors alcohol, except that it won't have the bonus of telling you who sells alcohol that you weren't aware of before.

- I have just learned that a bowl of spaghetti is considered a "deadly missile" if thrown at a car. Good to know.

- There is a book called "These Aren't My Pants," about stupid criminals who have bad excuses (it's also in my LibraryThing feed), and apparently this teen tried to take a page out of this book when busted with a stolen debit card in his pants. The semi-plausible excuse would've worked...if it weren't for the fact that the debit card was lost at his place of work on a day he happened to be there.

- Oh, how cute! There's a beagle shoe bandit running around stealing shoes and dropping them off at the fire department. Cat burglars have nothing on this little guy who eludes capture (and strangely will run around with women's underpants on his head). Just adorable!

- Oh, how...creepy. A couple married in a funeral home. It's the husband's place of employment, and they didn't see it as any different from marrying in a church (but I could think of some differences). For some reason, I would've been less creeped out if they had done it in a cemetery, but I can't really argue with anyone's aesthetic these days.

- And just for the hell of it, here are people who should never hyphenate their names.

I'll finish it off with some random Overheard in New York quotes. Why? Because I closed all of my Not Always Right ones and wanted to end on a funny note.

Besides, having to write a letter of resignation to my boss kind of bummed me out and I would like to smile again.

California's Almost Far Enough

Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog?
Elderly woman: A treat.
Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat?
Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage.
Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?!
Elderly woman: Right. Go away.

--Thompson Square Park Dog Run

Overheard by: Klayton

via Overheard in New York, Sep 2, 2008
Who Says College Doesn't Prepare You for the Real World?
Frat boy: If you press your thumb hard in the middle of your forehead it stops your gag reflex for a minute.
Girl: Uhhh how do you know that?
Frat boy: I learned it at my frat, you can swallow a whole banana!

--Bryant Park

Overheard by: JC
via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008
She Who Dealt It, Felt It
Girl looking at abstract wall installation: Oh god. This is pure art. It really speaks to me.
Boy: What does it say?
Girl: (makes loud farting sound and walks away)

--Art Exhibit, Time Warner Building
via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008
Interestingly, Not All Were Bad Motherfuckers
Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker... (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know...not in the, uh, bad way.
Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.

--LIRR

Overheard by: bill
via Overheard in New York, Sep 2, 2008

Small Victory Against Protestors

The Cincinnati courts just upheld a state law which says that protesters at funerals need to stay at least 300 feet away. This means that the nuts from the Westboro Baptist Church can't be as obnoxious as they want to be during funerals.

I'm glad the ruling was upheld, but I'm bothered that there would be anyone out there who thinks that protesting the deaths of soldiers as God's way of punishing the U.S. for being tolerant of gays is a good idea. It's tacky, tasteless, and fails to get their agenda (which I do not support) across. I think God has better things to do than kill people to make a completely unrelated point. Besides, I don't think killing those in an intolerant system such as our military (Don't ask, don't tell, anyone?) for the country being tolerant makes any sense. Then again, I think too much. I should just be glad that protesters are forced to show some respect for the dead by court order.

News, glorious news.

Not much to report today. I've got some strange criminals, so I won't disappoint, but it's not a wealth of news (but still entertaining).

A quick note before I begin, I had my doctor's appointment today and while I'm not quite ready to drop it like it's hot, things are progressing faster than I thought. I'll spare you the details (1 centimeter dilated and some other technical stuff), but I've really got to get our house together before we're "surprised."

Well, here's the news, for what it's worth.

- A man claimed he was a porn inspector and demanded free porn to inspect that the girls were "of age" in the films. The police were called after the third time this guy tried this, so they're on the lookout for someone who thought being a bikini inspector just wasn't enough.

- Now how does this work? A man was arrested for being too close to his wife. A Batavian man was marrying his ex-wife when the police remembered that the ex had a restraining order filed against him. He's currently up on felony charges, and probably surprised that he's in jail when he just re-married the woman.

- Getting back into my comfort zone of stupid criminals, a man robbed a video store but left his driver's license and other "identifying materials" behind. Ha, ha! What a dumbass.

- Can you believe this happened in Japan? (yes). A man in a Winnie the Pooh costume beat up and robbed two people who dared to stare at him. Winnie and his friends (dressed as a mouse and panther, respectively) were wearing the costumes because they were out of clean laundry, but that still doesn't explain why they robbed the poor people.

- In a minor Olympic scandal, it has come to light that the little girl who sang at the Opening ceremonies was pulling a Milli Vanilli as she was lip-syncing for another little girl who was "too ugly" to put on TV. And there are people defending the decision because the Chinese feel that their worldly image is more important than anything else.

- If you hadn't already heard, there was a dumb-bum in Xenia, Ohio who decided to take a bubble bath in a Burger King sink, film it, and post it to his MySpace page. Well, needless to say, king moron was fired. He feels bad for others getting fired for their involvement (or lack of intervention), but he should feel bad for being dumb enough to tape it.

- And what about the crazy lady who had her dog Booger cloned overseas? There's evidence out there that suggests she's the same bat-poop crazy lady who kidnapped and raped a Mormon missionary back in the day. What's scary is that I actually recognized her for her past crimes, but I couldn't place where I had seen her until today. Stay away from that one, fellas, she's crazy!

That's it for today. It's time for another dash-to-the-finish bathroom break and time to bounce out of here.

I leave with a quote from Not Always Right ("Fighting Fire With Fire") about bad-assed kids (with a dumb father to match), and a quote from Overheard in New York that I liked just for being strange.

How Do You Get a Flyer Guy to Shut Up? Discuss
Flyer guy: Rainbow room! Discount admission! Observatory! Rainbow room!
(goth chick unbuttons her shirt)
Flyer guy: Rainbow room... Uh...
(goth chick reveals a Batman t-shirt)
Flyer guy, recovering: Discount admission! Observatory!
Goth chick (in menacing voice): I'm Batman.
Flyer guy: Rainbow room! Discount admission! Batman! We got batman in Gotham! Observatory! Rainbow room! Batman! Discount admission!

--Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Rose Fox
via Overheard in New York, Aug 12, 2008

Slow News Day

It took awhile just to find something worth posting today. The criminals have been behaving and people hadn't been too stupid...but patience paid off and here's what I've got.

- A man with a dumbassed tattoo of a cinema strip on his face was arrested for kidnapping and perpetrating a hoax by using a Play-Doh bomb in Priscilla's, a lingerie store known for being very brightly lit (which makes it all the more creepy). What? So I know about all the sex shops in town. What's your point? Anyway...

- A guy got busted with a strange bulge in his pants outside of a Wal-Mart, only to discover that the "bulge" was some stolen chicken. The bulge was outside the wrong store!

- This is why it doesn't pay to drink and drive: A woman got lost (and was drunk) and stopped at a home to ask for directions. Unfortunately, she stopped at the home of a sherrif's deputy who realized she was intoxicated and wouldn't let her leave. She added to her drunk driving charge a charge of attacking an officer but, in her defense, she was drunk and didn't know he was an officer, so I can't really blame her for resisting some strange guy who wanted to not let her drive home.

And a couple of "stupid teenagers" stories caught my attention.

- An 11-year-old wanted to wake up his girlfriend in the wee hours of the morning and learned that using a slingshot was a very bad idea. He's paying his mother back the $160 she paid to fix the window by going around and doing chores, but at least he has to tell everyone why he's asking to do odd-jobs.

