I've got an ass-ton of work to do between now and the end of the quarter (I believe everything has to be turned in by December 8th. Fun.), but I wanted to take a little time out to mention something that happened to a friend this weekend.
A friend of mine was mugged off-campus this weekend. The assailant broke a bottle over his head and stole his wallet and cell phone. He got stitches and spent some time in the emergency room, but he's okay now (at least that's what the woman who called to tell me about it said). The credit cards were all canceled, so all this jerk got was $1, but I worry about my friend because I was his mentor when he was in high school [I essentially made it okay for him to be himself, and he broke out of his shell] so I hope he'll be okay emotionally after this.
I've got an article to read before I go to bed. I finally got Devi to sleep, so I lost about two hours of productive study time. I've got to finish my article for my second class and put in some work on my projects before Thanksgiving. I still haven't spoken to my mom or uncle in awhile and we wanted to bring them down for the weekend for Devi's dedication [Baptists don't baptize their babies; they dedicate them]. I did speak to my dad yesterday and he thinks that I can be the "voice of reason" and talk some sense into the two of them (again, whatever that means). It was kind of nice talking to him, but he did pull a Daddy Douchebag maneuver by being genuinely surprised when I said that I had a ton of homework to do because he must have thought I wasn't going to go through with going back to school after all. He paused, said "You did say you were going to go back to school. Hmph. You're more resilient than I thought."
Trust me, dad, I'm more resilient than you could ever imagine.
Anyway, another brief note: The three of us (Devi, Matt and I) had photos done last weekend and my daughter was so cute in her photos! I won't get what we purchased until December 8th (or when I actually am free to do non-academic things), but if you're curious to see what the photos look like, let me know and I can tell you the code so that you can look at them.
I've got to go. That article isn't going to read itself. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Unexpected reaction
I was watching the 100 Greatest Hip Hop Songs of All Time that I had recorded while waiting for my daughter to fall asleep (yay, growth spurts) when the song Tennessee by Arrested Development came on. I had no idea that the song was a prayer written by the lead singer after his grandmother and brother passed in the same week. The chorus is something that I never put much stock into, until now:
Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan
Hearing that song made me think about my grandmother, and how her death has resulted in so many things going wrong for my family. It's what happens when a linchpin is pulled out of a system: the system fails.
That, and reading Beth's blog about her mother's death made me think. I am glad that she got to be there for her mother's end; my grandmother went so quickly that there wasn't time for anyone to be with her in her last moments. I have been thinking about her more and more over the past month, and it's almost like I'm being haunted by memories. I can remember her laugh, and her favorite purfume (Liz Claiborne), and the two gold rings she used to wear that had to be put on her pinky finger because she was too swollen from the medicine that they gave her in the hospital.
I think about her and I get angry. My mom and uncle have been without electricity and a telephone since August and it's getting cold. My uncle had an infection in his right hand that kept him in the hospital from Monday through to Thursday and I was worried that he wouldn't be able to afford his prescription medicine. The will has some vague wording that could allow Aunt Krayzee to force a sale of the house from right under them leaving them in the street and while my father-in-law wants to help them with the utilities, my uncle's pride is getting in the way and he won't talk to him. I dread getting phone calls from home because it's never good news. My uncle is feeling demoralized because he can't find a job and he still goes out walking everywhere in the hopes of getting something. My mom has unrealistic expectations of how much help we can give her [When she told me that it was going to cost ~$600 to turn everything back on, I mentioned that I sent a check and she asked me if it would be enough to cover the cost of turning their stuff back on, but I don't have $600 to give away.] I never realized that the excess stress was making me sick, but there's not much I can do about it.
I try not to think about my grandmother, but since my uncle's birthday is tomorrow, of course she's going to come to mind.
I think about her and I get very sad.
And to think, today started off so well. I even got a positive response from my professor today because I said something that showed that I'm finally getting this graduate-level stuff. She said "excellent point". It was like winning a prize. I've got to get back to my homework. She's finally asleep, so I'd better take advantage of the down time.
Life's not fair and the world's not fair. I understand that, but it doesn't make the pain less real.
Take me to another place
Take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me
Let me understand your plan
Hearing that song made me think about my grandmother, and how her death has resulted in so many things going wrong for my family. It's what happens when a linchpin is pulled out of a system: the system fails.
That, and reading Beth's blog about her mother's death made me think. I am glad that she got to be there for her mother's end; my grandmother went so quickly that there wasn't time for anyone to be with her in her last moments. I have been thinking about her more and more over the past month, and it's almost like I'm being haunted by memories. I can remember her laugh, and her favorite purfume (Liz Claiborne), and the two gold rings she used to wear that had to be put on her pinky finger because she was too swollen from the medicine that they gave her in the hospital.
I think about her and I get angry. My mom and uncle have been without electricity and a telephone since August and it's getting cold. My uncle had an infection in his right hand that kept him in the hospital from Monday through to Thursday and I was worried that he wouldn't be able to afford his prescription medicine. The will has some vague wording that could allow Aunt Krayzee to force a sale of the house from right under them leaving them in the street and while my father-in-law wants to help them with the utilities, my uncle's pride is getting in the way and he won't talk to him. I dread getting phone calls from home because it's never good news. My uncle is feeling demoralized because he can't find a job and he still goes out walking everywhere in the hopes of getting something. My mom has unrealistic expectations of how much help we can give her [When she told me that it was going to cost ~$600 to turn everything back on, I mentioned that I sent a check and she asked me if it would be enough to cover the cost of turning their stuff back on, but I don't have $600 to give away.] I never realized that the excess stress was making me sick, but there's not much I can do about it.
I try not to think about my grandmother, but since my uncle's birthday is tomorrow, of course she's going to come to mind.
I think about her and I get very sad.
And to think, today started off so well. I even got a positive response from my professor today because I said something that showed that I'm finally getting this graduate-level stuff. She said "excellent point". It was like winning a prize. I've got to get back to my homework. She's finally asleep, so I'd better take advantage of the down time.
Life's not fair and the world's not fair. I understand that, but it doesn't make the pain less real.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
What I've Learned This Week
Since I have an ass-ton of work to do, I'll try to keep this brief. What have I learned this week?
- Do not mention Journalism to Anthropology grad students. For some reason, it really pisses them off, even if you are not saying that they do the same type of work.
- That I can take 5 credit hours of "independent study" if I feel too overwhelmed.
- That there is an e-mail group on campus for students and faculty into comics, which may be helpful towards my degree.
- Someone finally understands me when it comes to the odd way I learn things [I tend to focus on details that are not important to anyone else, but because I do that, people assume I don't understand the big picture (but I do) and treat me as if I'm stupid as a result.]
