Happy New Year (And All That Remains)

Hi everyone,

Before I get into the follow-up to my...ordeal, I just wanted to get the pleasantries out of the way. Happy New Year, everyone.

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The funeral for my mother did something that made me re-think some things, and reconfirmed others. All my mother wanted in life was for God to come through for her, and to know that she was loved. The religious headmaster of my old high school called the funeral home to find out if I could use some help in paying for the funeral. When I said that I could, he told me he'd call back after making some calls. He then called back an hour later to say "I just got $3,000 together, and if you need more, you have my number." I was dumbstruck. My little church got $1,400 together and some of the members were going to make sure that my mother had a nice funeral no matter what (which made my husband cry!). Fortunately, my high school's donation covered the bulk of the expenses, but I was truly touched by the support we received. People gave money not just for me, but because of how wonderful my mother was. In that way, I think God came through (despite my aunt trying to sabotage things and saying, callously, "You should have just gone ahead and cremated her"). At the service, all of her childhood friends came.

All of them.

Most of these ladies are rather flighty women (two each had daughters my age, but one died when her mother wouldn't donate a kidney) who couldn't come by to see my mother when she was still alive, but at least they came to see her (well, nobody got to see her on Monday (12/28) because my uncle and I elected to close the casket for the service because, as far as I am concerned, if they couldn't come to see her when she was alive, they won't be allowed to see her when she's dead).

My uncle and I stayed with the body through the entire viewing on Sunday (12/27) to make sure the funeral home wouldn't close early like they did with my grandmother two years ago (As today is the 2 year anniversary of her death, I'm really keyed up right now). My aunt screwed up a lot of things. She lied and didn't call the hairdresser, so she did it herself with her poor daughter in tow (and did a bad job). She got Quintessa (say it with the neck roll to get it right) to give us shit about the money, threatening to hold my mother's body hostage if she didn't get it all by 10 a.m. She lost the tie that went to the blouse and got the funeral home to violate their own rules by not allowing me to get the first view of the body. Crayzee brought the clothes late, promised to get flowers that ended up being plastic (and, therefore, couldn't be left at the cemetery) and were probably free, and didn't bring the guest book until after church service was long since over (the church my family belongs to is across the street). If it weren't for her having a child, I'd never speak to her again.

Except for the eulogy which included such gems of "...until you find your sister dead at home" (Thanks, McNugget*), the service went over well. There was a bit of comedy (for me anyway) when people were reading the proclamations. These are these stupid things that people put together to say how great you were in life, and it makes the group look important, blah blah blah. Anyway, the contingent in California sent an e-mail to have read at the service and my aunt read it. She was reading it in this really weird, trying-to-be-dramatic-but-instead-sounding-insane kind of way, and I started laughing. My sister (the one I stopped talking to, but I have no idea why anymore) thought I was crying. Oh no; I thought it was funny! One of her best guy friends sang a beautiful solo, and I was proud of him for making it through it.
(*McNugget is what I've been calling this pastor since he started at the church back in 1990 & he only got to do the service because he was feeling guilty and offered to do it for free, or I would have gotten someone else)

What I saw was a hell of a lot of remorse from people who couldn't' give a damn before this happened. People actually felt bad, and all I kept thinking was "Good! You need to feel bad!". Most of the people in the mortuary industry were very kind and accommodating. Everyone except Quintessa *neck roll*, who was a bully, who didn't tell me I could e-mail the program to the printer (and tried to charge me the rush fee for turning it in late), and screwed things up for the repast. We drove out to the cemetery to do the final goodbyes (my mother was born in a blizzard, and was buried in one) and my uncle had asked people to stay for the food. Unfortunately, a lot of people left because that bitch couldn't do anything right. My poor uncle and my husband were both apologizing to the people who made the food. My uncle said "I asked people to stay, and they all left me". Fortunately, my mother's friends (who were apparently hanging out in the ladies lounge upstairs) came down and we had a good number of people at the meal. It made me feel good that they stayed. My dad and my sister (3 of 7 if you're keeping track) ate with us, and I have to say my sister has really mellowed the fuck out. She's a wrestler now, and that seems to be a good thing for her. She finally found her passion, and until it pays the bills she still nurses full time (she's not licensed, but after taking care of her own mother for years before her passing, she's got a lot of experience and doesn't do things that would get her in an ass-ton of trouble). She's still a little greedy with the posting of gift lists on her MySpace page, but we reconnected in a way I didn't expect.