At least his crime was one of passion.

- The 26 high school cheerleaders who got stuck in an elevator were all just too lazy to take the stairs and/or were too impatient to just wait for another elevator. Considering that a student died in an elevator incident at OSU over a year ago and I happened to miss an over-filled elevator when I was a Singing Angel that plunged six stories and stopped just inches from the basement floor, I am on the side of the University of Texas on this one.

And to round this out, here are two wild animal stories.

- The first is a Mexican woman who fought off a lion attack with a machete until it left her and her niece alone. This is what I call an impressive woman because I'm not sure I could've done this.

- The second should be called "The Trouble with Badgers" (sorry, Star Trek). Apparently, male mating badgers sound like women screaming, and one in particular resulted in a lot of calls to the police. Hopefully, they won't make the neighbors pay for the helicopter usage that resulted in finding the "randy badgers."

To finish this edition out, I'm including a couple of comic strips and an "Overheard..." quote. The Agnes comic shows my need for an optimistic friend to think that "screaming is fun", and the Pearls Before Swine entry is just too pathetic to pass up. One of Pig's most endearing lines was from a comic where Rat asked Pig if he knew why bad things happened to him. Pig's response was "Yes, I'm stupid" and I've loved him ever since.

This "Overheard" quote is in honor of the "homosexual" phraseology I used the other day. Enjoy.

Foot Corns Are So Heteronormative

(at the gay pride festival)
Girl handing out stickers: Do you want a sticker?
Lady with a lot of stickers on: Fo' sho I'll take a sticker... and a cheeseburger, and some ice for the corn on my right foot.
Girl (looking discouraged): Ew.

--Hudson & Jane St

Overheard by: Jessica

via Overheard in New York, Aug 7, 2008

News, Glorious News!

I'm doing this entry while on hold with the financial aid office. My hope is that I'll get through before they close their office at 4 (it's 3:47 now) so that I can get some answers to why I was sent two sets of paperwork. I have to get confirmation that I don't need to send in the paperwork from the first set because this university is known for its idiotic red tape...

Update: I got through and only one of the forms was absolutely necessary, but I was able to get my questions answered quickly (3:52) and before the office closed for the day.

Anyway, today's news has some stupid criminals, interesting animal stories, and even Paris Hilton made the page today. Let's get this rolling, shall we?

- A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting her husband with a frozen lasagna meal. Unfortunately, he apparently had an outstanding warrant and was also hauled off to the clink, but after having dropped a frozen brick of lasagna on my foot, she deserved to go to jail.

- Some jewel thieves were thwarted in their getaway when bystanders noticed their still-running car and turned it off and took the keys out to prevent them from driving away. They even put barriers around the car in case they had a spare set of keys. Needless to say, all three criminals were caught. Way to go, bystanders!

- I've had bad experiences at McDonalds and almost beat the crap out of a counter girl, but even I have shown better restraint than the guy who tore the shirt off of the drive-thru employee in a brawl because he believed his order was wrong and/or the wrong price (he argued both points with the guy). This guy got jailed because he was the aggressor, even though he claimed the employee struck first. Don't mess with fast food workers; they usually don't have anything to lose.

- And speaking of more people with anger-management issues, a 30-year-old landlord plowed a Hummer through a home because the tenants were late on their rent. Not exactly the best way to handle the situation...it's time to take a time-out and calm way the hell down before you blow a gasket.

- Some 25-year-old moron was clocked going 80 mph and blamed his speed and his drifting (he drove on the wrong side of the road) on text messaging (oh, and he was drunk, too). What made this article stand out so much is the featured comment where someone got angry that people said that banning texting while driving was unfair to the deaf community. This commenter's outrage fit the situation to a "t".

- Here's yet another (useless) tip to criminals; when you steal some rare coins from someone, make sure they're not the person you're giving them to at the bank the next day. You know, know the occupation of your victim so that you can avoid getting caught by them. Duh.

- Some 20-something woman thought that robbing a 71-year-old and his wheelchair-bound friend was a good idea and learned very quickly that she was wrong when the man chased her ass down and held her there with the wheelchaired friend until the police arrived. Better yet, just don't rob anyone. Pack it in, toots, because you suck.

- Now for something completely different, a set of goats snuck past the security on an NYC bridge. These "weapons of grass destruction" (not my pun, I swear!) were hired to eat the poison ivy and weeds off of a monument and managed to escape and go ABRIDGE (that's mine; sorry) for awhile.

- And an 111-year-old turtle has mated with a younger turtle for the first time in decades. He had no interest in mating due to a tumor on his genitals, but once that was removed he became the mack daddy to three turtles. Play on, player. Play on.

- And, finally, Paris Hilton made a video response to McCain's commercial slamming Obama as a celebrity with no leadership qualities. She credit's the old guy for saying she's ready to run the country and she even has her own solution for the oil crisis. The only irritating thing about this article is that McCain's spokesperson takes this opportunity to say that Paris has a better oil plan than Obama because she fused both of their plans together...but the spokesperson essentially says that she's following McCain's plan. Whatever.

To lighten the mood, I'm including a religious comic that fuses the church with Ghostbusters with humorous results. Since I want to get some work done today, I'm done for the this edition of the news.

And now that I can get a temporary disability permit to park in the non-blue spots due to being pregnant, finding a spot in the morning is going to be great. Now if I could only stay focused on work for more than five minutes....

Quick! 30cc of News, Stat!

I'm going to try to do this as quickly as possible because I want to eventually go home, but here is another post of quirky news stories. Before I begin, I wanted to mention my husband's dilemma with the church council meeting. We have been without a pastor for more than a year and while we have a good substitute, we are on the search for someone to be a more permanent replacement. He's on the committee and he thinks they may have found the right pastor for the church (it's a baptist church that is involved with the university and has done so for more than 100 years) but their dilemma is that he may possibly be gay and if they take him, it will get the church disfellowshipped (thrown out of their organization) and put funding in jeopardy). This man has done a lot of outreach with youth and could possibly be the right person to get us more involved with the university community and bring more growth to our church, but the committee is worried because it could be a huge gamble that could cause a rift in the church...but he may be worth it. Since I can't really know anything about the process and I know more than I should, they're going to pray about it and hope that God will tell them if this is the way they should go.

Anyway, here's the news.

- A nude intruder fell for a police trap as he was flushed out of a swimming pool and ended up in a bed of nettles. The cops found him by following the screams (ouch!).

- Proving that there's no honor among thieves, a man who stole a truck was carjacked while sitting outside of a convenience store. When the truck ran out of gas, the carjacker demanded that the thief get out of the truck and push. Needless to say, the thief took off and called the police(!) who caught the carjacker after a chase and a crash.

- From the WTF files, a woman who had just gotten busted in Britain for ripping off the tax system for over 900 grand in child tax credits claimed that a voodoo curse had made her do it and that this very same curse caused one of her children's fingers to fall off and she presented the fingers to the court as proof. Yikes.

- A turtle led to the discovery of a pot field in a forest. This turtle has been followed for a few years and when the researcher went out to look for him, she discovered the pot plants. Man, if you can't trust a turtle, who can you trust?

- In a two-for-one, here are two tales of how not to use 911. The first is the guy who called 911 because Subway forgot to put sauce on his sandwich and the follow up was that a man called to say that a slot machine stole his money. Both of this lugnuts are in Florida (what is going on down there?) and both have been arrested.

