Riddled With Guilt

Instead of posting on hearing Marjane Satrapi speak on Friday (I really hope to post about it; she was really good & I took notes and pictures), I need to get some things out about how I'm feeling. I'm not experiencing mood swings; I feel as if I'm falling down a spiral staircase towards madness with no end in sight.

I feel horribly selfish for wanting to pursue a PhD while my family struggles to cope with my grandmother's passing. My brother had stepped up and was driving my mom and uncle to church and the grocery store, but his car broke down and a person who said he would help looks like he has bailed. This leaves him having to take the bus to work, but it also means that my non-driving family members have to rely on others and the bus to get to their destinations. I don't worry so much for my uncle because he's really good at just getting on a bus heading in the right direction and getting to where he needs to be, but my mom is another story. Some of the things she needs to travel to would require her to catch the bus at night, and I'm not comfortable with her doing that. My aunt (the only member of this trio who can drive) has given rides to help out, but it's turning out that she's going back to a level of unreliability that unnerves and bothers me. My mom has a book club that she was attending with my grandmother and she still goes to it. My aunt has taken her to this club meeting in the past but, for whatever reason, decided to come to the house earlier today and made herself scarce for the rest of the day. Now my mom has to ask someone else to give her a ride at the last minute.

I feel like because I'm not there, that I'm letting the family down. And that feeling makes me feel like shit.

When I went up to Cleveland on Friday, I took my uncle to the grocery stores to get his shopping done and he bought a lot so that he wouldn't have to worry about going out to get anything for awhile. Ignoring the part where some lazy employee decided to accuse me of shoplifting because I kept looking at him [He looked like a dead-ringer for my brother-in-law, if he were black], I was more than glad to take him to do his errands, but I can't help but feel as if I am doing a very bad thing by staying in Columbus to pursue what will be my last degree. If it were feasible, I would be up there every weekend to help out; alas, that would put too many miles on the car and I'm not sure that I could physically handle that kind of schedule as the months progress. My brother is frustrated that a shoe-shine man he met on the job promised to help him fix his car but is now MIA; he wants to be able to help them out (and they've missed church for the past two weeks because of this) but is stuck without a working car (not to mention still not having a place to live yet).

Meanwhile, I'm getting increasingly depressed and upset for putting myself first. I tend to place my desires aside to do for others, and college was always the one thing I insisted upon for myself. Now my family is in shambles, I'm torn about not being there for them, and I still have no idea why my grandmother had to go when she did. All this, and a baby, too.

I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm just going to concentrate on keeping my blood pressure down and maybe go out walking today. I can use the exercise and I think I need to clear my head.

14 Weeks

I had another appointment with my doctor today (Wednesday) and I decided that my husband was going to go with me this time because it would be our first time hearing the baby's heartbeat. This whole experience is still unreal to me; I feel like crap alot, and I happen to be one of the unlucky ones whose asthma gets worse throughout the pregnancy, but this is just something that I...well, I can't really describe how I feel about this. Even though I don't seem like it, I actually am really happy that I'm finally going to be a mother, but this also scares the crap out of me! I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Am I going to be a good mother? How will I handle things when he or she gets sick? I'm an emetophobe, so I'm probably going to need some help in conquering this problem or I'll be a complete mess the first time the child spits up. How will I be able to raise a child and go to school? Funny, that's the one thing I'm not too worried about. I know that I'll just go and do what needs to be done and not let anything get in the way. It also helps that I got into a department that has a number of grad students who are also parents, some who are even single parents (of whom I will be in awe), so I don't feel as if I'm not the only person who is crazy/stupid enough to do this.

One of the things that is going to help is that someone will always be home. I will work and take classes in the daytime, and my husband works nights. I'm not a person who gets a lot of sleep (allowing me to study and attend to the baby at night), although this pregnancy has changed that. I'm always tired; that should've been my first sign back in December, but I was just of the opinion that I wasn't pregnant and that I was just skipping again. I don't like being tired all the time. As it is, I need to go to bed, but I've still got to get some work in on my group's grant proposal and finish a book for class [Fat chance of that happening]. Dishes need to be done, I need to make a lunch...and my brain is shutting down.

I'll be honest; this whole thing is terrifying to me. While my husband is happily telling all and sundry about the baby, I'm developing anxiety and feeling a little alone. I am going to stop writing because I'm getting too tired to think straight.

I can't believe I heard the heartbeat today. That was something special.