Of all the things that did go wrong, the worst was that my older brother didn't make it to the funeral. He wanted to be there, and before he started hanging out with his "friends" he would've moved heaven and earth to be there. Instead, they promised him a ride and probably fell through and told him not to bother. Assholes. He's gone bankrupt buying these losers drinks at the bar, and he stopped coming by to visit them because of these people (who had better not run into me in a dark alley because I'm out for blood), and he failed to call the week she died. I think my mother would have listened to him if he had visited her, but he kept saying he couldn't make it and that he was coming. I haven't tried to contact him since because I don't know what to say to him.

I invited my uncle to stay with us for awhile, but I'm not sure he will. I just want to make sure he's taken care of, and that he knows he did everything right by my mother. He shouldn't feel guilty about anything he did. I cant' say the same for others, but he did right by her. And all those people who turned their backs on them are feeling bad and trying to make things right. Like the woman who was bringing them food but being nasty about it. She would buy the food at Sav-A-Lot and wouldn't get them enough to live on, and according to my uncle, all my mother wanted was to have a house filled with food. Well, now he has a house overflowing with food from Dave's grocery store, with enough food to feed a family of four for two months. Why the fuck she couldn't do this while my mother was alive, I'll never know.

I'm supposed to send thank you cards to people who came to the service, and I'm taking the money that people gave me and putting it away for an emergency fund. One of my closest girlfriends gave me $300, and when I tried to give it back to her because things were paid for, she wouldn't let me return it. She said that she would be lost if it were her mother, and she wanted to help us out. I want to put the money away so that I may be able to help someone else in the way we were helped.

I don't really want to do the letters, but I'm going to get them done before depositing the checks (I don't want to be tacky). My uncle's faith never wavered. Not to say he's like Job, but when everyone turned their backs, he never turned away from God. Hell, I cussed God out and chronicled it here (my last venomous lick to God when my mother died was to say "Fuck you, God"), but he never did. I always thought I'd learn the most about faith from my mother, but I think they both taught me a great deal.

With the loss of my grandmother, my faith was shaken. With the loss of my mother (and the beautiful outpouring of support), I think it may have been restored.

I've got to get back into the swing of things. I'm teaching a class of ~29 students due to the university being in a crisis without admitting to it (way to go, Gee). Instead of offering 4 or 5 100-level courses and a number of 300-level courses, we're offering 6 100-level courses and one or two 300-level courses, and all the 100s are pushed beyond the usual cap of 25. We're doing this because it's a way for the department to get $, but it's a load of crap. I've gone from not teaching anyone to teaching a ton of kids with the blank stares back at me. Fun. I just wish I knew this material better than I do; then I'd feel more confident in teaching it to a bunch of underclassmen. It's hard to teach Juniors and Seniors because they're set in their ways and aren't usually receptive to new ideas. I'm also trying to write my thesis, take a class, and scramble to get 3 credit hours to comply with my contract because my thesis seminar has been canceled. Of the six of us working on our thesis, only two of us signed up for the class, and the other person dropped out. Merde! I don't know how I'm doing what I'm doing, but I just can't stop for anything.

There is one other thing; I have resolved that I have to try at least once to be a singer. An actual, bona fide recording artist. My mother had a beautiful voice but never really got to be a soloist (the church choir had its clique), and I think a little bit of her sound is still in me and I want people to hear it. I've got to at least try.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support during this difficult time. I also want to thank the people at the Plain Dealer, the printer of the programs, and most of all Loretta from Lake View cemetery for being more than accommodating to our situation and showing the utmost in compassion. I'd also like to thank my aunt for being a bitch to remind me of the kind of fool she is, and my father in law for being an unbelievable bastard who lied and schemed and did some non-lawyerly things because he "showed his ass" in front of his son, making my husband realize that he can't let his father get away with being a dick. I'd also like to thank Quintessa *neck roll* for being an unruly tyrant who, in her own way, managed to make a miracle happen. I'd like to thank those who turned their backs for the guilt they are feeling because they need to learn to act like human beings. I want to thank my uncle for all the hell he's gone through, and for being there for my mom. I want to thank my grandmother for being the strong role model for me. And I'd like to thank my mother, because I never got a chance to do so. I love you mom.

Unexpected Lessons

Hi everyone.

It's been awhile, and I wish I had something more happy to post, but my mother passed away on Tuesday, and I've been dealing with the loss. I've also learned a great deal during this time, and I think I'm going to write about that for awhile.