And now for the random rest:

- They have now gotten into the business of cloning dogs in South Korea. The first person to benefit from this is some loony American woman who thinks that the clones of her dog will be great service pets, even though "clone" does not mean that they will do the exact same things as her original dog did (who probably did it because of years of loving her and not some DNA programming thing).

- A farmer, annoyed by his neighbors who seem to act as if they didn't just buy homes next a farm, erected a three-car fence in his yard. His neighbors said they loved viewing his fields and animals but hated the flies and mosquitoes, they bitched when he was baling his fields because they didn't like the dust, and when he offered to split the cost of a fence they declined because they liked looking at his farm. He just wanted to remind them that they are living in a farm community. They need to STFU and deal with it.

- Policewomen in Germany will be getting bullet-proof bras which isn't as crazy as it sounds when you consider the damage that could be inflicted by underwire.

- And, last but not least, I really hope Morgan Freeman will be alright after his car accident.

After this past weekend, I have found a Pearls Before Swine comic that I can really relate to, as I would sometimes like a refund for calls I didn't enjoy.

Well, let's hope that my husband's committee get the answers they need. I'm out.

Illness, Drama, and News

I've been away for a few days [I still haven't mastered the EMBED function; I'll keep working on it] and while I won't be posting all of the news I wanted to put up here, I will eventually put up something. I've been battling a sinus infection, a lazy husband, and a crazy aunt who is ten seconds away from being told that she needs Jesus (a good-bad-ugly trifecta coming up).

Anyway, I went to the doctor for my appointment yesterday and the baby is over 5 pounds already. The baby is in the 75th percentile for weight at this point in the pregnancy, but since it's not in the 95th percentile there's nothing to worry about. And my doctor was worried that the baby wasn't gaining weight. That was the good news.

My husband drove me to the brink of insanity when he decided to wait until 7 to look up the address for the hospital we were to tour on Tuesday. He drives slowly (it takes me 20 minutes to do this drive since I work out this way) and we had to be there at 7:30, and I went ballistic in the car. I wanted to harm him and in a rare moment of restraint, he kept his mouth shut until we joined up with the rest of the tour [He out-talks me, so not talking was quite a feat for him]. Come to find out the tour guide thought the tour was supposed to start at 7:15, so while we were 4 minutes late, she started early...but she took the tour group through part of the hospital again for the late people (we were just the last ones there). I ended up calming way the hell down after touching these stones that were decorating a waiting room, and I told my husband after it was all over that he would've been decked if he had spoken on our way to meet the tour group. I know I have anger problems, but he's got lack-of-motivation problems that need to stop. That was the bad.

The ugly is courtesy of my crazy-assed aunt who has shown her ass by deciding that she will drive my mom and brother (and maybe my uncle, if I'm lucky) to the shower on Sunday, but she doesn't want to leave until 10:30 in the morning. It's a 2.5 hour drive if you're lucky (and I can do it in less but I drive fast) and the shower starts at 12:30, so you do the math. She didn't want to come down the night before, and she's going to make them miss everything by leaving very late to get there (trust me, this won't be a long shower). She's also saying I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't [I can't help it if God saw fit to endow me with an ample bosom], and it is sadly indicative of her not wanting anyone else to have something she didn't have. She's got to get whatever hate she has in her heart out of her before her daughter finally puts her in her place.

Well, dumbass drama aside, here's the news for today.

- A 36-year-old man took the drug war into his own hands when he went to a nearby town, impersonated an officer, and started doing random drug busts in people's homes behind the guise of Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. And the local police let him! What gives this story a special spice is that someone is trying to use this guy's story for a comedy. Really? Damn, Hollywood, it's time to close up shop.

- There's so much going on in this one: A 400-pound gambler is angry that he was ejected from the casino for being stinky. He had been gambling for 17 straight hours (that's healthy) and was told that his smell was bothering the other gamblers. When he tried to reclaim his seat after a bathroom break, he was ejected. When he demanded a free room to clean himself up in (seriously!), they (of course) said no. He wants an apology for being told that he stank in front of the other gamblers. No, honey, you should apologize to the other patrons and then invest in a shower, a diet, and counseling for your gambling addiction.

- Gotta love their moxy: Two men crashed a truck twice on the same street. It was like dodge'em cars, only with stupid drunk guys.

- Well, at least she taught her son well: A 10-year-old boy turned in his mother for making counterfeit money. He gave the police the money and told them that she also made fake ids which led to the investigation into her illicit activities. Somehow she managed to post $50,000 bail, but I hope they checked to see if it was real first.

- What a jackass: A man was using a stranded-by-the-roadside ploy to get free gas from good Samaritans. He would (kindly) park near gas stations so people didn't have to go too far out of their way and they would buy him a gallon of gas and the gas can. He got 4 of them before the police noticed him and nabbed him for being a jerk.

- Hey criminals! Here's a tip for you: If you're going to rob a shop, remember to take your cash with you. If you leave with less than you came in with, you lose, stupid!

- To all the drunks in Devon, if they catch you pissing in the streets, they will make you mop it up.

- For some reason, this guy wanted to get arrested and called 911 enough times to get his wish. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

- Why you would do this I don't know, but two guys got busted spray painting a Hollywood water tower. The only time spray painting is funny is in the best episode of Home Movies ever, "Director's Cut" (someone really needs to take the Franz Kafka musical idea and flesh it out, for real!). Tune into the 6:10 mark and you'll see what I mean:



The music in this episode is worth looking at all three parts of it, but my point is graffiti is only funny when overweight, jealous soccer coaches do it in cartoons.

- If you've got a home for an overweight kitty in New Jersey, the 44 pound tabby is available.

- Apparently, the world's oldest jokes center around bathroom humor. Who knew?

- And just for the hell of it, here's a really stupid television show idea that is, unfortunately very real. It might be time to cancel t.v. everyone.

And I'm going to close this edition out with an Overheard in New York set of one-liners. After the other day's "fur is murder" quote (which has surpassed the Taste The Rainbow one as my favorite of all time...not to be mistaken for these taste the rainbow moments), I'm going with one-liners from the conductors. Only in New York can you get this kind of insanity (God I LOVE this city!).

Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!

--E Train

Overheard by: cran

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.

--LIRR

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.

--V-train

Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... Keep on moving, don't block the aisles... There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.

--Metro North Train

Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!

--4 Train

Overheard by: Jamie

Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!

--NJ Transit

Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?

--A Train

Overheard by: Schechter


via Overheard in New York, Jul 30, 2008.

Peace! I'm out!

News Delayed is not News Denied

Yes, I should be ashamed of myself for that title.

Anyway, part of the reason why the Overheard stuff got posted first was because I needed to clear some of my Firefox tabs so that I could actually copy the stupid links for my news article. As I contemplate switching from Best Week Ever to The Soup as my daily celebutainment blog of choice, here are the items that were interesting today.

- Are there just not enough summer activities for teens these days? Two teenagers jumped a younger teen and stole his sandwich costume. Really? Was it just too hot to knock over a convenient store?

- I think a line from the police chief sums this one up best: "We want people to like our officers, but not to lick them."

- Apparently, you can grow too much medical marijuana. Even though this guy has a card approving of growing "medicinal use" Mary Jane, he had 35 mature plants and 8 immature plants, which is more than the 6 mature/18 immature plants he's allowed to have. Oh, and he got in trouble for having a 15-year-old help him tend the plants. Can't fail to point out the really bad part of this.

