Sunday, September 21, 2008

New Mama Blues

Tonight is the first night I am on my own with my little girl. That means that I am responsible for dealing with waking up to feed her on top of hooking up to a machine so that I can feed her without using formula, and I am not handling this well. I haven't had to change many of her diapers, and I'm terrible at swaddling her, so let's just say I'm not confident in my abilities at this point.

However, the biggest issue is how I'm handling things emotionally: badly.

I thought that the two weeks that my husband spent off of work would be spent at home. He did that, for the most part, but he also went out with his friends to the movies yesterday (our last night before life resumed), went to a beerfest last weekend, and got to role-play with his friends on several occasions. It's only an issue because I don't have any friends in town to turn to, and I don't want to call my co-worker unless it becomes absolutely necessary, and he was convinced that bringing my mom down here wouldn't be helpful because she wouldn't do anything. But I feel as if she could've been of some support to me, because I feel very alone trying to do something that feels about as natural as fire-breathing.

On the upside of everything, I've gotten a new laptop, so I can finally get online without having to be in the baby's room. I am hoping that this will allow me to feel a little more connected to the world and less isolated.

The only thing that keeps me from worrying myself to death about my family's ongoing issues is my daughter, which I guess means I have some sort of bond to her, even if it doesn't feel like it's really there.

As I'm writing this, I have her right next to me and she's just looking at me. She seems pretty content with me (and I really don't get why), but I am going to finish this up so I can turn the computer off and interact with her.

I have orientation tomorrow, so I am hoping to get some rest before I have to be up in the morning. We'll see how I get through the first night and go from there.


3carnations said...

Wow...Your husband going to a beerfest during maternity leave...Well, that doesn't impress me much. I figured new dads on paternity leave would do just that...savor every moment and help the mom.

I hope things start looking up. Do you have a local church? Maybe there's a mommy's group that you can go to to get away and be around other moms and babies for support?

Dan said...

Kick your husband in the balls for me. This is a time for the two of you to bond with your new baby. As for last night, I am sure you did just fine. I am sure you are an amzing new mommy!


David Dust said...

Darling -

Don't worry about your mommy abilities and instincts ... although I have no firsthand knowledge of this, I would bet that things become more natural as time passes. I have a feeling that most first-time Moms go through the same thing.

Think about it this way - that gorgeous little girl of yours is healthy and happy thus far. So you GOT to be doing something right! Congratulations on your success.