For anyone who remembers the saga with Aunt Crayzee, you'll recall that she turned her back on my mom and uncle and managed to poison the waters so that almost nobody wanted to help them. Well, that contributed greatly to my mother's death. She died while my uncle was away, and he says the last thing she said to him was "Nobody ever stops by". She felt so abandoned and alone and was severely depressed towards the end, and when people would come by, they would be nasty, hurtful, and not willing to offer the least bit of help. She apparently wrote a letter to someone right before Thanksgiving asking for food because they were starving, and in it she wrote that she wanted them to be able to have a little bit of fun. She never asked for much in life, and towards the end she couldn't even get that. I came to see them as often as I could, and I would buy groceries and give them money. It wasn't enough. Now we get all these people coming out of the woodwork who claim to have loved her, but they wouldn't visit with her, or give her a kind word. The church that refused to help them pay a single bill (and refused to give them food!) has offered their space for the service, and I only agreed to it because I was trying to cut down on the funeral costs.

My uncle is hurting, and my aunt can't seem to give a shit. She has been a saboteur from the beginning, wanting them to fail and wanting us to fail in this funeral. The joke's on her; my church raised funds and will be helping to pay for the funeral, and my high school's headmaster called me up to say he's raised $3,000 and that I can call if we're still short. One of my girlfriends that I haven't spoken to since my baby shower even offered $300. My church is not a church of great means, whereas the church that they belong to is a historical African American church that is full of gossipers who are soulless, despicable people who would rather listen to someone who is no longer a member (who I am convinced is filled with venom; she's pure evil) than help those who need it. She is going to find a way to take credit for this when she did nothing. She deliberately waited until after church service was over to bring over the guest book, so that the people who visited were not recorded in the book because she didn't bring it. She also lied and said she would contact people she never called (like the hairdresser; she did the hair herself, which is why we're closing the casket for the wake and service). The "flowers" she promised her church would pay for are fake...and since her best friend's family makes those things for a living, so she probably paid nothing for them. It was just one stinking thing of flowers that she had placed on the casket. I hate her.

I hate everything she has done. She had the audacity to tell my husband (when he was telling her to keep trying to help find funds) that I should have just cremated her! I PAID for the bulk of her own mother's funeral, and it was my support system that is paying for my mother's funeral, and she has gotten away with ruining lives and not paying a dime. When I hear that people feel bad that they didn't visit, I always think "Good! You need to feel guilty." All my mother wanted was for God to come through for her, and for her to be loved. I want her to know that she is loved very much.

This is so hard to write.

I have invited my uncle to stay with us for awhile. I want him to be able to rebuild his life and heal away from a house where two of his loved ones have died. I am not sure when he will come, or if, but I don't want to go through this again. I want to know he's going to be alright because it's true what he said: It's not fair that people treat them like shit, treat them like they're worthless, as if they were the worst people in the world when all they were trying to do was survive. They were trying to live. And now she's dead, and I don't want him to be next.

What do I want for my aunt? For her to suffer. For her to feel humiliated, feel pain, to struggle. To not know where the next meal is going to come from. I want the worst for her, save only one thing: I don't want her to die. I want her to live with the consequences of what she has done. I want her to PAY.

I'm also angry with my father-in-law because he decided, on the day my mother's obituary was running in the Plain Dealer, to call her and my uncle "fucking irresponsible" for not doing what he thinks they were supposed to do with probate. Here are a few fun facts that he's completely forgotten about. 1) My husband and I hired him to help them, so if any money is owed, it would be from us and not them. 2) He told them that he was doing this for them because "we're family", and then treated them like they were idiotic pieces of shit because he was making side deals with my aunt, lapping up everything she served him. 3) He made my mother sign papers that he didn't explain. 4) He came over, while on the phone with my husband, pretending that he was giving them food when instead he dropped off a nasty letter saying that, essentially, my uncle had virtually no claim to the home. 5) He treats people like shit and has the nerve to be upset because they don't turn around and thank him for his service. I'm never asking him to do a damn thing for me again.

Since the title of my blog suggests that I learned something, let's review what I've learned in all of this.

- I want to be cremated. Fuck all of this shit with the funeral home (they demand payment upfront before services can be rendered; however, the newspaper, the printer of the service bulletins, and the people at the cemetery were more than willing to accommodate our situation of not having the money yet but that it was coming, or of lowering prices or not charging extra fees). If my loved ones want a service for me, fine, but I'd rather spare them the expense. My husband is willing to give me a service that observes Japanese rituals, but that's about all I want. He wants to donate his body to science.