- I'm almost with the drunk on this one: A man shot his lawnmower because it wouldn't start. His defense? "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." After seeing his mug shot, who wouldn't want a piece of this? (nobody wants that!)

- That's just not nice. A 73-year-old gardener was unwittingly breaking the law when police discovered he was tending marijuana plants along with his begonias. The Dutch police are letting him get rid of the pot plants (probably planted by some neighborhood young people) while preserving his begonias, because they're cool like that. Just remember, it's legal to buy pot in coffee shops over there, it's just not legal to grow your own stuff.

- Here's a tip to the Nicaraguan thieves out there: If you're going to steal something from an exhibit on a poet, take his priceless manuscripts and not his ceremonial sword. Take the items that are worth something, okay?

- Most people may not find the sentiment in this, but I thought it was sweet: A UPS delivery man was taken on one last delivery when his friend and co-worker delivered the decedent to his funeral service in a UPS truck. It's not the craziest thing I've heard of, and I thought it was nice of UPS to allow that delivery to go through.

- Aww, poor kitty! A cat was brought into a fire department with its head stuck in a jar. The firefighters were able to lube the kitty out (I'm gross, I know), but nobody knows how long he's been in the Mason jar.

- Anyone familiar with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition should not be surprised about this story. A Lake City, Georgia family was facing foreclosure on their Extreme Makeover home. Considering that the show demolishes your home and builds you something so much bigger that it raises your property taxes, the mayor should not have been surprised that this happened. As it is, I'm surprised that this hasn't happened more frequently. It's a nice gesture, but paying someone's mortgage and giving them $100,000 isn't enough to offset the new costs.

- The tabloids aren't all bad. A UK politician had his stolen bike returned to him with the help of a tabloid magazine and neighbors in the area in which the bike was found.

- And because they haven't fixed the link on the site I found this on, this will have to do: A man has been busted for driving his vehicle with his wife on the roof. I know he was drunk, but what was she doing up there? The world may never know.

To close out today's post, here's the final word on Agnes' "normalization". When "the voices" say that this will last three weeks, you know the normalizing has been a success.

News, Intermittently

I was able to get my sister on her Greyhound bus back home without too much trouble. Apparently, she needs to learn how to read a map (and she might also need to get a compass) because she kept getting lost on campus. Now I know the campus is huge, but when you're supposed to be going to a building in the middle of campus and you walk the perimiter three times, it's time to stop and ask for directions. I'm just glad her mother called her while she was aimlessly walking about. When her mother asked her "Didn't they give you a map?" she replied with a gasp (not kidding) "Oh, so that's what that is." I love her, but that's just funny (and sad, and funny).

I haven't been feeling well lately, so my posts have begun to become less regular. I'm not sure when (or if) that will change anytime soon, so that's just the notice for everyone just in case people wonder why I'm not posting as often.

And before I begin my news posts, I have to 'fess up to something really embarrassing. I was sitting here starting this post when I saw this really big beetle/fly thing on my purse. I'm usually only squeamish around spiders (but that's because poisonous ones can get you), but because I didn't know what the hell it was, I kicked the chair the bag is on away from me and asked my cubicle-neighbor (and fellow intern) to help me with it. What I said was, "This may be the most bizarre request that you'll ever get, but I've got a bug on my bag and I'm freaking out about it." He collected it in a cup and went outside to free it in the grass. My guess is that this pregnancy has me on edge, but that bug got lucky; if I hadn't been afraid of it, I would've just killed it.

Anyway, on with the news. I'm including stories I read yesterday, so this will be longer than the usual fare.

- Here's one for all you drinkers out there who want to thwart the breathalyser test: White-out doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that crap can't taste all that good, either (but it can give you a wicked high if a crazy girl borrows it, colors a picture with the product over a 90 minute period and you're sitting downwind).

- Speaking of drunkards, how did this guy not die? A man blew a .491 on the breathalyser test. To give you perspective, a .5 is fatal, so how he managed to not keel over is beyond me.

- Torturing people with their allergies is not cool, but apparently this lady didn't get the memo. A woman tried to cram a peanut in her neighbor's mouth and taunted the woman with more threats of the peanutty kind. And she also vandalized her car, so this woman was not only being creative, she was mixing it in with run-of-the-mill stupidity.

- I want this guy's neighbors: A robber was trussed and presented to police after a man came home to a home invasion in progress. The other suspects got away, but the one man was hog-tied by neighbors armed with duct tape. Forget State Farm, these are the good neighbors I want.

- I wonder how this conversation went? "Hey lady, you forgot your daughter!" A woman was robbing a store and when she took off, she left her six-year-old behind. The husband was "genuinely surprised" to find out that his wife had left their daughter behind. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't surprised by this.

- This one goes in the "D'oh!" files: A man was caught after writing the bank robbery notes on the back of his personal checks. What kills me is this dink did this more than once!

- How do you know crime doesn't pay? When you're held on $500 bond for stealing 42 cents from a fountain.

- When does fraud not pay? When you try to get both a Home Depot and a restaurant to pay for your torn designer jeans and get busted for grand theft. Dude, if I had $1,500, I can assure you I wouldn't have spent it on a pair of jeans.

- I can't blame the police for this one: Police in England have taken to posting bogus emergency calls on YouTube in the hopes that people will stop calling with non-emergencies. I am sure they want to stop having conversations that end with such gems as "No, sir, it's not an emergency if your wife didn't leave you a meal. May we suggest you make yourself a sandwich before we come to arrest you for tying up emergency services?"

- Score one for the civilians: A police officer has to pay a fine for illegaly parking outside of a sushi restaurant. He claimed that he had the right to park there for emergency purposes, but stopping for sushi is not an emergency. And while Portland, Oregon officials will be asking for rule changes to allow officers to park illegally when going in for food or bathroom breaks, the lawyer who busted this guy feels he won one for the non-badge wearers out there.

- Leave bug killing to the pros, okay? A guy in New Jersey blew up his apartment while using bug spray. It ignited and destroyed 80% of his apartment. Bugs 1, New Jersey Man 0.

- How does one wrap their mind around a story like this? A maintenance man who was making $100,000 a year (how?) was living in an old paint shed rent free for three years. He was on the grounds of the psychiatric center that he worked for, and even had mail delivered there. He's being charged $2,500 for the time he lived there (nobody knew about it until the inspector showed up), but here's the kicker: He's now living with his wife(!) in a home three miles away. So apparently they like to have people working at psychiatric centers who should also be patients. That, and how do I get a $100,000 job doing maintenance?

- The mayor of Belmar, New Jersey, apparently doesn't want tourists to come to town anymore after making fun of Staten Island girls and talking about "guidos" who come to visit. When you thrive on tourist dollars, slamming your bread and butter in a newsletter is a banner idea.

- Hey lesbians! A court has ruled that you can call yourselves lesbians after all as the "did not define the identity of the residents of the island" and could be safely used by all of the Sapphic sisters of the world.

- For the crazy sister of mine that I'm not talking to, be careful during your Wiccan ceremony that you don't stab yourself in the foot with a ceremonial sword.

- Watch out in France, nudists, because the nudist colonies have the right to black list people.

- I was on the side of the doctor until I re-read this today: A woman is suing her orthopedic surgeon for placing a temporary tattoo on her abdomen while she was unconscious. He says he does this to make the patients feel better, and I was going to agree with that and tell her to lighten up until I realized that he's an orthopedic surgeon and shouldn't be anywhere near her abdomen.

- A rabbit resuced a family from a fire, proving that rabbits can be heroes too.

