Unhinged

There are some articles that I wanted to post today, but I feel like I'm falling apart today. The culmination of not having anywhere near enough money to pay rent coupled with an inability to focus on work for more than five minutes and just generally feeling like crap has taken its toll. I'd go home if we didn't desperately need the money, so I'm stuck here until I get off work to go home and spend time with someone I'm pissed off with [He gave me milk that expired today when I'm so sensitive that I can't drink milk that's more than a week old. His reasoning? "It hadn't expired, yet."] and I have a friend from church who just lost her mother a few days ago that I'm going to try to call...but how do I console someone in their time of need when my typical sayings no longer mean anything to me (i.e. "Everything happens for a reason")? I'm going to call her and, hopefully, be a good listener, because I'm going to be useless in any other capacity.

Useless. That's an interesting word.

The music I'm listening to right now is not really depressing, but it's upsetting me anyway (which would make you think I'd stop listening to it, but the songs that really get to me are coming up, and I'm trying to avoid them right now). So I mess with my own head when I'm already unbalanced. Yeah, I do that sometimes.

I think I'm going to take a break in our "nap" room (we actually have one of those along with a lactation room because, let's face it, we have a lot of women who work here). I think I need some time to crash a little so that I can put myself back together without people asking me if anything's wrong. I really don't need that right now (so I'm posting instead because...?).

Besides, I really want to post about the idiots who robbed a bank with thongs on their faces. As depressed as I am today, I still find that funny (but since I don't know if I'll laugh or cry, I'm going for my break).

This is insane...

I'm going to have to send a letter to the manufacturer of my mp3 player to demand that they make it possible to save playlists with music from the mini-SD card that I have inserted in the machine; I'm in need of this so that I can make playlists where I exclude all of the music that triggers a 'negative emotional response' [read: makes me cry in public when depressed] so that I can still listen to music without replaying an emotional song repeatedly because I want to keep hearing it until I've beat myself up enough to move on.

I could, in theory, just skip those songs in my playlist, but I'm getting through the list for the first time and I refuse to skip songs. What about I just listen to it once and move on to the next song? No good: once a response has been triggered, I need to hear the song a few more times to give myself a way to 'come down' gently. Besides, some of the music I hear is just so beautiful that I don't want the experience of the sound to end. And it's fun to hear a song that has a color I can see [My husband says that I have Illio-optic disorder, but since I'm not exactly suffering from it, it's not that bad], so I'm not exactly sure what else I can do. Well, other than find out how to spell that disorder.

At least I'm listening to something at this moment that doesn't have a trigger (The Pink Panther Theme), so I'll be able to get back to work now.

...I've no good title today...

It's been encroaching my mind for a little while now, but the dark clouds that seem to forever pervade my existence have returned.

It's a beautiful, sunny day outside, but I feel as if the darkness of my soul is eating away at me.

I've been struggling with this...problem for a number of years [if I count the eight or so years it went undiagnosed, it's been 17 years], and I have bouts of self-loathing that can run the gambit from mild displeasure to an all-out war with myself. I'm not feeling particularly self-destructive, so I'll weather through this and continue with my life unabated (for now, anyway).

I never like it when my husband figures out I've slipped under the crushing waves again...and knowing my fear of water, he would really detest that analogy. He always feels a little defeated that he can't "make me happy"; he's frustrated that he can't cheer me up easily & that I'm usually am angry or unhappy when these moods come. I wish there was something I could tell him to get him to understand that he hasn't failed me just because he can't cheer up 'a woman depressed'.

So what pushed me over the edge to the point where I wanted to blog about it? Buying a full-length mirror.

Coupled with issues about childbearing (or inability to do so) discussed at length in my ebloggy blog, and a overwhelming feeling that I've completely stagnated in life with no clear hope in site (for the moment), the body image thing was just the ticket to send a weary mind to a place that is all-too familiar.

To quote Squee, a character from the Johnny the Homicidal Maniac comic series: "The sick thing is, I'm...use to it".

Hopefully, I'll feel better after some sleep, PhD inquiry research, and happier music on my Sansa mp3 player. But this is nothing to worry about.

I've been down this road before, and I always seem to come back out at the end.
Damn my candor.

Money...and stress

I had originally planned on posting in this blog a missive on the current state of my finances, but I ended up moving the whole damn thing to ebloggy. I fell asleep around 6 a.m. and I have too many things to do...and bills are piling up. It's bad enough that we owe the equivalent of 2/3 of a paycheck in taxes, but our cable/internet/phone may have been cut off because we owe Time Warner as well. I've got to stay late for a charity event meeting, stop off at the library, make dinner before I run off to the Historical society to train for 2 hours for a volunteer effort that I'm doing on Friday afternoon, and then I've got to get home and work on cleaning the house before I can even think about getting some sleep.

I don't even have time to exercise. This situation is exacerbating my depression and has led me to be concerned that I'm going to end up doing something terrible if I don't just ruin my health and run myself into the ground.