- My mother was a wonderful woman who never deserved to die alone. I hope beyond everything that she is happy now.

- I apparently have a hell of a lot more friends than I could have possibly imagined.

- Know who to trust, and who to leave in the...bin (I wanted to say dust, but I do not want to offend my friend for the sake of a rhyme scheme).

- I apparently had more faith than I thought. When my grandmother died, I lost my faith. I think with my mother's death, I found it. I still told God off, but whatever.

- I will do right by the people who did right by me. And the others need to watch out. I'm full of anger and will release it on the first person to say the wrong thing tomorrow.

- There are some nasty people out there in the world, and they get away with a lot. If there's any justice in the world, they won't get away with it forever.

- I have the will to pull through this, and I want my mother to be remembered for who she was. And I want all of those people who said they care but didn't give a damn to know that her death rests on all of their shoulders. Live with that forever.

I signed all the paperwork, but the funeral home violated their own policies by allowing my aunt to take my place for the first viewing. She also dropped off the flowers and the book and never came back. My uncle and I stayed with her until they closed the home at 5. A few visitors came by and my little girl got to see her Gram-Gram one last time.

I've also learned that I have a mean streak that runs deeper than even I imagined, but I think these people have earned it. And if the money my aunt got the home church to donate is not given to the funeral home, my husband is going to call the church in a week to let them know that she had no expenses and that she should have to give the money back.

I never said I was a good girl.

The funeral is tomorrow afternoon, and I hope that her siblings from California come, but something tells me they won't.

There's only one crypt left of the six my grandmother bought. It's going to be for my uncle, because I'm cremating my aunt when she goes, so she'd better not go soon.

I may change my mind on a lot of things in time. But I won't change my opinions on those who hurt my family. I may just ease up on them in time (maybe). I've got to get some sleep to get through tomorrow. If things go poorly...well, let's just say you'll be hearing about me on the news.

I love you, mom. Never doubt that.

Her obituary is here.

EDIT: Okay, so now I'm feeling guilty about the things I said about my aunt (1.5 hours later). A little. I'm still angry, but she's still family. However, she needs to redeem herself to make this right.

So Many Deaths

I've been haunted by death lately, but I didn't expect Hollywood to just give up so many ghosts like that.

Let's keep this list going at a brisk pace. Ed McMahon died the other day and had been having some financial troubles, so I felt bad that he was struggling, but at least he was an older man (so it wasn't a big surprise, but still unexpected).

Farrah Fawcett had been fighting cancer for a couple of years and it was just announced Monday that she and Ryan O'Neil would be getting married. He said that it would be just as soon as she could say "yes", but it was never meant to be. I was just surprised and saddened for her, especially since I've been reading a book, Rolling the R's, which invokes Farrah as the 70s icon that she was (it's about a group of 5th graders in Hawaii; it's ultimately about Asian American identity and gay identity), so I felt bad about reading about her (like we were invoking her presence and bringing her back into the spotlight just to die).

And, finally, Michael Jackson. I was watching, of all things 16 and Pregnant (yeah, I don't know why I was watching, either) when the news ran on the bottom of the screen. So now I'm watching the program that MTV threw together about his life and career. They're planning on doing a Michael Jackson marathon on VH1 Classic all weekend. I'm so at a loss for words that I can't even articulate how I'm feeling about this. I am actually upset about this, because it was so sudden. My mom isn't that much older than MJ, so it's just rather...sad. And they just got through playing the The Jacksons: An American Dream just this week. I feel for his family; his children, his siblings (It's got to be hard for Jermaine & co. when you lose a sibling that was younger than most of them), and even his parents.

I ask you all to forgive me as I will not post pictures of Devi tonight. I just can't do it, not after this.

Goodnight.

In a World Where Cool Voices Sell Films...

...we've lost Don LaFontaine, the movie voice-over guy. While his voice-over work is what he's known for, I will always remember his sense of humor when he appeared in a Geico commercial and was able to laugh at himself. This guy was truly cool, and films will never be the same again.

Loss of a Congresswoman

I just discovered that Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a Congresswoman from Ohio has passed away from a brain aneurysm. She was a representative who came from Cleveland and was a very outspoken person who earned the respect of both her fellow Democrats as well as Republicans. I'm very surprised because it's just one of those things that you can't anticipate. I got to do a performance once that she attended (which is the closest I ever got to meeting her) and she was very charismatic. She represented her constituents well, and I don't see how she will ever be replaced.