- And, finally, a judge has decided that there are some names that are too bizarre to be legal. A New Zealand judge ordered an eight-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name can be legally changed to something other than Talula Does The Hula (really). Some of the other banned names have been Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. And while others, like Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence have been given the green light, I'm glad that there is somebody finally telling parents to "please think of the children" (Mrs. Lovejoy of the Simpsons) when coming up with these dumbass names. Now if only they could send this guy out to Hollywood...

I cap this off with an Agnes comic strip where she is still trying to "normalize herself". I've given up on that and have chosen instead to embrace my insanity and put it to good use. Eventually.

Delayed, but Still News-worthy-ish

Sorry I've been gone for so long. After my anniversary, I got a call from one of my sisters asking for a place to stay for a couple of days for orientation. I immediately said "yes" so that I could force my husband's hand and make him actually help me clean the house (it looks better, but we can still do more). I have six other siblings (I am the 2nd eldest, and the oldest girl) and we haven't had that many of us graduate high school. My older brother (the one my dad thinks is retarded) graduated on time and had to fight to get out of LD classes (that my second step-mother had him enrolled in) to take his Proficiency test (which he passed!). I was the second one to graduate with a pretty good (3.5) average from a competitive private school. Three of my siblings ended up dropping out of school, and the two boys got GEDs while the girl spent 10 years going to "internet school" and only managed to graduate by having everyone else help her with her online finals. 6of7 (because a Borg name seems to be the mood I'm in today) is the first sibling to graduate high school since me (and that was 12 years ago), and she is going to be attending Ohio State with me (of all people). We ended up talking all night when she came to our place and just as I was getting ready to go to bed, the power went out in a thunderstorm (and I stayed relatively calm because I wasn't by myself in the house).

Other than finding out that this sister and I have a lot more in common than we knew (and we both agree that my father, now to be called Daddy Douchebag [thanks, sis!] has been going around trying to start trouble), I've been trying to not freak out that I'm going to have the baby early.

Now that I've (sort of) updated on why I haven't really posted anything, let's get on with the news.

- The police in Washington were able to find a couple of knuckleheaded robbers as they were found asleep on the stolen loot. There was even a "breadcrumb trail" of stolen bags and pillows leading to their sleep spot. I think it goes without saying that alcohol was involved (but they say it anyway). At least there are pictures!

- To steal a line from Animal House: "Being 13, in love, and stupid is no way to go through life, girl." This child ran away from home with her boyfriend and, after being arrested stole the police van as the driver had to stop for directions. This is one 13-year-old who won't be remanded to her parents.

- An example of how a small thing can become huge: A man stripped to his underwear and took off running from the police after a routine traffic stop. He was spotted later in the day with clothing on, but he finally gave himself up when he tried to swim away and got tired. You're license was suspended (and you had misdemeanor drug charges), and now you may have felony alluding charges. Moron.

- These guys deserve jail: Two men have been sentenced after setting a passed-out friend's crotch on fire as a prank. I'm pretty sure second degree burns on testicles is absolutely hilarious. This is why there should be an IQ test to be allowed to drink.

- A Connecticut woman, recently fired, tried to get her boss' electricity cut off by using a friend's computer to set it up. The plan failed when the boss was called to confirm that he wanted his electricity off. Maybe there was a reason you got fired...

- This just sounds like something from a Cheech and Chong movie, doesn't it? A man was arrested for smoking pot in an ice cream truck. He claimed he was off-duty and waiting to pick his kids up from daycare. Along with the pot, he had also been drinking (no!) and was promptly arrested.

- An Indiana pastor broke his wrist when his motorcycle got away from him during service. I don't know what he was trying to convey with the motorcycle, but I'll bet he won't be doing that again.

- And just for fun, here's a link to a McDonald's contest finalist who spent 12 years in jail for robbing a McDonald's and is now trying to win their new Big Mac jingle. Also, a "mystic normalator" might be just what I need (with the same results as Agnes).

That's it for today. Since I'm going to be at work for awhile longer, I'll actually get something done (for once). Peace! I'm out!

Mixed-Bag News Stories

Today's stories are all over the place. Apparently, crazy things are going on all over the world, and not just with the criminals (but they have kept busy). As I try to figure out the order I'm going to proceed with, I'll just throw it together and see if it holds. Let's get started.

- A woman was shocked when she discovered that the man robbing her pizza store was her father. Her father, mother, and husband(!) were planning a robbery (that the husband says the victim was unaware of), but the husband thought they were going to hit a convenience store and not the store where his wife worked.

- A brain-addled Brit has been banned from posting his videos on YouTube because he was sharing all of his criminal exploits on the website. The article calls him the country's most brazen criminal, but I don't know what I'd call him. Other than stupid.

- A drunk woman tried to bribe the police with money and sex to get out of a drunk driving arrest. Let's just say this plan didn't work.

- A man pulls a triathlon as he biked, swam, and ran away from the police who still caught him anyway. He gets points for creativity, but loses ultimately for getting caught (and being a dumb criminal in the first place).

- Three Romanian boxers who had been banned from boxing for life for shoplifting in Chicago had their sentences reduced to a year. This really wasn't that interesting now that I think about it, so I don't know why I'm posting it.

- I am probably the only person who wouldn't have been bothered by this at my graduation: A man has been told he has to apologize for dressing up like a penis to the entire town for being offensive. I get that what he did was wrong, but I'm not as hung up about it as anyone else would be. My high school graduation was so dry that anything disruptive would've been appreciated.

- This is rather cute: An 11-year-old now tracks people's speeds with a toy radar gun that actually records people's speeds. Going 55 in a 25 mph area is too fast, but I don't like the fact that the city will only put in speed humps if the residents will pay for half of it.

- An air hostess dug a Kit Kat wrapper out of the trash (that she had thrown away 2 hours prior) and won a trip to the Earth's upper atmosphere. Sometimes a person can have that Willy Wonka experience and get something cool. Good for her!

- This would've been so cool on video: A couple in a Latvian apartment survived a lightning strike that destroyed their glass dining room table. Their table top had turned into dust, and I would've loved to have seen that even if thunderstorms freak me out.

- But who would want them? Seattle is selling its 5 self-cleaning toilets due to the illicit activities that would take place inside. So far, no bids have been placed on any of the systems (and at $89,000 to start, I am not surprised).

- To end this edition, I looked around for the best link on this guy who represents the ultimate in irony. A man, who was going to meet a 14-year-old for sex, was busted wearing a World's Greatest Dad shirt. This article, courtesy of The Smoking Gun (which, btw, has the best show on Tru TV featuring stupid criminals in clips, and famous celebrities/former stupid criminals giving their two cents which airs every Thursday at 9 pm) also features other "bright bulbs" in tragically hilarious shirts.

I was wrong about my bad luck: The hat I bought for my husband actually arrived yesterday, but I haven't opened it to see if it's going to work. I really hope he likes what I got him this year.

I can't believe it: Eight years ago I was a 22-year-old student running home from a Statistics class to be forced to try on five dresses just to wear the first one I put on and was driven downtown to get married in front of my grandmother, mom, uncle, and two ladies whose job it seemed was to sit there and watch people get married all day. After celebrating with a cake in my apartment, my family went home, my new husband fell asleep and I talked on the phone with one of my girlfriends for six hours. I went to school the next day with a professor asking me why I was in school after getting married. My response? "I'm paying for it, so I'm going to show up." We didn't have a honeymoon (didn't really want one and couldn't afford it anyway) and while we did have a wedding the next year (complete with a trip to Cedar Point the next day before going back to work that Monday), this is the anniversary that means the most because it's the real one.

