New Mama Blues

Tonight is the first night I am on my own with my little girl. That means that I am responsible for dealing with waking up to feed her on top of hooking up to a machine so that I can feed her without using formula, and I am not handling this well. I haven't had to change many of her diapers, and I'm terrible at swaddling her, so let's just say I'm not confident in my abilities at this point.

However, the biggest issue is how I'm handling things emotionally: badly.

I thought that the two weeks that my husband spent off of work would be spent at home. He did that, for the most part, but he also went out with his friends to the movies yesterday (our last night before life resumed), went to a beerfest last weekend, and got to role-play with his friends on several occasions. It's only an issue because I don't have any friends in town to turn to, and I don't want to call my co-worker unless it becomes absolutely necessary, and he was convinced that bringing my mom down here wouldn't be helpful because she wouldn't do anything. But I feel as if she could've been of some support to me, because I feel very alone trying to do something that feels about as natural as fire-breathing.

On the upside of everything, I've gotten a new laptop, so I can finally get online without having to be in the baby's room. I am hoping that this will allow me to feel a little more connected to the world and less isolated.

The only thing that keeps me from worrying myself to death about my family's ongoing issues is my daughter, which I guess means I have some sort of bond to her, even if it doesn't feel like it's really there.

As I'm writing this, I have her right next to me and she's just looking at me. She seems pretty content with me (and I really don't get why), but I am going to finish this up so I can turn the computer off and interact with her.

I have orientation tomorrow, so I am hoping to get some rest before I have to be up in the morning. We'll see how I get through the first night and go from there.

...this sucks

I am feeling a little sous le météo today, so I'm not sure what I'm going to end up posting or when. I found some more articles, but I'm going to have to wait and see if I can come up with witty reparté to go with it. I'm just glad I'm going to be going home early.

I'm more worried about my asthma than anything else right now (because the baby is up to its usual kicks, so that's not a worry) because my back has been very tight lately, making it harder to breathe.

And I'm mad at myself because I was going to do a new recording for The Sims SingStar last night, but I heard the sirens go off at 11:30 before a severe thunderstorm hit hard in the area. The sirens prompted me to go online to find out that we were under a tornado warning, and I ended up spending part of my night in the bathroom.

I hate to admit this, but one of the things that manages to scare me is a thunderstorm. I hate hearing the thunder, seeing the lightning crack near my window freaks me out, and I'm always afraid that the power is going to go out. I know a lot of people who love thunderstorms, but they all turned out to be afraid of needles so they can't lord my fear over me. My husband called me from work to make sure I was O.K. and I sounded even more like a baby than when I was by myself.

I don't like to show any signs of weakness, but I've not been able to get through a thunderstorm without being at least a little scared. I would even wake up just before one would hit, and I can sleep through just about everything else.

Hopefully, I'll feel better soon.