I'm Getting Too Old For This...

I went to an anime convention this weekend and...let's just say that things like that are not meant for people like me. And by that, I mean I was not cut out to spend three days with a bunch of young people who were loud, uncouth, and convention-runners who have an interesting (if boring) interpretation of "Hentai Olympics."

I can't say I didn't have a good time. I got to buy some nice items in the dealers room before finding out that we were completely broke [Overdraft fees killed us and ate up half of my paycheck], and I got to go to some good panels where I made a manga translator's day by telling her how much I enjoy her work. I ended up on tape talking to some guy who knew the founders of OSU's anime club, and I even got a sketch done of me chibi-style that I want to display because it's actually cute. I played Super Puzzle Fighter and Rock Band, both of which are fun games; fun enough to ignore the pissant punks who can't help but be young and obnoxious.

I didn't like the way the convention-eers handled the Hentai Olympics. First off, it was supposed to start at midnight, but the previous panel didn't end until 12:30 [They never explained why it was running late; an explanation would've abated some of my anger, but it never came and my head was hurting too much to try to get answers]. We then had to wait another 20 minutes before we could be seated. The event was billed as one that required being at least 18 to gain entry (checking I.D. and everything), but it ended up being a very lame event that was akin to a lame bachelor party. What surprised me about this was that this convention was billed as one not for young children and, as such, the youngest person was in Junior High, so I was surprised that there really wasn't anything risque about the H.O. at all. I could've just stayed in the anime room and watched real hentai and saved myself the swollen feet and aggrivation. Considering that Dragon*con is a convention for all ages and they managed to show real hentai (as well as some sacriligous stuff that was more hilarious than anything else) in their big event (and they checked I.D. as well), why couldn't an event that is billed as a college-aged event show anything remotely hentai?

The funnies thing I ran into at the con was that one of my co-workers was there to take pictures of the cosplayers. This was I guy I would've never expected to see at something like this, but he told me that he's a fan of costumes. I think that's kind of cool. ;-)

I'm probably never going to go back to this thing (not by myself, anyway), and I've learned that I should avoid conventions that are solely focused on one concept due to lacking the ability to tolerate annoying people for more than an hour at a time. If I go to another anime convention (i.e. Ohayo-con), I'm only going for a day to buy stuff and check out the serious panels which seem to take place on Saturday. That's enough for me.

Riddled With Guilt

Instead of posting on hearing Marjane Satrapi speak on Friday (I really hope to post about it; she was really good & I took notes and pictures), I need to get some things out about how I'm feeling. I'm not experiencing mood swings; I feel as if I'm falling down a spiral staircase towards madness with no end in sight.

I feel horribly selfish for wanting to pursue a PhD while my family struggles to cope with my grandmother's passing. My brother had stepped up and was driving my mom and uncle to church and the grocery store, but his car broke down and a person who said he would help looks like he has bailed. This leaves him having to take the bus to work, but it also means that my non-driving family members have to rely on others and the bus to get to their destinations. I don't worry so much for my uncle because he's really good at just getting on a bus heading in the right direction and getting to where he needs to be, but my mom is another story. Some of the things she needs to travel to would require her to catch the bus at night, and I'm not comfortable with her doing that. My aunt (the only member of this trio who can drive) has given rides to help out, but it's turning out that she's going back to a level of unreliability that unnerves and bothers me. My mom has a book club that she was attending with my grandmother and she still goes to it. My aunt has taken her to this club meeting in the past but, for whatever reason, decided to come to the house earlier today and made herself scarce for the rest of the day. Now my mom has to ask someone else to give her a ride at the last minute.

I feel like because I'm not there, that I'm letting the family down. And that feeling makes me feel like shit.

