Everything changes

I just got a call from my mother at 8 this morning telling me that my grandmother passed away. It was very sudden and unexpected, so I'm going up to Cleveland with my husband and I don't know when I'll be back. I have to pick up my older brother on the way, so we'll have to call him once we get close because I don't remember what highway exit he'll be on.

If you knew this woman, you would've been in awe as to the kind of strength she had. She was the person that I feared, loved, and most wanted to be like. She was a teacher, a mother of three, grandmother of three, great-grandmother of one [I never got to give her a great-grandchild, and that is going to weigh heavily on me.

This probably means that grad school is out of the question, but I'm not sure yet.

I don't know when I'll be back.

I no longer trust anyone

It is officially three days past the deadline for applying to graduate school. All of the materials I needed to turn in have been received by at least one department (the other department had nobody there through most of December, so I don't know what they have) and three of the people I asked to write letters of recommendation for me have let me know that the letters were sent. Even my GRE scores have arrived. What's missing (and can actually keep me out of grad school for another year)? One letter of recommendation for each department. I asked one of my library school professors to write two letters for me in early December. He said that he would be glad to do so, and I even delivered to him a packed of everything that needed to be filled out [forms, addressed stamped envelopes, background on what I want to study, etc.] and told him when the deadline was. He was the only person that I actually told face to face when the deadline was, and he assured me that he would get the letters done long before the deadline because he was retiring and moving back to Cincinnati.

If he was going to get this done, why is it that his is the only letter that never arrived? If anything, his letter should have been one of the first things they received [it is possible that the letter got there before my application went through and that they misplaced it; considering that they claim that they do not have my Kent transcripts when that was the first thing they received for me, that wouldn't surprise me]. I understand that retirement can make things crazy, and I probably would've thought twice on asking him if I had known he was retiring and if I could've found any other library school professor that I had had who could've done it [One professor quit before I graduated, and the other has been on sabbatical], but he was a good choice at the time.

Now it seems that my bid for graduate school may end because of one stupid letter.

One. Stupid. Fucking. Letter.

I e-mail this guy on both of his accounts. I even found his home number and left a message on his answering machine, but I can't reach him anywhere.

I can't believe my fate is going to be decided by something completely out of my control. I don't know what to do anymore.

I just know that I will never ask anyone to ever help me again. It's not worth it. If I'm going to have my life ruined, I'd at least like it to be my fault.