- I'm a sucker for cute guys who sell magazines.
- Apparently, I am so stressed out about everything that I've developed vertigo and have had an upset stomach for about two weeks (I just didn't put two-and-two together).
Unfortunately, I don't have time to go into the details right now, but I'm hoping to get some work in on my projects as well as finish all of my reading for two of my classes today. Lofty ambitions, yes, but it has to get done today since my mom has a tendency to call on Mondays before class, which throws off my ability to get my studying done.
On the plus side, I got to buy some new jeans in a smaller size today. I'm pretty sure my husband got more out of my fashion show than I did (he always does). Peace, I'm out!
- Do not mention Journalism to Anthropology grad students. For some reason, it really pisses them off, even if you are not saying that they do the same type of work.
- That I can take 5 credit hours of "independent study" if I feel too overwhelmed.
- That there is an e-mail group on campus for students and faculty into comics, which may be helpful towards my degree.
- Someone finally understands me when it comes to the odd way I learn things [I tend to focus on details that are not important to anyone else, but because I do that, people assume I don't understand the big picture (but I do) and treat me as if I'm stupid as a result.]
- I'm a sucker for cute guys who sell magazines.
- Apparently, I am so stressed out about everything that I've developed vertigo and have had an upset stomach for about two weeks (I just didn't put two-and-two together).
Unfortunately, I don't have time to go into the details right now, but I'm hoping to get some work in on my projects as well as finish all of my reading for two of my classes today. Lofty ambitions, yes, but it has to get done today since my mom has a tendency to call on Mondays before class, which throws off my ability to get my studying done.
On the plus side, I got to buy some new jeans in a smaller size today. I'm pretty sure my husband got more out of my fashion show than I did (he always does). Peace, I'm out!
Friday, October 17, 2008
I'm Not Alone
I spent some time on campus today meeting with people in my department to get a morale boost (and a gift of a crocheted hat for Devi from another student), and I actually walked away from the experience feeling a lot better about what I'm doing. I don't really understand the theories that we're supposed to learn, but at least now I'm comfortable with knowing that I'm not going to get it right away. Now if I could just get a handle on the homework/readings/writings/projects I'm supposed to accomplish, we'll be in business.
One thing I've not had a chance to mention (I don't think) is that I've actually lost weight and have been losing since the birth. This doesn't sound that extraordinary except that I weigh 18 pounds less than I did before I got pregnant, so I'm really happy about it. What I need to do now is incorporate more exercise than just my treks across campus, because I'd like to lose even more weight. I just have to remember to buy a belt so that I can keep wearing my pants until I can afford to buy new clothes.
Just think - I'll be able and motivated to use my new Mommy and Baby pilates DVD soon, so I'll get to exercise and bond with Devi. Neat!
But first, homework!
One thing I've not had a chance to mention (I don't think) is that I've actually lost weight and have been losing since the birth. This doesn't sound that extraordinary except that I weigh 18 pounds less than I did before I got pregnant, so I'm really happy about it. What I need to do now is incorporate more exercise than just my treks across campus, because I'd like to lose even more weight. I just have to remember to buy a belt so that I can keep wearing my pants until I can afford to buy new clothes.
Just think - I'll be able and motivated to use my new Mommy and Baby pilates DVD soon, so I'll get to exercise and bond with Devi. Neat!
But first, homework!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Pictures, at last!
This is the moment you've all been waiting for. I finally have pictures from Devi's first five weeks for your viewing pleasure. The other people in the pictures are as follows: Matt, his father, my mother, his mother, and his brother. I don't think anyone else appears in the pictures, but if they do, I'll amend this entry.
So to Uncle David and the rest of my readers, I hope you enjoy the slideshow!
EDIT: In case anyone is worried, the plastic bag in the background was nowhere near her and is no longer on the floor.
So to Uncle David and the rest of my readers, I hope you enjoy the slideshow!
EDIT: In case anyone is worried, the plastic bag in the background was nowhere near her and is no longer on the floor.
Apparently, Crazy is How Things Are Supposed to Be
I didn't expect to go this long without posting, but in trying to keep up with everything, some things just didn't get done.
Matt got better at being supportive. He's still struggles with the little things from time to time, but he's really stepped up and takes Devi out of the house every once in a while to give me time to study. He did apologize for the whole beerfest thing, so I didn't have to whip him. Yet.
Grad school is kicking my ass. I don't feel like I'm falling behind; I just feel outclassed since so many people in my classes know a lot more theory behind Comparative Studies than I can ever hope to know. What unfortunately happens is that I fall apart every time I'm left alone to take care of her at night, because all studying ceases because she wants all my attention...and that wouldn't be so bad if I could just get things done ahead of time, but today was one of those days where things just didn't get going like they needed. At least I have time before class tomorrow to finish up what I didn't get done today.
I have to get a ton of reading done each week and each class has a major project that I have to accomplish at the same time. My confidence was just not there for the first couple of weeks, but after deciding to change my attitude and not accept defeat before I even began, I've gotten a little better at being a student. I had to cart my child to campus last week because I had to meet with a professor before our doctor's appointment, and that went better than expected.
Since I have a crying child to tend to, I'm going to have to wrap this up. My feeding issues got a little better (we only have to supplement half of her feedings with formula), and I had to experience the joys of manual pumping in the bathrooms on campus (I now have a travel machine pump that I am going to have to experiment with on campus, but if it means I can feed her with my own supply, I am willing to put up with it).
I am hoping to get up to writing once a week, so we'll see how it goes.
On the plus side, I finally uploaded my pictures, so the next post will be a slideshow. Goodnight, everyone.
Matt got better at being supportive. He's still struggles with the little things from time to time, but he's really stepped up and takes Devi out of the house every once in a while to give me time to study. He did apologize for the whole beerfest thing, so I didn't have to whip him. Yet.
Grad school is kicking my ass. I don't feel like I'm falling behind; I just feel outclassed since so many people in my classes know a lot more theory behind Comparative Studies than I can ever hope to know. What unfortunately happens is that I fall apart every time I'm left alone to take care of her at night, because all studying ceases because she wants all my attention...and that wouldn't be so bad if I could just get things done ahead of time, but today was one of those days where things just didn't get going like they needed. At least I have time before class tomorrow to finish up what I didn't get done today.
I have to get a ton of reading done each week and each class has a major project that I have to accomplish at the same time. My confidence was just not there for the first couple of weeks, but after deciding to change my attitude and not accept defeat before I even began, I've gotten a little better at being a student. I had to cart my child to campus last week because I had to meet with a professor before our doctor's appointment, and that went better than expected.