God Speed, Ms. Tubbs Jones.

So Long, Estelle

I'm sad to report that Estelle Getty, the woman who played Sophia on The Golden Girls has passed away at 84. When she was cast for the role, she was actually too young to play Bea Arthur's mother, but when she came in with makeup that aged her 20 years, she won the part.

She announced that she had Parkinson's Disease in 2000, and lated developed dementia (which is a frightening disease I've seen with my great-grandmother and hope to never have to experience again). She was surrounded by family, which is always good to hear.

I haven't seen this clip, but in honor of her best-known character, here's montage of Sophia moments from the Golden Girls. Rest in peace, honey.

What is going on!?!

First, it was Harvey Korman, and then it was Yves Saint Laurent, and now Bo Diddley? I'm taking these passings way too hard, but I'm afraid to read my RSS feeds because I don't know who else is going to show up on the In Memoriam list. Isn't there any good news going on today?

I remember Bo Diddley from the "Bo knows" commercials that used to run all the time. He had the best line when he said "Bo, you don't know diddley!" Now the world is without him, and it sucks.

We've lost humor, a sense of style, and music. What next? I don't want to hazard a guess; I'm not going to be responsible for putting someone else six-feet under.

2008: A Year I'll Never Forget

I've been offline since my grandmother's passing last month, and a lot has happened in the interim. As this has already turned out to be a banner year for me, I'm going to give you (read: the one or two people who might still read this) a breakdown of what's going on.

This is the year I am turning 30, meaning that I will have to change all of my blogs to stop saying that I'm in my late 20s, but it also means that I've got to hit my watershed year with style.

So far:
- My grandmother died unexpectedly on January 6th within hours of being admitted to the hospital.
- I found out that I was pregnant six days later. My grandmother really wanted to be a great-grandmother, so I had some mixed feelings about the pregnancy.
- I was informed by my professor that I was accepted into the Comparative Studies program for graduate school. I'm "auditing" the class and he told me "congratulations" as I entered the room. I said, with the dumbest look on my face, "for what?" and almost fell over in the middle of the room when I found out the good news. I'm still waiting to hear from the English department, but since I got into my first choice department, I'm very happy.
- I'm also in a mini-feud with some of the members of my family [In particular, my father, my step-mother, and two of my half-siblings] because my father stole my older brother's money over the course of two years and then moved to a new apartment which resulted in my brother being put out into the street. My "sister" allowed my brother to stay with her in her two-bedroom condo, but only for one night with her and her little brother "lecturing" him on how he should've saved his money to be able to afford his own place. My step-mother got into my father's head and convinced him that my brother was not being a real man even though he works very hard, pays child support for his son [something my father never did for me] and only brought home $300 bi-weekly, which my father would take for himself. Needless to say, my internet readers are finding out about my good news before they will.

See how my life is always interesting?

It makes me think of something that happened when I was a kid: There was a summer when I had absolutely nothing to do. My grandmother wasn't able to bring home a PC for the summer because the computers had gotten too old, so I ran around saying I was bored all summer. She promised me that I would never be bored again and made sure that I was signed up in programs and kept busy all the way through high school. I feel that the way things have turned out that her promise is still holding true.

But, to quote my 5-year-old cousin, "Heaven's had her long enough, I want her back."

I'm hoping to do more blogging as the quarter winds down. I'm writing the grant proposal for my group as we are trying to get a grant for The Dowd Center, a place for homeless children and families that does excellent work in helping students in all aspects of life, so that's going to keep me occupied until Wednesday. I'm also (most likely) writing our paper for the final project, so I've got a lot of work to do this weekend. My pregnancy keeps me under the weather; I don't get morning sickness (due to genetics and emetophobia) but I catch everything else and stay sick for a week at a time. I almost missed my Valentine's Day dinner because I couldn't eat solid foods for the better part of a week. And I have work that I need to get done, but still suffer from an inability to focus for more than 2 minutes on any one task.

It may seem like a lot, but I wanted to get some things off my chest before I log off. My baby is supposedly due August 28th, and I would start grad school a month after that.

Oh yeah, I'm still going to go to school. I'm not going to be stopped; I just have to adapt.

I hope my reader(s) fill clued in, and I hope to continue at some point.

Stay safe and warm, everyone.