When I went up to Cleveland on Friday, I took my uncle to the grocery stores to get his shopping done and he bought a lot so that he wouldn't have to worry about going out to get anything for awhile. Ignoring the part where some lazy employee decided to accuse me of shoplifting because I kept looking at him [He looked like a dead-ringer for my brother-in-law, if he were black], I was more than glad to take him to do his errands, but I can't help but feel as if I am doing a very bad thing by staying in Columbus to pursue what will be my last degree. If it were feasible, I would be up there every weekend to help out; alas, that would put too many miles on the car and I'm not sure that I could physically handle that kind of schedule as the months progress. My brother is frustrated that a shoe-shine man he met on the job promised to help him fix his car but is now MIA; he wants to be able to help them out (and they've missed church for the past two weeks because of this) but is stuck without a working car (not to mention still not having a place to live yet).

Meanwhile, I'm getting increasingly depressed and upset for putting myself first. I tend to place my desires aside to do for others, and college was always the one thing I insisted upon for myself. Now my family is in shambles, I'm torn about not being there for them, and I still have no idea why my grandmother had to go when she did. All this, and a baby, too.

I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm just going to concentrate on keeping my blood pressure down and maybe go out walking today. I can use the exercise and I think I need to clear my head.

Self-Doubt is Rising Again

This will be brief, because it's just an emotional response to absolutely nothing in particular (damn hormones!) and I want to go home soon.

I met the professors and fellow students in the Comparative Studies department yesterday and actually felt at home, for once, amongst them. I still don't want to teach, but since I have a year before I have to deal with that again, I may get over that. I'm starting to doubt my ability to pull off being in school (15 credit hours a quarter, a mandatory amount based on the fellowship) and being a mother. I'd have these anxieties if I was was going to be a stay-at-home mother because I have serious, serious doubts about my parenting abilities.

Am I making a mistake? What if I'm a terrible mother? What if I don't do enough? What if my depression comes back worse than it's been in awhile? I'm honestly surprised that it hasn't really surfaced that often since getting pregnant, so I'm paranoid that I'm just going to shut-down once the baby's born.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm my own worst enemy and have been so for many years. How do women do this? How am I going to do this? And the one mainstay that I would usually rely on (in this case, God) I'm still kind of pissed off with right now, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to have to hash out my feelings with God soon so that I can deal with everything else soon.

Blood Pressure

I had another appointment yesterday with my doctor and she said that my blood pressure was a little high. It's not in a danger zone yet, but it's borderline and will be watched closely. I'm worried because we really don't have high blood pressure as a family trait (that I know of) and I want to do whatever it takes to get it down, so I told my uncle my concerns and he recommended that I eat banannas and cut down on my sodium. Fortunately, I'm not a big salt person, so eating more home-cooked meals will help to keep that down, but I hate bananas. I'm willing to eat them because getting my blood pressure down is much more important than my dislike of a fruit.

The Singing Angels, the organization I was involved with for six years, called my family's home two weeks ago to get an alumni update, so I finally called them today to tell them what I was up to. Charles Eversole, the current music director, said that he anticipates seeing an auditioner in 8 years if we're back in the Cleveland area (because, after all, every child is a potential Singing Angel). While I laughed when he said that, I know that I'd only do it if my child really wanted to join; their fees have gotten expensive (currently $200/semester for one child) and I remember all the times my poor grandmother had to drive me all over Northern Ohio for various concerts. I may go to Spring Concert (their big spring show) this year because it is dedicated to Mrs. Kurtz who, apparently, still does the calls for small group concerts [something I remember all too well]. I'm definitely going to make plans to go to the big show next year because it will be the organization's 45th anniversary. It's nice to know that I hadn't been forgotten; I was given what I perceived to be a slight when Mr. Boehm [the founder] retired several years ago because my two girlfriends who had quit before graduating were invited to his retirement party while I, who had actually graduated with the group, was not. Considering that they had to use a phone bank at a hospital to do a phone-a-thon of all their alumni, all is forgiven.