Since I have a crying child to tend to, I'm going to have to wrap this up. My feeding issues got a little better (we only have to supplement half of her feedings with formula), and I had to experience the joys of manual pumping in the bathrooms on campus (I now have a travel machine pump that I am going to have to experiment with on campus, but if it means I can feed her with my own supply, I am willing to put up with it).
I am hoping to get up to writing once a week, so we'll see how it goes.
On the plus side, I finally uploaded my pictures, so the next post will be a slideshow. Goodnight, everyone.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
New Mama Blues
Tonight is the first night I am on my own with my little girl. That means that I am responsible for dealing with waking up to feed her on top of hooking up to a machine so that I can feed her without using formula, and I am not handling this well. I haven't had to change many of her diapers, and I'm terrible at swaddling her, so let's just say I'm not confident in my abilities at this point.
However, the biggest issue is how I'm handling things emotionally: badly.
I thought that the two weeks that my husband spent off of work would be spent at home. He did that, for the most part, but he also went out with his friends to the movies yesterday (our last night before life resumed), went to a beerfest last weekend, and got to role-play with his friends on several occasions. It's only an issue because I don't have any friends in town to turn to, and I don't want to call my co-worker unless it becomes absolutely necessary, and he was convinced that bringing my mom down here wouldn't be helpful because she wouldn't do anything. But I feel as if she could've been of some support to me, because I feel very alone trying to do something that feels about as natural as fire-breathing.
On the upside of everything, I've gotten a new laptop, so I can finally get online without having to be in the baby's room. I am hoping that this will allow me to feel a little more connected to the world and less isolated.
The only thing that keeps me from worrying myself to death about my family's ongoing issues is my daughter, which I guess means I have some sort of bond to her, even if it doesn't feel like it's really there.
As I'm writing this, I have her right next to me and she's just looking at me. She seems pretty content with me (and I really don't get why), but I am going to finish this up so I can turn the computer off and interact with her.
I have orientation tomorrow, so I am hoping to get some rest before I have to be up in the morning. We'll see how I get through the first night and go from there.
However, the biggest issue is how I'm handling things emotionally: badly.
I thought that the two weeks that my husband spent off of work would be spent at home. He did that, for the most part, but he also went out with his friends to the movies yesterday (our last night before life resumed), went to a beerfest last weekend, and got to role-play with his friends on several occasions. It's only an issue because I don't have any friends in town to turn to, and I don't want to call my co-worker unless it becomes absolutely necessary, and he was convinced that bringing my mom down here wouldn't be helpful because she wouldn't do anything. But I feel as if she could've been of some support to me, because I feel very alone trying to do something that feels about as natural as fire-breathing.
On the upside of everything, I've gotten a new laptop, so I can finally get online without having to be in the baby's room. I am hoping that this will allow me to feel a little more connected to the world and less isolated.
The only thing that keeps me from worrying myself to death about my family's ongoing issues is my daughter, which I guess means I have some sort of bond to her, even if it doesn't feel like it's really there.
As I'm writing this, I have her right next to me and she's just looking at me. She seems pretty content with me (and I really don't get why), but I am going to finish this up so I can turn the computer off and interact with her.
I have orientation tomorrow, so I am hoping to get some rest before I have to be up in the morning. We'll see how I get through the first night and go from there.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
All's Quiet On The Home Front
I was given orders by my husband to make time to blog today, so while he is out enjoying Beerfest, I am sitting in front of the computer keeping an eye on my little girl as she sleeps. I found my charger buired on my desk, because there was apparently a place that even my uncle feared to tread, and while I have been taking more pictures, I still haven't had time to upload them yet. I am going to wait for my husband to get back so that he can watch her while I get that ordeal over with [It takes awhile to get the program to do exactly what I want, and I have to decide what service to use for uploading the pictures so that my in-laws can download them]. I also have a cute photo from my f-i-l that I want to scan, but I have to clear the scanner off first before I can even pretend to get that done.
I have no idea how the rest of my family is doing these days. I can't reach my mom or my uncle, I'd rather not speak to my aunt (who proved that she has a listening problem when she called the night of the inducement to say that she didn't know if I had had the child or not), and my brother is trying to do his own thing so I'm not going to bother him for now. I am not as stressed out about them as I was before Devi came along and that's because she is now priority. And while I do feel as if I've let everyone else down [How, I don't know], I don't want to let her down. It's been a struggle to breastfeed her, so I have to spend my days hooked up to a machine every two hours...but because it's for her, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.
And one of my former co-workers came over to see us today. I called her last night and was out-of-sorts because Matt decided that he had to go to one of his games with his friends and left me with a crying baby for several hours, so she offered to come over and gave us some helpful advice and is willing to babysit and take her on an occasional weekend because she loves babies. I am going to ask her to come over next weekend to help us with her first non-sponge bath; I'll feel more at ease and she'll get a kick out of it, so it's a win-win. It was extremely helpful to have a mother figure helping out, and I don't know if I'll be able to thank her enough (you know, besides paying for the babysitting).
I know I should be trying to sleep now because she's currently out like a light, but I wanted to drop a quick line while I had the chance. And now I will be on the lookout for a portable washing machine because we could really use one, and the one that we have that works is too much hassle to use (it's an egg-shaped washer that has to be hooked up to the sink and can only be hooked up to the sink upstairs). The first one I owned was great because it was a simple bucket-style washer with an agitator, but the agitator broke and I couldn't fix it. If I can find another one, I'll be in 7th heaven.
If I can get my hands on a good, used laptop, I'll be able to get online more often without having to come into the baby's room. Hopefully, we'll know what financial aid I'll be getting very soon. So I promise Uncle David Dust and everyone else that pictures will be up soon, but I've just got to start getting my balancing act down first.
I have no idea how the rest of my family is doing these days. I can't reach my mom or my uncle, I'd rather not speak to my aunt (who proved that she has a listening problem when she called the night of the inducement to say that she didn't know if I had had the child or not), and my brother is trying to do his own thing so I'm not going to bother him for now. I am not as stressed out about them as I was before Devi came along and that's because she is now priority. And while I do feel as if I've let everyone else down [How, I don't know], I don't want to let her down. It's been a struggle to breastfeed her, so I have to spend my days hooked up to a machine every two hours...but because it's for her, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.
And one of my former co-workers came over to see us today. I called her last night and was out-of-sorts because Matt decided that he had to go to one of his games with his friends and left me with a crying baby for several hours, so she offered to come over and gave us some helpful advice and is willing to babysit and take her on an occasional weekend because she loves babies. I am going to ask her to come over next weekend to help us with her first non-sponge bath; I'll feel more at ease and she'll get a kick out of it, so it's a win-win. It was extremely helpful to have a mother figure helping out, and I don't know if I'll be able to thank her enough (you know, besides paying for the babysitting).
