Crazy News Day

I am supposed to do my exit procedure tomorrow (whatever that entails), so I want to put these up quickly so I can actually get something accomplished today.

- A note to those wanting to commit insurance fraud: You don't go on living your life while you're supposed to be dead. Dead men don't visit doctors.

- When celebrating your birthday, drink in moderation so that you don't get busted for nude swimming, spitting on the rescuing officer, and then claiming to be Jesus.

- I've had some bad experiences at Denny's, but nothing to cut my arm off over.

- When visiting Shanghai, try not to jaywalk because they intend to humiliate you on T.V. and in the newspaper. It'll be like when the school paper publishes the names of places that get busted for serving minors alcohol, except that it won't have the bonus of telling you who sells alcohol that you weren't aware of before.

- I have just learned that a bowl of spaghetti is considered a "deadly missile" if thrown at a car. Good to know.

- There is a book called "These Aren't My Pants," about stupid criminals who have bad excuses (it's also in my LibraryThing feed), and apparently this teen tried to take a page out of this book when busted with a stolen debit card in his pants. The semi-plausible excuse would've worked...if it weren't for the fact that the debit card was lost at his place of work on a day he happened to be there.

- Oh, how cute! There's a beagle shoe bandit running around stealing shoes and dropping them off at the fire department. Cat burglars have nothing on this little guy who eludes capture (and strangely will run around with women's underpants on his head). Just adorable!

- Oh, how...creepy. A couple married in a funeral home. It's the husband's place of employment, and they didn't see it as any different from marrying in a church (but I could think of some differences). For some reason, I would've been less creeped out if they had done it in a cemetery, but I can't really argue with anyone's aesthetic these days.

- And just for the hell of it, here are people who should never hyphenate their names.

I'll finish it off with some random Overheard in New York quotes. Why? Because I closed all of my Not Always Right ones and wanted to end on a funny note.

Besides, having to write a letter of resignation to my boss kind of bummed me out and I would like to smile again.

California's Almost Far Enough

Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog?
Elderly woman: A treat.
Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat?
Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage.
Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?!
Elderly woman: Right. Go away.

--Thompson Square Park Dog Run

Overheard by: Klayton

via Overheard in New York, Sep 2, 2008
Who Says College Doesn't Prepare You for the Real World?
Frat boy: If you press your thumb hard in the middle of your forehead it stops your gag reflex for a minute.
Girl: Uhhh how do you know that?
Frat boy: I learned it at my frat, you can swallow a whole banana!

--Bryant Park

Overheard by: JC
via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008
She Who Dealt It, Felt It
Girl looking at abstract wall installation: Oh god. This is pure art. It really speaks to me.
Boy: What does it say?
Girl: (makes loud farting sound and walks away)

--Art Exhibit, Time Warner Building
via Overheard in New York, Sep 1, 2008
Interestingly, Not All Were Bad Motherfuckers
Guido father to daughter and her gay friend: He was a real cocksucker... (realizes gay friend might be offended) But you know...not in the, uh, bad way.
Gay friend: Oh, believe me, I've met plenty of bad cocksuckers.

--LIRR

Overheard by: bill
via Overheard in New York, Sep 2, 2008