Tomorrow's the big day: I'm going to get to see what it's like to be in the Comparative Studies department for the first time, and I'm looking forward to attending. My concern is that my health (mostly intestinal) will hold up so that I can do the whole thing. There's a dinner at someone's house and there is a dance afterwards that I really want to go to because, lets face it, I love to dance. I won't overdo it; I just want to go out and have a good time. But I can't be out too late because I'm coming in to work on Saturday to try to make up some hours so that my paycheck will be a little more robust than it has been for the past two months. That, and I've been so exhausted lately that I can't stay awake past midnight.

Also, I'm having my ultrasound in two weeks. The heartbeat was very strong yesterday so I'm looking forward to what should finally cement this in my mind as a reality.

I'm getting a little dizzy...

While I'm still trying to get my head around this whole pregnancy thing, the academic front is heating up. I got an e-mail from my advisor informing me that I was awarded a fellowship for my first year of graduate school! Now, imagine my surprise when I found out that I got something I didn't even bother to apply for because it required a high GPA that I knew I did not have.

What this fellowship means is that I do not have to worry about working for my first year (which is exceedingly helpful considering the circumstances), and I will only lose about $1,000 off of my current income. And that would only be if I had worked my 20 hours every week, which I haven't been doing for the past three months, so the income will be comparable. The way I see it, I need to work even harder in school to prove to everyone that I deserved this fellowship and that I deserve to be in school. It's a national Graduate Enrichment Fellowship, so I'm very honored that I earned this, and I know my advisor had a lot to do with this as he's been my biggest champion in the department since our first meeting last June.

Fortunately, he's not the only person in my corner. I told my mom about the fellowship and I mentioned that these things were for smart people, "so I don't know how I got one" and she told me that she always thought I was smart. She then told me that she always believed in me and that she was proud. All of her siblings [her dad, like mine, had kids in other marriages] are knocked out by the fact that I'm going for a PhD, and my grandmother almost lived to see me get one. A dear friend of the family who was only 55 passed away recently and, apparently, she was proud of me, too; I think she might have been more excited than anyone else when I got my first degree, so a lot of people are rooting for me (but nobody bothers to tell me these things until it's too late to thank them). And then there's my husband who gave me the most support as I was contemplating this insane endeavor, so I've had a lot of people for me and I don't know anyone against me (nor would I care at this point).

It's a little overwhelming to think about all this right now, but I am going to jump on accepting this fellowship before the deadline passes in April.

And, in other news, I have a headache. It's not very important nor does it fit the rest of the narrative, but it might explain why this post doesn't make 100 percent sense. I'll get off work soon, pick up my medicine and library book, and get off my feet for awhile.

And for the ladies who have been through this whole pregnancy thing before: do you have any recommendations for maternity clothing options? Other than shopping online for clothes, I'm stuck for what I can do right now. I'm right at that point where things are starting to not fit anymore, but I'm not large enough for maternity items (and I'm a plus-sized, tall woman). I think my biggest concern is for shoes; I'm already a 12w and I don't know what I can do if my feet get bigger. Any and all advise is welcome, appreciated, and sought with great interest!

14 Weeks

I had another appointment with my doctor today (Wednesday) and I decided that my husband was going to go with me this time because it would be our first time hearing the baby's heartbeat. This whole experience is still unreal to me; I feel like crap alot, and I happen to be one of the unlucky ones whose asthma gets worse throughout the pregnancy, but this is just something that I...well, I can't really describe how I feel about this. Even though I don't seem like it, I actually am really happy that I'm finally going to be a mother, but this also scares the crap out of me! I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Am I going to be a good mother? How will I handle things when he or she gets sick? I'm an emetophobe, so I'm probably going to need some help in conquering this problem or I'll be a complete mess the first time the child spits up. How will I be able to raise a child and go to school? Funny, that's the one thing I'm not too worried about. I know that I'll just go and do what needs to be done and not let anything get in the way. It also helps that I got into a department that has a number of grad students who are also parents, some who are even single parents (of whom I will be in awe), so I don't feel as if I'm not the only person who is crazy/stupid enough to do this.