I know I should be trying to sleep now because she's currently out like a light, but I wanted to drop a quick line while I had the chance. And now I will be on the lookout for a portable washing machine because we could really use one, and the one that we have that works is too much hassle to use (it's an egg-shaped washer that has to be hooked up to the sink and can only be hooked up to the sink upstairs). The first one I owned was great because it was a simple bucket-style washer with an agitator, but the agitator broke and I couldn't fix it. If I can find another one, I'll be in 7th heaven.
If I can get my hands on a good, used laptop, I'll be able to get online more often without having to come into the baby's room. Hopefully, we'll know what financial aid I'll be getting very soon. So I promise Uncle David Dust and everyone else that pictures will be up soon, but I've just got to start getting my balancing act down first.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
We're home!
Thank you, again, for all of your comments and well-wishes! We were released from the hospital on Saturday and the three of us have been trying to get to know each other better ever since. Other than the nightmares of breastfeeding (it is really, really hard), the drugs I have to take to get better due to a sudden onset of high blood pressure after the birth (and the need to take ibuprofen at regular intervals), and my two-week ban on driving, it's been...interesting. I'm trying not to worry about how bad I am at this, but she's cute (which surprised the daylights out of me) and seems to like us, so I think we're off to a good start.
Here's the thing on pictures: since I can't find my charger for my camera (one of the many "casualties of misplacement" due to the cleaning that transpired earlier), the only pictures that are available are from the hospital's website. If you go looking for babies born on September 4th, you'll find her. There are seven images for your viewing pleasure, so there are at least some pictures available. My f-i-l sent us the pictures he took and I may upload the scans if it comes down to it.
I don't know how often I will blog from now on, but I'll try to keep up with it as best as I can.
Matt and I are sleeping in shifts at night, so I'm typing this while she sleeps nearby, and I will get him up around 4 after yet another feeding.
I really hope I can find my charger because I have some great pictures I'd like to share. But since Devi's trying to wake up, I've got to go. Later, gators.
Here's the thing on pictures: since I can't find my charger for my camera (one of the many "casualties of misplacement" due to the cleaning that transpired earlier), the only pictures that are available are from the hospital's website. If you go looking for babies born on September 4th, you'll find her. There are seven images for your viewing pleasure, so there are at least some pictures available. My f-i-l sent us the pictures he took and I may upload the scans if it comes down to it.
I don't know how often I will blog from now on, but I'll try to keep up with it as best as I can.
Matt and I are sleeping in shifts at night, so I'm typing this while she sleeps nearby, and I will get him up around 4 after yet another feeding.
I really hope I can find my charger because I have some great pictures I'd like to share. But since Devi's trying to wake up, I've got to go. Later, gators.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Live from Dublin Methodist Hospital
It's a girl! 7 pounds, 9 ounces.
Devi Cassandra arrived at 3:10 this afternoon after being induced @ 9 last night. Pictures will follow once we get home.
I'm really tired and don't have much to say that wouldn't either gross someone out or make me look like a mini-superwoman (I didn't scream [epidural], but I told them to hurry up and get my doctor because I knew I was going to get done early).
Unfortunately, I only have a dozen channels, not one of them being Bravo, but since I was given a sleeping pill, I would've missed it anyway.
Since this is the slowest internet connection I've ever used, I've got to go. Thanks for your well wishes.
Devi Cassandra arrived at 3:10 this afternoon after being induced @ 9 last night. Pictures will follow once we get home.
I'm really tired and don't have much to say that wouldn't either gross someone out or make me look like a mini-superwoman (I didn't scream [epidural], but I told them to hurry up and get my doctor because I knew I was going to get done early).
Unfortunately, I only have a dozen channels, not one of them being Bravo, but since I was given a sleeping pill, I would've missed it anyway.
Since this is the slowest internet connection I've ever used, I've got to go. Thanks for your well wishes.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Last Pre-Baby Post!
I saw my doctor this morning and I am still slated to be induced tonight(!) at 8 p.m., and I'm finally getting a little excited about it.
Yes, I'm a terrible human being who is the last to get on the happy train...but with all of my apprehensions on being a parent, just see this as a breakthrough.
I even called my dad and Krayzee last night to let them know what was going on. Dad was going to try and get here tonight [NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] and Krayzee's voice mail picked up, but I let them know what was going on and that's all that matters.
We decided to have a last-night-as-a-couple dinner at Fado's, an Irish restaurant, and Matt asked them to set up something special for us. They decorated a little area with pink and blue balloons and streamers...and I was surprised when I saw them because I was sure this was for someone else. We had a nice dinner and then went to Target to load up on last-minute items for the baby as well as food for us (thank God for gift cards, 'cause we're broke!).
I almost didn't make it in for my last day of work because my blood pressure was too high. I told my doctor it was because I had gotten angry with my husband for pulling all of the baby clothes out of the room without letting me take pictures of everything so that I would know who gave us what (and we were late to the appointment; it was a whole comedy of errors). She checked it again and said that since it was lower, I will just come in tonight.
I had to write a letter of resignation yesterday and today I met with the VP and my supervisor, who both had very nice things to say and wanted to wish me well. I know that I want to keep up with people from this company in case I'm on the market for work, because I can get some recommendations as well as (possibly) a position with this company again. It is a great place to work, and I'm going to miss being here. Maybe someday I'll be in our databases as an author, and I think that would be really cool. :-)
The last things I need to do are to pack up my belongings to take home, and to photograph the office/desk for things to remember once I'm on my way out the door. I'd say something a little more poetic, but I'm rather tired and can't really think of anything.
Since this will most likely be my last post until I get home, wish me luck. I will get online as soon as I am able to give an update once this is done. Take care, everyone!
Yes, I'm a terrible human being who is the last to get on the happy train...but with all of my apprehensions on being a parent, just see this as a breakthrough.
I even called my dad and Krayzee last night to let them know what was going on. Dad was going to try and get here tonight [NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] and Krayzee's voice mail picked up, but I let them know what was going on and that's all that matters.
We decided to have a last-night-as-a-couple dinner at Fado's, an Irish restaurant, and Matt asked them to set up something special for us. They decorated a little area with pink and blue balloons and streamers...and I was surprised when I saw them because I was sure this was for someone else. We had a nice dinner and then went to Target to load up on last-minute items for the baby as well as food for us (thank God for gift cards, 'cause we're broke!).