And while I know he probably will never read this, I just want to say that I love you and thank you for putting up with me all these years. We've managed so far with just the two of us, so I think we can handle being parents together (but the poor kid is going to have some weird parents). I look forward to the many years ahead (even if I don't always act like it). I love you, Matt.

News All Over The Place

Before I begin with a complaint about today's news (it feels like I've been complaining about it lately), I just had my doctor's visit today and everything seems to be doing well. The baby's heart-rate is at a strong 130, and while I haven't gained any weight in two weeks, my measurements seem okay, but I'm having a third ultrasound to check for the baby's size. Apparently, growth size is a problem for children of asthmatic mothers (and the bad air is the reason why I spent the weekend feeling like crap). It's hard to be excited about this experience when I just feel overwhelmed and sad all the time. And the baby shower e-vite has netted a better response than expected (so far I have two no's for people who are or will be out of state, and two maybes) because I expected to either not hear from anybody or get all no's. There's no good way to write a plural of no without it being wrong, so I'm stuck using the apostrophe.

Today's stories go all over the place. There are some dumb criminals, interesting celebrity stories, and some head-scratcher stories.

And may I suggest a song to get you into a better mood? It's "Last Time" by Gnarls Barkley from their St. Elsewhere album. It is one of those songs that I have to get up and dance to every time I hear it. Which is a problem when you work in the land of cubicles where the walls don't go all the way up to hide what you're doing, but the baby likes it and it makes me feel a lot better while it's on, so I say give it a shot.

Anyway, on with the news.

- Some criminals just can't catch a break! A Los Angeles burglar ran into a mess of trouble while trying to get away from the cops. He was jumping fences and was prevented by a dog to go any further, another dog chased him, and then he smacked his face into the edge of a roof. Man, it sucks to be you (ha ha!). This article has video, so enjoy the bonus.

- Another hapless criminal got what was coming to him when he robbed a pizza place and got knocked the hell out by a 17-year-old employee. Sometimes its not smart to smack angry people, or they will free the beast all over you.

- What a way to start your first day on the job: A police officer, fresh out of the academy and on his first day on the job, had his squad car wrecked within the first 29 minutes on the job. A drug head hit his car, and the poor guy was heartbroken. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

- This one will get away, but that's alright: A bear broke into an electronics store, but was scared away when he set off an alarm in a nearby restaurant. This sounds like it should be the start of a joke, but I'm tapped out at the moment.

- I sometimes wonder if anyone checks before they send bills: A dog got a $142 phone bill from Verizon Wireless because he had the same name as a customer on the other side of the country. Just because the dog has a credit card (seriously) doesn't mean he also has a cell phone. Now about that American Express....

- From the gross files comes this tale of rats the size of softballs (eww) invading homes in Florida from the yard of an abandoned house. I don't even want to imagine seeing something like that. At all.

- A man who refuses sewage service may be facing jail time. He doesn't want to receive any public utilities and is willing to go to court over being forced to tap into the sewage system. Whatever floats your boat, gramps.

- In the spirit of the traveling gnome, a woman's ceramic dog has been returned with photos from his trip. She thought the dog "was lost and gone forever" (sorry Clementine), but someone decided that it needed a trip because the weather in Oregon was too rainy. I wish someone would take me on a trip.

- My celebrities will get combined because I feel like it (I guess). Have you seen Helen Mirren lately? I mean look at that body! I try not to think about how she's never had children, but I was never going to have a body like that even if I never became a mother. Besides, missing out on motherhood is her loss. Now if I can get myself to buy that, we'd be set. But in sad news, Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C. I really wish her the best as this disease most likely was the result of her earlier years of drug abuse.

That's it for today. Tomorrow's my eighth wedding anniversary, but I'll probably post something during my usual time (@ work, of course). Since I seem to be an unwitting member of the church of Murphy, the gift I ordered online won't get here until Friday and I won't be able to find that damn book he said he wanted when I go to the mall today. Oh well, have a good one everybody.

Today's News and Quotes

Today's news encompasses dumb criminals, lucky people and animals, and some random quotes from my favorite quote site. The things that people are willing to do these days....

- An idiot criminal broke into an apartment in Brooklyn came back to the scene of the crime because he left his wallet behind and it just so happened that the apartment's occupant returned as the guy was trying to break back in for his property. The police picked him up as he was shoving the stolen money under the door in exchange for his wallet. Dumbass.

- Apparently, some people haven't gotten the memo that joking in the airport about having a weapon in your suitcase can get you in a ton of trouble. The German man and his wife were refused entry on the plane even after it was discovered that the mysterious cylinders were from umbrellas.

- How did he pull this off? Some guy in Brisbane robbed a service station (successfully, I might add) with a florecent light bulb. Did he come up with this with a cartoon thought bubble over his head, taking the bulb out and committing the robbery with it? Unbelievable that he actually got away with it.

- This one I'm actually on the fence about. A man in New Jersey was arrested for having a display of porn, a naked Barbie doll, and a thong on a platter in his car in a rest area. The reason I'm not 100% against the criminal is because I don't freak out that children will see this stuff. He claims that he was in the process of moving, but because it looked like he had this stuff on display, he was kind of asking to get in trouble. It's one thing to have it in your car and you forgot to cover up a video, but it's another thing to have a virtual shrine to porn in there. Why are they looking in his car anyway? Mind your own business.

- A woman who planted a dead rat in some restaurant and tried to extort the place for $500,000 is facing one felony count of extortion. It was discovered that the rat was 1) a lab animal and 2) had been microwaved (the restaurant in question didn't use microwaves in their cooking process).

- A woman smacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat because he wouldn't stop using drugs. They're both in trouble, but I hazard a guess that she is not in near as much trouble as her cocaine smoking beau.

- A 77-year-old grandmother pinned down a fox that attacked her and held it down until help arrived. She's recovering from her injuries, but I just thought it was really cool that she stood her ground with the rabid animal. My grandmother would've been 77 in February, and I could've seen her doing this.

- Talk about lucky: A koala was hit by a car and carried for seven miles in the grille and managed to survive. That's one tough koala.

To finish this out, I'm including some Overheard in New York quotes that either had great titles, or were ones I could really relate to (it'll make sense in the end, I promise).

New York Is Like a Performance Art Installation That Never Closes
Crazy guy eating in deli: You know, 200 years ago, people wouldn't be able to get anything they wanted from this place... They'd have to go hunt for food.
Clerk, pretending to be amused: Oh, really?
Crazy guy eating in deli (really excited): And you know what?! There used to be cats screaming all night long until the Chinese food places came around (laughs to himself) but not anymore!

--27th & 6th

Overheard by: Karl
via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008
Wasn't She the Deaf and Blind Girl with the Miracle Worker?
Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank?
(silence)
Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary?
(pause)
Mother: I mean, I've read about the holocaust, but I don't know any specific authors.

--Smith & Sackett, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: David
via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008
Army Recruiter: We've Got Your Dream Job

Male student #1: It's not easy.
Male student #2: Nothing is easy. (pause) Some things are simple.
Male student #1: Oh, sure.
Male student #2: But nothing is easy. (pause) I have no idea where I'm going.