One of the things that is going to help is that someone will always be home. I will work and take classes in the daytime, and my husband works nights. I'm not a person who gets a lot of sleep (allowing me to study and attend to the baby at night), although this pregnancy has changed that. I'm always tired; that should've been my first sign back in December, but I was just of the opinion that I wasn't pregnant and that I was just skipping again. I don't like being tired all the time. As it is, I need to go to bed, but I've still got to get some work in on my group's grant proposal and finish a book for class [Fat chance of that happening]. Dishes need to be done, I need to make a lunch...and my brain is shutting down.

I'll be honest; this whole thing is terrifying to me. While my husband is happily telling all and sundry about the baby, I'm developing anxiety and feeling a little alone. I am going to stop writing because I'm getting too tired to think straight.

I can't believe I heard the heartbeat today. That was something special.

2008: A Year I'll Never Forget

I've been offline since my grandmother's passing last month, and a lot has happened in the interim. As this has already turned out to be a banner year for me, I'm going to give you (read: the one or two people who might still read this) a breakdown of what's going on.

This is the year I am turning 30, meaning that I will have to change all of my blogs to stop saying that I'm in my late 20s, but it also means that I've got to hit my watershed year with style.

So far:
- My grandmother died unexpectedly on January 6th within hours of being admitted to the hospital.
- I found out that I was pregnant six days later. My grandmother really wanted to be a great-grandmother, so I had some mixed feelings about the pregnancy.
- I was informed by my professor that I was accepted into the Comparative Studies program for graduate school. I'm "auditing" the class and he told me "congratulations" as I entered the room. I said, with the dumbest look on my face, "for what?" and almost fell over in the middle of the room when I found out the good news. I'm still waiting to hear from the English department, but since I got into my first choice department, I'm very happy.
- I'm also in a mini-feud with some of the members of my family [In particular, my father, my step-mother, and two of my half-siblings] because my father stole my older brother's money over the course of two years and then moved to a new apartment which resulted in my brother being put out into the street. My "sister" allowed my brother to stay with her in her two-bedroom condo, but only for one night with her and her little brother "lecturing" him on how he should've saved his money to be able to afford his own place. My step-mother got into my father's head and convinced him that my brother was not being a real man even though he works very hard, pays child support for his son [something my father never did for me] and only brought home $300 bi-weekly, which my father would take for himself. Needless to say, my internet readers are finding out about my good news before they will.

See how my life is always interesting?

It makes me think of something that happened when I was a kid: There was a summer when I had absolutely nothing to do. My grandmother wasn't able to bring home a PC for the summer because the computers had gotten too old, so I ran around saying I was bored all summer. She promised me that I would never be bored again and made sure that I was signed up in programs and kept busy all the way through high school. I feel that the way things have turned out that her promise is still holding true.

But, to quote my 5-year-old cousin, "Heaven's had her long enough, I want her back."

I'm hoping to do more blogging as the quarter winds down. I'm writing the grant proposal for my group as we are trying to get a grant for The Dowd Center, a place for homeless children and families that does excellent work in helping students in all aspects of life, so that's going to keep me occupied until Wednesday. I'm also (most likely) writing our paper for the final project, so I've got a lot of work to do this weekend. My pregnancy keeps me under the weather; I don't get morning sickness (due to genetics and emetophobia) but I catch everything else and stay sick for a week at a time. I almost missed my Valentine's Day dinner because I couldn't eat solid foods for the better part of a week. And I have work that I need to get done, but still suffer from an inability to focus for more than 2 minutes on any one task.

It may seem like a lot, but I wanted to get some things off my chest before I log off. My baby is supposedly due August 28th, and I would start grad school a month after that.

Oh yeah, I'm still going to go to school. I'm not going to be stopped; I just have to adapt.

I hope my reader(s) fill clued in, and I hope to continue at some point.

Stay safe and warm, everyone.