I almost didn't make it in for my last day of work because my blood pressure was too high. I told my doctor it was because I had gotten angry with my husband for pulling all of the baby clothes out of the room without letting me take pictures of everything so that I would know who gave us what (and we were late to the appointment; it was a whole comedy of errors). She checked it again and said that since it was lower, I will just come in tonight.
I had to write a letter of resignation yesterday and today I met with the VP and my supervisor, who both had very nice things to say and wanted to wish me well. I know that I want to keep up with people from this company in case I'm on the market for work, because I can get some recommendations as well as (possibly) a position with this company again. It is a great place to work, and I'm going to miss being here. Maybe someday I'll be in our databases as an author, and I think that would be really cool. :-)
The last things I need to do are to pack up my belongings to take home, and to photograph the office/desk for things to remember once I'm on my way out the door. I'd say something a little more poetic, but I'm rather tired and can't really think of anything.
Since this will most likely be my last post until I get home, wish me luck. I will get online as soon as I am able to give an update once this is done. Take care, everyone!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Things are nuts all over
How do I start this one? Well, for starters, I took my mom and uncle back home on Sunday...but didn't anticipate that sending them back home would be such a big deal to one of them. So now I carry a huge amount of (unjustified) guilt because my mom got the idea in her head that they would be here until after the baby was born when all we wanted was for the two of us to have our final days alone before the baby gets here (and to not end up in the poorhouse trying to feed 4 adults). My inducement is scheduled for 8 p.m. Wednesday (tomorrow), but I still intend to come to work that day just to finish things out. That, and the VP who is also in charge of my department wants to meet with me briefly. I'm always paranoid that it's about slacking off or something, so I don't know what that will be about until after it's over. We got the crib assembled near 3 a.m. today, so I didn't help myself any by forgetting to check when my alarm was supposed to go off. So instead of getting up at 9, I woke up at 11. Whoops.
Anyway, to make this make more sense, I'll flesh things out. The original plan was to have my uncle come down for a week to help us set up the house before the baby gets here, but when their utilities got cut off, we brought both him and my mother down for the week. When I mentioned on Friday that we were thinking of taking them up this weekend, she got upset and said "I at least want to see the baby", to which I responded "Of course you're going to see the baby. You'll be coming down with one of his parents to see it." She then proceeded to cry and cause me a great deal of grief and anxiety because I felt bad that she was upset but, at the same time, they needed to go home. My uncle did a spectacular job of cleaning the house, but sometimes I feel as if I'm playing a losing game of hide-and-seek when things get moved around because I can't find anything, and my family has a tendency to throw things away arbitrarily or re-arrange things on what seems like a whim to me. That, and one of my glass unicorns got broken (and we suspect that another one was thrown away...these things aren't exactly cheap). I have an unusual attachment to objects mostly stemming from being around people who throw away everything, and because my things are the only thing in my control (change and instability unhinge me because it has never been a good thing in the past). My unicorns all have a special meaning because I buy one every year at the Ohio Renaissance Festival, so I noticed right away when my shelf was rearranged and one of the 'corns was down...only to discover that it had a broken leg and was fixed with a big wad of tape. The only thing that kept me from losing it is that I know that the people who made the unicorns can fix them, so I just have to bring it with me. It may not seem like anything to anyone else, but when someone decides that things that you have on display are not important (like a plastic picture frame being tossed like it was trash), but that things that you don't care that much about deserve prominence, it's maddening.
That, and my mother eats everything. I love my family, and I would've been able to handle all of my uncle's changes better if it was just him down here, but when you're spending $40/day trying to feed everyone and one of those people eats everything that is in the house, including my husband's leftovers that he was going to have for lunch, it gets to be much.
She wants to come down and "help" with the baby, but my husband doesn't really want her down here because he feels she won't actually do anything. I keep reminding him that it's a symbolic gesture, and that we can put it off until I go back to school where she will be forced to at least watch the kid. But having her get upset like that unnerved me. I was so spooked by her reaction that I was afraid to bring it up with my uncle. When I did mention it to him the next day, he told me that he always assumed that they would be leaving by Sunday and that he was already packed! I enlisted his help in getting mom ready to go back, but I think this week was good for him. After the blow up with my irritating aunt Krayzee, he took this time to really revitalize himself and get in a place where he may be able to successfully find work (and, hopefully, take the aid offered by my f-i-l to get the utilities back on). He always seems to be rejuvenated after visiting us, so I try to weigh that with my mom's reaction to keep myself from feeling like a terrible daughter.
That, and keeping in mind that I have someone else that I have to worry about.
So, the baby is still very active and I'm looking forward to getting this whole thing over with. The kicking is starting to get nauseating, and I would like to be able to use the bathroom like a normal person again. My only concern right now is (somewhat) minimal; we sent laundry out to get done by a service, and I worry that it won't be ready until Thursday...and we're going to be a little busy that day. We sent over 120 pounds of laundry out (a combination of procrastination, and wanting to get as many sheets and things done as possible) so I hope we can get it back today [They offer same-day service, but I can forgive them not getting it all done today, considering the sheer volume]. The problem is that we sent so much that we're kind of out of clothing. If it weren't for the coupon that we had, this would cost over $100, but it's not going to be cheap. Fortunately, we will only have to do this once and then we can get back on track and do our own laundry for much less.
We still need to buy a few more items for the baby, and then launder the baby's stuff. And while most of the house is clean, the baby's room still needs to be finished, and our room needs some work. So, I'm tired, a little frazzled, and trying to actually get some work done before I leave for good after tomorrow.
Oh what fun.
Anyway, to make this make more sense, I'll flesh things out. The original plan was to have my uncle come down for a week to help us set up the house before the baby gets here, but when their utilities got cut off, we brought both him and my mother down for the week. When I mentioned on Friday that we were thinking of taking them up this weekend, she got upset and said "I at least want to see the baby", to which I responded "Of course you're going to see the baby. You'll be coming down with one of his parents to see it." She then proceeded to cry and cause me a great deal of grief and anxiety because I felt bad that she was upset but, at the same time, they needed to go home. My uncle did a spectacular job of cleaning the house, but sometimes I feel as if I'm playing a losing game of hide-and-seek when things get moved around because I can't find anything, and my family has a tendency to throw things away arbitrarily or re-arrange things on what seems like a whim to me. That, and one of my glass unicorns got broken (and we suspect that another one was thrown away...these things aren't exactly cheap). I have an unusual attachment to objects mostly stemming from being around people who throw away everything, and because my things are the only thing in my control (change and instability unhinge me because it has never been a good thing in the past). My unicorns all have a special meaning because I buy one every year at the Ohio Renaissance Festival, so I noticed right away when my shelf was rearranged and one of the 'corns was down...only to discover that it had a broken leg and was fixed with a big wad of tape. The only thing that kept me from losing it is that I know that the people who made the unicorns can fix them, so I just have to bring it with me. It may not seem like anything to anyone else, but when someone decides that things that you have on display are not important (like a plastic picture frame being tossed like it was trash), but that things that you don't care that much about deserve prominence, it's maddening.