--NYU Campus

Overheard by: zelda

via Overheard in New York, Jul 15, 2008
It's a Vicious Cycle
Hipster guy: I am always so embittered.
Hipster girl: I know, and I hate it.

--13th & 2nd

Overheard by: Slammy
via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2008
I Tried Them Once, But I Kept Getting Stuck to the Fridge
Not-so-chubby girl: Dude, I'm so fat.
Ordinary girl: No you're not. You just got a little belly.
Not-so-chubby girl: Yeah...I wish I had fat magnets so I could put them in my bra. It would suck up all my fat and make me go up a cup size.
Ordinary girl: Wow. And I always thought plastic surgery was the only option.

--NYU
via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2008

I can relate best to the third and fourth ones because I seem to hate everything lately (and I can't stand it anymore), and I have had those spacey conversations where you have no idea what you're trying to say and really need someone to help you stop.

I've got a special post coming up later about a philosophy I came up with last year that really needs to be spread. Later, gators.

Slow News Day

Apparently, even the criminals were taking time off to bask in the glow of Brangelina's twins with the semi-jacked up names (I think I called them Knox Berry Farm and Vivian Leigh somewhere) because I didn't find that much to report. So, I'm going to end this with a bunch of comic strips that I found funny. I'm not well, so don't expect my A-game material. Let's get this started.

- A drunk young man ransacked the house of a woman he didn't know and growled at her after ripping the sheets off of her and her baby. I know that some people become surly drunks, but this is going way too far.

- Apparently, taking a cab from the scene of a crime can buy you some time after all. Especially after they've caught you and you manage to slip away. I'll have to keep that one in mind.

- A botched drug bust led to a bunch of McDonald's patrons being terrorized by the masked policemen as they try to capture a drug dealer who escaped to the bathroom. The plan was supposed to be to get the guy as he was leaving, but he forgot his milkshake and went back for it, realized what was going on and high-tailed it to the toilet. Too bad he wasn't smart enough to flush the drugs.

- How many times are people going to steal police cars before they all figure out that it's a very bad idea? I keep running into this story so often it's becoming tiresome.

- Easiest way to get busted after a robbery? Be drunk and chatty. Oh, and rob someone who you know. That helps, too.

- I have a younger sister who collects Barbie dolls, so I wonder if she'll be getting Barbie's tribute to The Birds Hitchcock film. If she does, she won't be getting it from me.

To close out today's post, I have here the best from Non Sequitur, Curtis, and Sinfest. The Non Sequitur comic asks how long can one ignore reality and get through life, Curtis' trusting friend lives in a world with rose-colored glasses and Sinfest shows how I feel sometimes when I miss church.

And Now, To Change Gears...

After getting some much-neeeded advice after yesterday's breakdown (and I can't thank you enough, David and Dan), I'm resuming the "news" portion of the blog. Since I want to go home soon, I'm going to go through these as fast as possible.

- Another idiot got arrested for trying to buy crack when he was robbed trying to buy the drugs.

- A man managed to escape from the police after a high-speed chase, but by leaving his cell phone behind, he'll be caught soon.

- This man is up on felony charges after trying to bribe the cops, then stealing (and crashing) a police cruiser, and then trying to get a family to help him after he invaded their home. Considering that he was up on misdemeanor charges before all this began, he's in the running for dumbest criminal of the year.

- While this guy is only being held on concealed weapons charges, the police found human teeth, rope, and sonogram images among his belongings in a search.

- The Concorde can get no love: A truck rammed the nose of the Concorde and it fell off! They can fix it, but it's still another patch of bad luck for the retired plane.

- A goat was arrested for jumping on a Mercedes. The dog, however, just went along for a ride.

- A guy tried to rob a bar with a cheese grater.

- A dumbass is currently in jail for delivering pot and LSD-laced cookies to over a dozen police stations care of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Yes, MADD is mad about this.

- Apparently, if you have a friend who talks too much in Germany (and 30 hours straight is too much), you can successfully call the police and have the person taken away. The key is to not call 911 like the gentleman from Monday's post.

- In serious news, the Black Panther who was sentenced to over 30 years of solitary confinement for killing a guard (based on the testimony of a convicted rapist) has had his conviction overturned.

- In sad news, there will be no charges brought against the hospital where a woman died in the LA hospital emergency room last year from burst intestines. The report says she would've died anyway. Nice.

- A Japanese Toyota autoworker died from overworking. He put in 80 hours of overtime a month, among other things, and his family will be able to get compensation from the company over this ruling.

- And in simply-to-piss-me-off news, OK Magazine interviewed Jamie Lynn Spears about raising a baby and she talks about how great it is, how she wants to be a soccer mom, and how her mother told her to follow her instincts when it comes to parenting. Damnit, this is still a child. Quit glorifying teenage parenthood with talk about how the delivery was perfect and that the child doesn't cry and all that other shit. I just want to beat her ass for not keeping her mouth shut.

To lighten the mood (and because it was sweet), I am posting today's SinFest comic about friendship.

Stupidity: It's Not Just For Criminals Anymore

I've found several articles today with stupid criminals, stupid judgements, and stupid world leaders. Let's get started, shall we?

- I can't believe this happened again, but do not, I repeat do not send your pot via FedEx. It will be your luck that they will send your 200 pounds of pot to the wrong person, then go and arrest you when it's found. And you don't even get to smoke it.

- It makes me glad that people are stupid, because I'd be bored without them. A moron who uploaded a video of himself and his dad tasing each other with a stolen taser is going to prison after the girl he showed it to called the police. Kudos to the girl for turning the 22-year-old in for being an idiot.

- Here's yet another story about a guy calling 911 for non-emergencies who ended up getting arrested. If your friends are being annoying, don't call 911; either throw them out or call the local police number (I have my local number memorized, but 645-4545 is so easy to remember who couldn't recall it?).

- Won't somebody tell this idiot to shut up? Our beloved president shouted out "Yo Harper!" to the Canadian Prime Minister while attending the G8 Summit. There are some people you can't take anywhere, and he's one of them. [P.S. I feel icky for calling that "man" beloved.]

- Apparently, they're still mad at him: A guy ripped off the head of a wax Hitler at the wax museum. The museum promised to not glorify Hitler (still a sore subject in Germany, naturally) and showed him the way they think he looked before his suicide in 1945, but it still wasn't enough for the second visitor in the museum.

- I know I'm impatient, but damn! A first class passenger who was angry to see the economy boarders leave before him decided to leave through the emergency hatch. He was released on bail, but will face charges because it doesn't pay to be in a hurry.

- Stay out of Oniontown, indeed. Two teenagers were attacked by a group of young people for visiting Oniontown, a place that has been ridiculed in YouTube videos as being backwards and poor. The people there are telling visitors to stay away, and you don't have to tell me twice.

- Here's a story of a judge that got it right. A woman who felt that she was discriminated against by a retailer won a Five Thousand Pound judgment. She said that the retailer was nice to her over the phone but got really cold when she finally met her, and doubted her abilities despite 14 years in the fashion industry. The final verdict was that they felt that the woman hadn't proven 100% that she was discriminated against, but the former employer didn't offer a satisfactory explanation. Considering that when my uncle was sent to private school in the 1980s, he was in honors courses until the headmaster saw he was black and pulled him out of all of those classes [but he graduated high school at age 15, so go figure], I know how hurtful this can be to someone.

- Here's a story of a judge who got it wrong OR What the hell is the other 58%? A judge ruled that Pringles are not a potato snack and exempt from a huge tax as a result. They say that Pringles are only 42% potato, which frightens me as to what the rest of it is, but it's a windfall for Proctor & Gamble.