That, and my mother eats everything. I love my family, and I would've been able to handle all of my uncle's changes better if it was just him down here, but when you're spending $40/day trying to feed everyone and one of those people eats everything that is in the house, including my husband's leftovers that he was going to have for lunch, it gets to be much.
She wants to come down and "help" with the baby, but my husband doesn't really want her down here because he feels she won't actually do anything. I keep reminding him that it's a symbolic gesture, and that we can put it off until I go back to school where she will be forced to at least watch the kid. But having her get upset like that unnerved me. I was so spooked by her reaction that I was afraid to bring it up with my uncle. When I did mention it to him the next day, he told me that he always assumed that they would be leaving by Sunday and that he was already packed! I enlisted his help in getting mom ready to go back, but I think this week was good for him. After the blow up with my irritating aunt Krayzee, he took this time to really revitalize himself and get in a place where he may be able to successfully find work (and, hopefully, take the aid offered by my f-i-l to get the utilities back on). He always seems to be rejuvenated after visiting us, so I try to weigh that with my mom's reaction to keep myself from feeling like a terrible daughter.
That, and keeping in mind that I have someone else that I have to worry about.
So, the baby is still very active and I'm looking forward to getting this whole thing over with. The kicking is starting to get nauseating, and I would like to be able to use the bathroom like a normal person again. My only concern right now is (somewhat) minimal; we sent laundry out to get done by a service, and I worry that it won't be ready until Thursday...and we're going to be a little busy that day. We sent over 120 pounds of laundry out (a combination of procrastination, and wanting to get as many sheets and things done as possible) so I hope we can get it back today [They offer same-day service, but I can forgive them not getting it all done today, considering the sheer volume]. The problem is that we sent so much that we're kind of out of clothing. If it weren't for the coupon that we had, this would cost over $100, but it's not going to be cheap. Fortunately, we will only have to do this once and then we can get back on track and do our own laundry for much less.
We still need to buy a few more items for the baby, and then launder the baby's stuff. And while most of the house is clean, the baby's room still needs to be finished, and our room needs some work. So, I'm tired, a little frazzled, and trying to actually get some work done before I leave for good after tomorrow.
Oh what fun.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I'm Carrying What?
Things have gotten a little interesting in soon-to-be-a-mother-land as I'm currently carrying a 9 pound, 5 ounce baby (weight as of yesterday afternoon). At first this was something that was just interesting, but now it's gotten a little stressful when my doctor told me that the baby is almost too big for a natural birth and I might have to have a cesarean, but because I'm a tall, large woman, I might be able to pull this off. Unfortunately, this was the appointment in which I could've used my husband's support (he opted to stay home), so when I was asked what I wanted to do, I almost lost it. How do I make a decision on whether to go for natural or surgery [and I use "natural" in the sense of pathway of delivery and not in the no-epidural context]? I told my doctor that I wanted to wait a week to try to have the baby, so I'm going to be scheduled to be induced next Wednesday night.
My doctor is hopeful that I will come in for my morning appointment dilated 3 centimeters so that they won't have to induce, but seeing as I'm almost 2 centimeters and not effaced, I'm worried that I will have to go the surgery route. I've never been in the hospital for more than a few hours at a time in the emergency room for asthma attacks, so this baby will be the first time I've had a major procedure, and now I'm starting to get scared. What if I can't have the baby naturally? What if we start that way but it gets stuck at the shoulders (which my doctor says is the fear when the baby is too big)? I know that a cesarean is not a mark of failure (considering how many people in my family have had them), but I still feel bad if I have to do that. And surgery will take longer for me to recover from, making going back to school even more difficult. And for all I know, the ultrasound could be wrong and the baby is smaller than it says (or it could be larger), but I won't know until delivery day.
Now the problem is, if I have the baby early [The original due date was today, but was changed to September 6] I will stop working sooner than I wanted and that will put us in a bad financial fix. If I manage to get all the way to Wednesday, the baby may be too big and I would have to have the surgery. Or I could go into labor over the weekend and end up with someone other than my primary doctor doing the delivery. Anyway out, I don't win.
I'm trying to stay calm about this, but it's hard to not feel bad that this isn't going in a way that makes sense to me. I had no plans for how I wanted this to go, I had just hoped I'd be the first in my family since my great-grandmother to have a natural birth and that may not happen. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm carrying a baby that's approaching 10 pounds. We'll have to see how this goes.
My doctor is hopeful that I will come in for my morning appointment dilated 3 centimeters so that they won't have to induce, but seeing as I'm almost 2 centimeters and not effaced, I'm worried that I will have to go the surgery route. I've never been in the hospital for more than a few hours at a time in the emergency room for asthma attacks, so this baby will be the first time I've had a major procedure, and now I'm starting to get scared. What if I can't have the baby naturally? What if we start that way but it gets stuck at the shoulders (which my doctor says is the fear when the baby is too big)? I know that a cesarean is not a mark of failure (considering how many people in my family have had them), but I still feel bad if I have to do that. And surgery will take longer for me to recover from, making going back to school even more difficult. And for all I know, the ultrasound could be wrong and the baby is smaller than it says (or it could be larger), but I won't know until delivery day.
Now the problem is, if I have the baby early [The original due date was today, but was changed to September 6] I will stop working sooner than I wanted and that will put us in a bad financial fix. If I manage to get all the way to Wednesday, the baby may be too big and I would have to have the surgery. Or I could go into labor over the weekend and end up with someone other than my primary doctor doing the delivery. Anyway out, I don't win.
I'm trying to stay calm about this, but it's hard to not feel bad that this isn't going in a way that makes sense to me. I had no plans for how I wanted this to go, I had just hoped I'd be the first in my family since my great-grandmother to have a natural birth and that may not happen. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm carrying a baby that's approaching 10 pounds. We'll have to see how this goes.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Now Showing...
My guess is that I am now five months along, but yesterday was the first time someone noticed that I'm pregnant. My husband and I went out for ice cream and we ended up at United Dairy Farmers (UDF) where my desire for peanut butter and fudge was finally fulfilled. One of the employees came on shift while another was making my sundae, and she pointed to my lower abdomen with a smile while I was in line to pay for my purchase. I looked down for a second (because I wasn't sure if she was pointing at my Hello Kitty mp3 holder) and I realized by her smile what she meant, so I said "yeah, I am." She asked me how far along I was, and I had to turn to my husband because I really didn't know, so we told her our due date (9/6) and she at first thought we had said November 6th, because she said "hold out for three more days." Apparently, her birthday is November 9th, so she was playfully hoping we'd have our child on her birthday.
I told a third co-worker the good news yesterday as well. It came out by accident [I was telling her about an anime convention because her daughter is into anime and when she asked me when it was, I said "I think it's in August. Oh, wait, I may not be going if it's in August" and she asked "What will you be doing in August" and I said "Having a baby is what I'll be doing."] but I figure people around the office will start to figure it out. I've just not wanted to talk to people about stuff like this because I'm a far more private person that I realized.
I think the reason why I've gone so long without looking like I was pregnant is because I think people thought I was just getting fatter. My stomach has gotten bigger because things moved up to make room, but it did kind of look like I was putting on weight when it was just being repositioned. I've gained very little weight during this pregnancy (I lost 4 lbs in February, and I've gained 1-2 lbs a month since), and I'm trying not to let it get out of control since I weigh so much already. I was never sloppy fat, but I carry a lot more weight than people think because it's rather compact. Hopefully I will get some exercise in today, because I feel like getting outside and talking a walk.
I'm not sure I'm ever going to get around to blogging about this, but I was on the phone with my mother for over six hours on Sunday and I learned so much about her and about family, her friends, and how nasty people at church have really become [To be honest, these people were always nasty, but they no longer endeavor to hide it anymore]. I even learned about my father's mother (I was the only grandchild she had that she never met because I was too busy in the summer to travel down south to see her) and I now know that I inherited my strength from both of my grandmothers. My mother was fired up that night and she had a lot to say. She's the kind of person who scares you when she gets angry because it takes a lot to push her to that point. People know what I'm like when angry because my flashpoint is a lot lower than the average person, but my mom is scary because you don't know what she's capable of and you don't want to know. I always talk about how much I want to be like my grandmother, but my mom's not a bad person to admire either.
I just wish I could feel better. I was having a coughing fit while in the bathroom not too long ago and coughed up a lot of fluid from my lungs. I wasn't prepared for it, so some of it ended up on my shirt, which was embarrassing since it was a work bathroom and every woman on the fourth floor seemed to be in there at the same time, but I was able to get it out. I hope I don't have another one of those fits today.
It's kind of weird to have strangers notice that I'm pregnant. It makes me feel like a walking movie ad. Now showing in a woman near you.
I told a third co-worker the good news yesterday as well. It came out by accident [I was telling her about an anime convention because her daughter is into anime and when she asked me when it was, I said "I think it's in August. Oh, wait, I may not be going if it's in August" and she asked "What will you be doing in August" and I said "Having a baby is what I'll be doing."] but I figure people around the office will start to figure it out. I've just not wanted to talk to people about stuff like this because I'm a far more private person that I realized.
I think the reason why I've gone so long without looking like I was pregnant is because I think people thought I was just getting fatter. My stomach has gotten bigger because things moved up to make room, but it did kind of look like I was putting on weight when it was just being repositioned. I've gained very little weight during this pregnancy (I lost 4 lbs in February, and I've gained 1-2 lbs a month since), and I'm trying not to let it get out of control since I weigh so much already. I was never sloppy fat, but I carry a lot more weight than people think because it's rather compact. Hopefully I will get some exercise in today, because I feel like getting outside and talking a walk.
I'm not sure I'm ever going to get around to blogging about this, but I was on the phone with my mother for over six hours on Sunday and I learned so much about her and about family, her friends, and how nasty people at church have really become [To be honest, these people were always nasty, but they no longer endeavor to hide it anymore]. I even learned about my father's mother (I was the only grandchild she had that she never met because I was too busy in the summer to travel down south to see her) and I now know that I inherited my strength from both of my grandmothers. My mother was fired up that night and she had a lot to say. She's the kind of person who scares you when she gets angry because it takes a lot to push her to that point. People know what I'm like when angry because my flashpoint is a lot lower than the average person, but my mom is scary because you don't know what she's capable of and you don't want to know. I always talk about how much I want to be like my grandmother, but my mom's not a bad person to admire either.
I just wish I could feel better. I was having a coughing fit while in the bathroom not too long ago and coughed up a lot of fluid from my lungs. I wasn't prepared for it, so some of it ended up on my shirt, which was embarrassing since it was a work bathroom and every woman on the fourth floor seemed to be in there at the same time, but I was able to get it out. I hope I don't have another one of those fits today.
It's kind of weird to have strangers notice that I'm pregnant. It makes me feel like a walking movie ad. Now showing in a woman near you.
Monday, May 5, 2008
By the way
I haven't given an update on the baby front, and I think I should since my due date has changed since my last post on the matter.
I went in to get a Quad screening done on March 26th where they try to determine if there are abnormalities in the child's development (e.g. Down's syndrome). They say that only 1% of the people who get an abnormal reading ever actually have a problem, but it's not much of a comfort when you get a call letting you know that you've got a potential problem. My doctor's office called my office phone four times before they reached me and said "I don't mean to alarm you, but..." we had an abnormality in our Quad screen. You don't mean to alarm me, but you called my office four times in one hour and then tell me that I need to come in the very next day for an ultrasound? Let's just say that this blew my whole day. I ended up having the ultrasound done on Friday morning because I had a dentist appointment that Thursday, and that was really, really cool. We don't know the gender (because we want to be surprised), but my husband was a-man-of-a-thousand-questions to the ultrasounographer while I had to stare at the ceiling. She was really nice and printed out several pictures, including images of the heart, a thumb, and a foot. I then rushed off to Cleveland for the Marjane Satrapi presentation [which I may have already posted about, so I apologize for the repeat of information] and didn't think anything else about the ultrasound until the day before my next appointment, which was April 23rd. I thought that there must not have been a new problem because nobody called, and I was correct. It seems that they had my due date wrong and that I wasn't as far along as previously suspected. My new due date is September 6th, and that makes me feel a little better. Why? Because early on in the pregnancy, I was the only person who thought that I wasn't as far along as every else assumed I was. The OB Coordinator was trying to assure me that my date was correct, but I just didn't feel as if I was that far along.
Turns out I was right. Is it that my motherly instinct is already kicking in? I doubt it; I think I was basing it on when I thought things got underway and figured it couldn't have been when they thought it was.
Anyway, I want to go home, so I'll wrap it up. Later, gators.