- Stand by your cat (with a tip of the hat to Tammy Wynette). A woman who went to trial in 2006 to keep from having to euthanize her cat has had the charges dropped against the feline. The owner kept the cat under house arrest for two years and it seems that the neighborhood is willing to let the cat live now that it doesn't terrorize the area.

- The best and the worst right here! Here's an article of honest-to-goodness traffic ticket excuses. I might have to use the "late for church" one to see if it will work, but I've never gotten a break on the two speeding tickets I've gotten [Yes, only two in my entire driving career], but it's worth a shot to try to sound crazy. That, or use the excuse from this Funky Winkerbean comic.

- These are being combined because I only just found them before finishing this entry. Starbucks is doing poorly, and people are relishing in the bad news and two idiots got arrested for growing cannabis in a cemetery.

- Saving the best for last, I think I found what I want for my anniversary. A couple in Portugal is continuing their area's tradition of fashioning ceramic penises. Dude, I so want a pitcher from these people.

Grab 'em, and grow everyone!

This is just sad

There has been a lot in the news about a missing 12-year-old girl, and it has just come out that her body was found and that her uncle may be charged with her murder. Yes, this is the uncle who is the registered sex offender who took her to a store right before her disappearance. He claimed that she was going to visit a friend in the hospital, but initial investigative reports turned up that she was meeting someone from MySpace and had run off. Here's the thing though; it turns out the uncle set up the MySpace messages to make it appear as if she were meeting someone online, and he is accused of planting her clothing and a bag of semen (what?!?) to make it look like an abduction.

How fucking demented can you be that you would go to that much trouble to throw off the police from finding your niece that you happened to have killed because she wouldn't get involved in your child sex ring? This should sicken anyone, but it bothers the hell out of me because of how much effort went into this. It wasn't enough to try to victimize her, but you kill her and make some internet person the bad guy.

Part of this is my rage that this happened to anyone, and part of it is rage from the years I had to endure my aunt's [now] ex-husband's "doings", but I want the worst thing that could happen to him to occur in as many horrific ways as possible right now. Death would be too good for this guy. I want him to suffer.

I hope they put him under the jail if they can find enough evidence to convict him. Sick bastard.

News! Morons! Hilarity Ensues!

Okay, so I can't guarantee the last part (because that implies that I remember what all of these articles said and I usually don't), but after a day off to recuperate (more or less), I'm back to post again. I want to keep these brief for readability and because I really need to get more work done than I've accomplished lately. My boss would happen to be in the office today, and I can hear him talking to other people...so I'm paranoid that he's going to catch me not working and that I'll be too stupid to not be honest about it. Here goes.

- It's time for another lesson for stupid criminals [why do I bother?]: If you are going to rob someone, don't sell their belongings in a yard sale down the street from them.

- Another reason why being a robber isn't what it's cracked up to be: I would be embarrassed if I managed to steal an ATM, but couldn't get the money out and had to abandon it. What would make you think that these things would be easy to crack? Oh, that's right; stupid criminals don't think. My bad.

- The quickest way to not get your dog back is to steal the new owner's cat and hold it ransom for your dog. Sorry, you lose on this one.

- I didn't know this many people thought so highly of themselves: To keep up with the spirit of selling yourself legally (the illegal is coming up next), a New Zealand man is selling his soul on an auction site. Why do people think things that happen on The Simpsons are emulateable?

- Speaking of "illegal" selling of self, a Kentucky woman has been arrested for trading sex for gasoline. The killer in this story is that she's also being charged with "doing business without an occupational license," as if she could actually get a license to prostitute to avoid this charge. I know that times are tough, but damn.

- At least he was wearing something: A man was chasing some burglars out of his home (with a shotgun) when he realized that he was just in his boxer shorts. I wish there had pictures. :-)

- I get the kid's point of view, but what's the deal with the mother? A boy has been busted for stealing a police cruiser twice because he has an interest in law enforcement (good luck with that, kid). But what gets me is that his mother knew about both incidents and didn't see a problem with a 13-year-old stealing a police car. The po-po didn't even know about the first theft. Fortunately, the mother is also up on charges for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, also known as the being-a-dumbass charge.

To close this out, I'm including this week's Tom Tomorrow cartoon "William Kristol is the Shameless Supervillain: The Propagandist"

Edit: I just stumbled upon this little gem while looking up some district in Cyprus (my job is so much fun), so "please to enjoy" [with a nod to Joel McHale of The Soup], a news story from The Onion:


Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

The Strange and the Baffling

Here are today's news stories. I feel like crap, so I don't know how creative I'll be with these things.

- A man was doing a bad drag impression by walking down the interstate wearing a thong, fake boobs, and a wig.

- A couple was caught skinny dipping in the reservoir, and since this water is not filtered before it gets in people's homes (eww), they almost had to throw all of it out. Almost. So, eww squared.

- A woman is seeking $30,000 in damages when her home was mistakenly demolished. She thinks it's fair compensation because all of her belongings were inside. This happened to someone here, but it wasn't a mistake; the demolition people waited until he left for court to get the injunction (that he received), but I don't know if they ever paid him for destroying everything illegally. Why colleges (or cities for that matter) think they can get away with this is beyond me.

- The Swedes have been good to me for the second day straight: A drunk man tried to row home from Denmark and fell asleep in the stolen boat along the way. At least the boat owner won't be pressing charges.

- Seriously, can't people just not talk to each other? This guy was so annoyed with a conversation in a ferris wheel that he climbed out of the car while it was moving and had to be talked back down.

- This was cute: A giraffe helped a bunch of animals escape from the circus. It's always the kids who want to go, and the animals who want to leave.

- I've got two "stupid teenager" stories. The first is a teen girl who bit her mother over a cell phone. If your phone is like crack to you, maybe you shouldn't have broken curfiew. The second tale involves a 14-year-old who pushed an old man off of a dock because "he thought it would be funny." Well, ha-ha dumbass, because now you get to sit in jail (which you deserve; especially since you used your one phone call to brag to a friend about being a jackass). Stupid teenagers.

- And now for more serious news: the missing 12-year-old's stepfather has been arrested on molestation charges. He had been molesting a female relative that wasn't the missing girl for the past five years, and this is the second arrested relative in this case. Her uncle (a registered sex offender) was picked up the day before. I think one of the posters on abcnews.com may have been onto something when they said that she might be better off away from these people (but still alive, of course).

- This is disturbing, because it's happened before: A woman dies on the waiting room floor and is ignored by everyone in the NYC hospital waiting room for a full hour. Several staff members have been fired, and the union ones are going through procedures to end in the same terminated fashion as those not in the union for leaving this psych patient alone and falsifying reports that she was "fine" when she was, perhaps, already dead. Earlier this year, a woman died while in an emergency waiting room in California because she was accused of being a drama queen for coming in several days in a row. When her family asked the police to intercede on her behalf, they arrested her and didn't notice that she had died until the officer ordered her to get in the car and she didn't move. I wasn't scared of the hospital before these stories, but they do make me incredibly nervous.

I don't like ending these in a somber mood, so I've got a quote from today's Overheard in New York that I'll end with.

You're Kidding Yourself If You Think Those Things Don't Matter

Account executive: So, who'd you vote for?
Creative director: Obama, he's got cool logos.

--New York Ad Agency, Midtown

via Overheard in New York, Jul 1, 2008