I went in to get a Quad screening done on March 26th where they try to determine if there are abnormalities in the child's development (e.g. Down's syndrome). They say that only 1% of the people who get an abnormal reading ever actually have a problem, but it's not much of a comfort when you get a call letting you know that you've got a potential problem. My doctor's office called my office phone four times before they reached me and said "I don't mean to alarm you, but..." we had an abnormality in our Quad screen. You don't mean to alarm me, but you called my office four times in one hour and then tell me that I need to come in the very next day for an ultrasound? Let's just say that this blew my whole day. I ended up having the ultrasound done on Friday morning because I had a dentist appointment that Thursday, and that was really, really cool. We don't know the gender (because we want to be surprised), but my husband was a-man-of-a-thousand-questions to the ultrasounographer while I had to stare at the ceiling. She was really nice and printed out several pictures, including images of the heart, a thumb, and a foot. I then rushed off to Cleveland for the Marjane Satrapi presentation [which I may have already posted about, so I apologize for the repeat of information] and didn't think anything else about the ultrasound until the day before my next appointment, which was April 23rd. I thought that there must not have been a new problem because nobody called, and I was correct. It seems that they had my due date wrong and that I wasn't as far along as previously suspected. My new due date is September 6th, and that makes me feel a little better. Why? Because early on in the pregnancy, I was the only person who thought that I wasn't as far along as every else assumed I was. The OB Coordinator was trying to assure me that my date was correct, but I just didn't feel as if I was that far along.
Turns out I was right. Is it that my motherly instinct is already kicking in? I doubt it; I think I was basing it on when I thought things got underway and figured it couldn't have been when they thought it was.
Anyway, I want to go home, so I'll wrap it up. Later, gators.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Riddled With Guilt
Instead of posting on hearing Marjane Satrapi speak on Friday (I really hope to post about it; she was really good & I took notes and pictures), I need to get some things out about how I'm feeling. I'm not experiencing mood swings; I feel as if I'm falling down a spiral staircase towards madness with no end in sight.
I feel horribly selfish for wanting to pursue a PhD while my family struggles to cope with my grandmother's passing. My brother had stepped up and was driving my mom and uncle to church and the grocery store, but his car broke down and a person who said he would help looks like he has bailed. This leaves him having to take the bus to work, but it also means that my non-driving family members have to rely on others and the bus to get to their destinations. I don't worry so much for my uncle because he's really good at just getting on a bus heading in the right direction and getting to where he needs to be, but my mom is another story. Some of the things she needs to travel to would require her to catch the bus at night, and I'm not comfortable with her doing that. My aunt (the only member of this trio who can drive) has given rides to help out, but it's turning out that she's going back to a level of unreliability that unnerves and bothers me. My mom has a book club that she was attending with my grandmother and she still goes to it. My aunt has taken her to this club meeting in the past but, for whatever reason, decided to come to the house earlier today and made herself scarce for the rest of the day. Now my mom has to ask someone else to give her a ride at the last minute.
I feel like because I'm not there, that I'm letting the family down. And that feeling makes me feel like shit.
When I went up to Cleveland on Friday, I took my uncle to the grocery stores to get his shopping done and he bought a lot so that he wouldn't have to worry about going out to get anything for awhile. Ignoring the part where some lazy employee decided to accuse me of shoplifting because I kept looking at him [He looked like a dead-ringer for my brother-in-law, if he were black], I was more than glad to take him to do his errands, but I can't help but feel as if I am doing a very bad thing by staying in Columbus to pursue what will be my last degree. If it were feasible, I would be up there every weekend to help out; alas, that would put too many miles on the car and I'm not sure that I could physically handle that kind of schedule as the months progress. My brother is frustrated that a shoe-shine man he met on the job promised to help him fix his car but is now MIA; he wants to be able to help them out (and they've missed church for the past two weeks because of this) but is stuck without a working car (not to mention still not having a place to live yet).
Meanwhile, I'm getting increasingly depressed and upset for putting myself first. I tend to place my desires aside to do for others, and college was always the one thing I insisted upon for myself. Now my family is in shambles, I'm torn about not being there for them, and I still have no idea why my grandmother had to go when she did. All this, and a baby, too.
I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm just going to concentrate on keeping my blood pressure down and maybe go out walking today. I can use the exercise and I think I need to clear my head.
I feel horribly selfish for wanting to pursue a PhD while my family struggles to cope with my grandmother's passing. My brother had stepped up and was driving my mom and uncle to church and the grocery store, but his car broke down and a person who said he would help looks like he has bailed. This leaves him having to take the bus to work, but it also means that my non-driving family members have to rely on others and the bus to get to their destinations. I don't worry so much for my uncle because he's really good at just getting on a bus heading in the right direction and getting to where he needs to be, but my mom is another story. Some of the things she needs to travel to would require her to catch the bus at night, and I'm not comfortable with her doing that. My aunt (the only member of this trio who can drive) has given rides to help out, but it's turning out that she's going back to a level of unreliability that unnerves and bothers me. My mom has a book club that she was attending with my grandmother and she still goes to it. My aunt has taken her to this club meeting in the past but, for whatever reason, decided to come to the house earlier today and made herself scarce for the rest of the day. Now my mom has to ask someone else to give her a ride at the last minute.
I feel like because I'm not there, that I'm letting the family down. And that feeling makes me feel like shit.
When I went up to Cleveland on Friday, I took my uncle to the grocery stores to get his shopping done and he bought a lot so that he wouldn't have to worry about going out to get anything for awhile. Ignoring the part where some lazy employee decided to accuse me of shoplifting because I kept looking at him [He looked like a dead-ringer for my brother-in-law, if he were black], I was more than glad to take him to do his errands, but I can't help but feel as if I am doing a very bad thing by staying in Columbus to pursue what will be my last degree. If it were feasible, I would be up there every weekend to help out; alas, that would put too many miles on the car and I'm not sure that I could physically handle that kind of schedule as the months progress. My brother is frustrated that a shoe-shine man he met on the job promised to help him fix his car but is now MIA; he wants to be able to help them out (and they've missed church for the past two weeks because of this) but is stuck without a working car (not to mention still not having a place to live yet).
Meanwhile, I'm getting increasingly depressed and upset for putting myself first. I tend to place my desires aside to do for others, and college was always the one thing I insisted upon for myself. Now my family is in shambles, I'm torn about not being there for them, and I still have no idea why my grandmother had to go when she did. All this, and a baby, too.
I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm just going to concentrate on keeping my blood pressure down and maybe go out walking today. I can use the exercise and I think I need to clear my head.
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